Monday, February 11, 2008

And Thine Kitten the Dust Did Bite...

Imagine it--you are the creator of all that is, all that was, and all that ever will be... From giant stars forming brilliant feats of light in the far reaches of just one universe among multitudes... Life sprang from your toe nail clippings and spread across the cosmos!

And your biggest concern? When one male primate touches another male primate's genitalia... Yes indeed, I would imagine that if I were the all-powerful deity of multi-verses, my top priority would be eradicating such a deviance from a small blue-green planet tucked to the left of the Milky Way... I would smite kittens by the dozens for allowing such an atrocity to happen!

Lacking such perspective, some of gods more literal followers deal with their self-hatred and self-loathing by bowing to peer pressure and attempting to "pray away the gay."

It seems Ted Haggard, the self-righteous bastion of self-loathing who, after admitting to inter-primate fellatio, and who, after three short weeks declared himself "completely heterosexual," has decided that the therapy isn't going so well. Indeed, it seems that as early as November of 2006 (just 15 days after being declared "completely heterosexual"), it seems that:

The former evangelical head had sought assistance to combat his struggles but found none "effective" in him.
So god killed a kitten. Five, actually, but in the grand scheme of things, an appropriate retaliation against such awful behavior, yes?

Then, in March of 2007, some of Ted's closest "advisers" released a statement saying:

"The true characterization is that Mr. Haggard had a weakness and he continues to work to strengthen himself," said the Rev. H.B. London, a member of the three-man team overseeing Haggard's spiritual recovery.

Even the most ardent proponents of therapy to change same-sex attraction say it is a lifelong struggle, demanding constant vigilance and sacrifice -- a price that they find reasonable to avoid relationships they consider sinful.

"Ted will need years of accountability to demonstrate his victory over both actions and tendencies," Stockstill said in the report, which he read aloud to the New Life congregation.
Stockstill? LOL! Talk about your ironies!... And, I'm sorry but--being "overseen by a three-man team"? Sounds like gay heaven to me! LOLOLOL!!!

Sorry, sorry--where was I? Oh yes--so now that we've regressed from "completely heterosexual" to "struggling with a weakness," god killed five kittens, two baby seals, and a gecko. After all, god is on his side, right? His greatest concern in all the cosmos in all the multiverse is that no male primate shall lay with another male primate like a female primate. If a few kittens, baby seals, and a gecko need to die to prove this point, well then, at least he didn't kill any primates yet... Or, wait... No, that's when Katrine hit, isn't it? Or was that the Indonesian tsunami? Well, whatever--everyone knew it was because Ted was gay, didn't they? If they didn't, god needs to send more specifically targeted messages... Say, something happening to Massachusetts, that bastion of immorality with the lowest divorce rate in the country...

But now here we are--11 months after admitting to struggling with his "sinful nature," and guess what? The headline reads Haggard prematurely leaves rehab, New Life Church says. But, wait--you mean the praying didn't work? The heartfelt tears, the long nights of fasting, begging for money, prayer chains thousands of people long... ? What happened? What in god's name (literally!) happened? Let's taker a gander:

New Life Church has agreed to his request to end their oversite of his recovery program.

New Life Church issued a statement Tuesday saying it believes the termination of the relationship is premature, but would not say why. Earlier in the process, church leaders had said they assumed that Haggard's recovery could take several years.

The Colorado Springs evangelical congregation that Haggard founded also said it remains convinced that he should not return to any church ministry.
You know when I ended my "ex-gay therapy"? When I was ready to embrace my true gay nature... But that was me and a few thousand kittens ago. No, when a "completely heterosexual" decides to end his ex-gay therapy, he must have more reason to do so, right?


Oh... I suppose not. Well, don't that make your brown eyes blue? Oh, I suppose it work for him either...

You hear that? God just killed another kitten...

You cretinous homosexuals--THINK OF THE KITTENS!!! Or at least think about what an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present god would think about such things! Get some goddamn perspective!
I do wonder, though, if he'll just realize that it doesn't matter if he's gay or not... After all, between nature and an imaginary god, which would you decide to ruin your life--and your families life--over?

Oops! There went another kitten...

1 comment:

DaBich said...

I think the kittens should file a discrimination lawsuit!!! What about friggin puppies too!!!????