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Near the Beginning: Rewrites...
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Near the Beginning: Knowledgy...
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Near the Beginning: Action!
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Near the Beginning: Adam Idol...
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Near the Beginning: Dickering Deities...
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You see, the fable goes something like this:
Gen 6:13-22 And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.
Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. And this [is the fashion] which thou shalt make it [of]: The length of the ark [shall be] three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; [with] lower, second, and third [stories] shalt thou make it. And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein [is] the breath of life, from under heaven; [and] every thing that [is] in the earth shall die.
But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee. And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every [sort] shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep [them] alive with thee; they shall be male and female. Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every [sort] shall come unto thee, to keep [them] alive. And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather [it] to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.
Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.
We'll just assume that the chapter 7 version of Genesis was God trying to improve genetic variation when he changed his mind and said to bring 7 of most kinds of animals, and then 2 of everything else... Cause you know YWHW, all about the gene pool!
Gen 7:2-3 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that [are] not clean by two, the male and his female. Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.
I imagine Noah went something like: "Wait, what? You just said 2 of every animal and fowl, now you want seven of some and 2 of others? What the hell, YWHW?!"
In case you haven't heard, more of us will be yelling "What the hell?" in the coming days. It seems that a bunch of Christians have decided that it is wiser to spend their money on building a full-scale, life-size biblical ark than it is to help the poor, the widows, the children... You know, your downtrodden souls in need at this time of year.
Noah may have taken 400 years to build the ark but investors of a new biblical theme park in northern Kentucky plan to replicate a full-scale model in under 36 months.
The completely wooden ark, which would measure 500 ft. across, 75 ft. wide and 45 ft. high, is slated to be unveiled in spring 2014 as one of the attractions of the proposed $150 million Ark Encounter theme park.
You get those sizes down? That's literal interpretation for you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, an area smaller than a football field supposedly carried 2 to 7 of every creature on earth for much longer than 40 days and nights! Not to mention their food supplies and tools for keeping the place sanitary--as if sanitary were even a glimmer of a thought... Of course, keeping in mind that the lions, tigers, bears, wolves and boa constrictors would eat the sheep, goats, pigs, cats... Hmm...
But, wait! The idiocy continues!:
Answers in Genesis, known for the popular Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky., is partnering with Ark Encounter to raise the $24.5 million needed to build the life-size ark. People can participate by donating $100 for a peg, $1,000 for a plank, or $5,000 for a beam to construct the ark.
As of Thursday afternoon, the non-profit organization has raised about $114,000 – just one day since it launched the campaign for Noah's Ark.
In just ONE DAY they raised $114,000. (And that's not in Roman denarius...) Of course, I'm left wondering why a peg costs $100 when you can buy a dozen of them at Home Depot for only $2.99... But then again, perhaps they haven't been blessed or baptized or whatever the hell it is they do with wooden pegs these days... Of course, thinking that an ark less than half the size of a football field could hold the millions of animal species, from microscopic to Indricotherium, I can see why they'd have trouble with math...
And did we forget about the plants? Almost no vegetation would survive, let alone be actively growing, after 40 days and nights (and please note, 40 days and nights is how long it supposedly rained for--it doesn't say how long it took these waters to recede...)--even if Noah did somehow manage to keep the T-Rex from devouring those seven measly sheep, what the hell were the surviving sheep going to eat? Dead earth?
I hope they build it--I really do! Nothing better could convince anyone with at least one working brain synapse of the idiocy of believing in literal bible inerrancy than seeing this tiny boat filled with--at the very minimum--two to seven of every member of the "Family" of animals located within. (Note that I'm being generous here and allowing them to move up 2 whole scientific categories instead of trying to fit in every "Genus" or "Species" of animal... They still wouldn't all fit, FYI...) There are more issues with this "literal global flood" than there are with almost anything else located within the bibles' pages...
Of course, I realize with a belief in an omnipotent god, you can have seven hundred miracles happen to explain away this one miracle--or, "blind faith," I do believe any self-respecting fundamentalist would call it... There's a reason you guys believe in a literal ark and flood, because you lack critical reasoning skills, and nothing I say could convince you otherwise...
That being said, however, when you pack up the family and head to the life-size ark (and I do hope you realize, "ark" means BOX) in Kentucky, and you sit there and realize you could simply spit across the entire width of the ark... Remember, it's your dumb-ass belief...
For logical, well-thought out arguments which pretty much prove the story is bunk, here are a couple of websites to get your started:
Near the Beginning: The Other Trinity...
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Near the Beginning: In Stock
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Near the Beginning: The Answer
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Near the Beginning: Biology 101
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Near the Beginning: Happy Thoughts
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Near the Beginning: No Fury Like a Woman
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Near the Beginning: Day-Old Discount...
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Near the Beginning: Snacky Snake!
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Near the Beginning: Who's Yer Daddy...
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Let's say you are in a convenience store. Someone comes in waving a gun and is going to rob the place. He's aiming the gun at the head of a teenager who just happened to pick up this shift after school. She can't open the register, so the gunman decides he's going to kill someone cause he's pissed. He cocks the gun, and aims it at the person standing right next to you. Do you:- push the person out the way to safety?
- yell "No!" and get yourself shot by accident?
- look on in horror as the person gets shot?
- turn to that person and say, "Hey, I'll save you from that bullet, but only if you acknowledge me as your lord and savior"?
Three of those are perfectly normal responses and/or scenarios...
The fourth option is something only the Christian god does.
So they say he came and died for all your sins. All of them. Except--disclaimer!!--you're still going to hell because you didn't say, "Hey, thanks, dude!"
What?!?! God needs to hear you say, "Thanks, I believe," before he rescues you from hell? Ask any conservative--hell, most Christians for that matter--and they'll say, "Yes, unless you confess and believe that Christ died for your sins, you will go to hell." Period. End of story. You may be thinking, How is this a loving god? <--a perfectly rational thought, I assure you...
If I could shove that person out of the way to save them from the bullet, I wouldn't care of they were grateful or not. Sure, I'd be peeved if they didn't seem grateful at the moment, but I wouldn't then regret saving them from death. I mean, come on, she was going to get shot, for god's sake. Now don't get me started on a god that even allows us to invent guns or have the ability to kill another. He screwed us up, that's his issue. But to say that we're getting eternal punishment for- an inherited "sin" nature that we had no control over? and
- god's ego?
I don't think so. I posed this to another person once, a conservative Christian. I said, "I wouldn't not save a person just because they weren't going to admit I saved them." And he replied, "But they're still going to die eventually. With God as your savior, you get eternal life." To which I replied, "Um, hello? You are going to die. You are going to croak, like everyone else, and be viewed in a casket, and then have six feet of dirt piled on you just like everyone else. YOU STILL DIE." And he said, "But I will go to heaven. You won't. The old lady won't. Your brother won't." Maybe it's a mind set... Maybe reading the bible is like doing crystal meth... Who knows? And yes, I was answered with just a hint of smugness and an apparent missing of the point that he was still going to die... and thought he was then going to have eternal life...
I'm sorry, my idea of a loving god, if one were to exist, wouldn't need his ego stroked to save his own creation from hell. Or any other kind of bad thing, for that matter. Would any of you parents not help your child if they didn't "give you props"? Acknowledge your helping hand? I think any good parent, regardless of their child's amount of gratefulness, would still want to lay down their life for their kid. I know I would die in a heartbeat if I knew it would save any of my siblings, their kids, my friends, my parent's, even my stupid grandmother. I wouldn't first turn to them and say, "Hey, I'll die for you, but first you must promise to build a temple in my name, and subvert indigenous people to worship my memory. You have to live every day living and doing things that I would have done. But only then will I die for you. Oh, and I must cross your mind every day, once a week minimum!"
No, I'd step in front of the bus / gun / avalanche / car/ rifle / virus / what-have-you. No questions, no restrictions, no "sign on the dotted line."
If your god needs that ego stroke so badly, he doesn't need it from me. I'd rather curse him from hell.
Near the Beginning: Family Ball...
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Near the Beginning: The Flaw...
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Near the Beginning: The Right Way?
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Near the Beginning: Freedom!
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Near the Beginning: Rewrites...
Near the Beginning: Knowledgy...
Near the Beginning: Action!
Near the Beginning: Adam Idol...
Near the Beginning: Dickering Deities...
You see, the fable goes something like this:
And did we forget about the plants? Almost no vegetation would survive, let alone be actively growing, after 40 days and nights (and please note, 40 days and nights is how long it supposedly rained for--it doesn't say how long it took these waters to recede...)--even if Noah did somehow manage to keep the T-Rex from devouring those seven measly sheep, what the hell were the surviving sheep going to eat? Dead earth? 
Near the Beginning: The Other Trinity...
Near the Beginning: In Stock
Near the Beginning: The Answer
Near the Beginning: Biology 101
Near the Beginning: Happy Thoughts
Near the Beginning: No Fury Like a Woman
Near the Beginning: Snacky Snake!
Near the Beginning: Who's Yer Daddy...
Near the Beginning: Family Ball...
Near the Beginning: The Flaw...
Near the Beginning: The Right Way?
Near the Beginning: Freedom!
