Zombies and Wind and Jesus, Oh! My!

It still boggles my mind to this day that there is a persistent belief in a god(s), especially in a society where education should be a priority. (Should be because not enough people value asking “why?”, and politicians always seem to think budget cuts start in our schools…)

You see, a recent game of “Which would you rather” in the morning somehow got turned into a “Have you seen this crap!” and thus, a coworker recently pointed me to another coworker’s blog, where the heavy-handed “I’m more moral than the world” coupled with the “I’m so humble in Jesus” monologues made me want to gag, vomit, commit suicide, and drop nuke’s on every major religious center in the world—

Scratch that—it made me want to drop nukes on even the minor religious centers.

I do try my best to withhold judgment when people make off-handed comments in my general direction, like “Jesus helped me do this,” or “I know God’s watching over me because of blah blah blah”; seriously, I say nothing most times, just smile and nod like I’m one of the sheep who checked his brain at the door to life and thinks angels are dancing all around me with swords flying to keep Satan and his minions at bay from causing me to commit one type of sin or another…

Sigh…

I try to be a live-and-let-live dude, what with the mass of brain-dead zombies that inhabit even the most liberal locations of where I live. Add to the fact that most of my family, and my partner, have religious and spiritual inclinations, I’m pretty well versed in the mumbo-jumbo, the beliefs, the practices, the voodoo. So, in the name of tolerance, I will sometimes make an observation, delicately-put depending on the audience, or sometimes outright laugh, also depending on the audience…

But overall, I’m highly disappointed in you, human race…

One of the more common arguments I hear from the windbag types is, “Well, you can’t see the wind—how do you know it’s there? All you can see is the effects! So Ha!” (As if such a mind-numbingly silly argument came from the lips of God hisself into their ears… Which is funny, because I’m feeling the effects of all the hot air they’re spewing when making this claim, but there it is…) If you can’t figure out why this is such a weak, silly, and all-around stupid argument, I’ll not bother to educate you. Suffice it to say, if you’ve ever considered this argument to be a firm tenant in your belief system, you have bigger problems than just believing in sky daddies and angel fairies… Suffice it to say that it hints to the notion (okay, okay, outright screams to the notion) that you somehow think wind is magical and supernatural… And I can only hope you realize how silly a position that is…

I can only hope you also realize that, when the apocalypse does come and the zombies do take over, you’ll only have to look at the closest standing religious center to find out where the infection started. (There’s a reason they hafta eat brains—their god(s) took theirs away…)

Fact of the matter is, anytime you are going to believe in something that cannot be seen, measured, tested, or even just plain logical, you may as well just do us all a favor and remove yourself from both the mating pool and the voting masses…

Knowing you exist out there really makes me think the Constitution should be amended to read “We the intelligent people…,” with a special clause regulating the rest of you to speed bump duty… Which, of course, will be unnecessary once my hover-stang is perfected. And when such a time arrives, you’ll be reassigned to coat-rack duty, assuming that global warming has been corrected by that time (and it will be, because the idiots will have been spayed and neutered and busy being coat racks…), and that sometime, somewhere, we the intelligent people will sometimes need to wear a coat due to the chilly “magical” wind…

Something Stormy This Way Spins...

How Ballerenic, yes?

Ballerenic... Yes, I suppose it's not a word. Although it does seem as if the clouds themselves pirrouette upon the sky, positioning thus to form the eye as the clouds and waters spin into a great wall of wind and rain, lightning dancing, thunder keeping time, trees bowing at the great performance of nature as it edges closer to the land which will ultimately end it's performance!

As Isaac approaches the state of Florida, I'm excited in the same way I used to get excited for snowstorms--perhaps more so as it doesn't involve cold temperatures or snow. Wind, rain, probably some hail, a multitude of lightning and thunder, but snow shovels need not apply!

This shit's already melted when it falls! Oh happy day!

Of course, I'm on a learning curve here, and I'm tickled pink that I'll be getting my feet wet on a category 1 huricaine. (Pun, indeed, intended...) I've been told by the natives running around the it's not even worth getting excited about, let alone worried, for anything less than a category 3 storm, but I'm a newbie, and I plan on taking some pictures of the beach beofre hunkering down in my concrete bunker of an apartment as the waves crash upon the beach with the wrath and anger only swirling winds and evil-eyed storms can do!

Still, I did what I used to do when I heard a big ol' snow storm was a'comin'! Ran to the store for bread, bottled water, canned vegetables, a few bottles of wine, and--of course--ring bologna, cheese, and Ritz crackers... Nothing says comfortable-storm food like ring bologna, cheese, and crackers! With some white wine in the appropriate wine glass, that is.

Of course, the natives also tell me that I'm probably going a bit overboard. But I'm a firm believer in "better safe than sorry" while also being a firm believer in "enjoy everything," "find the bright side," and, last but not least, "fuck weather!"

Knowing my luck, this storm will simply vanish, or at the very least, go severely off-course by all the hot air being blown around by the sudden influx of windbag Republicans that are strolling into the state for their convention--but it seems to me, that if they truly were "God's party," what with their "pro-family," "pro-life," "pro-God," "pro-country" propaganda shit talk, God wouldn't've sent a tropical storm toward the very place they were having their convention, now would he?

Unless, of course, we consider that maybe--just maybe--God might like the Democras better? Jesus was, after all, a socialist...

Chew on that while watching the clouds roll in, boys... I have some ring bologna to slice up...

Ooh-la-la! We Are a Damn Sexy Species...

First off, I'm loving the show Enterprise--you know, the Star Trek show with the dude from Quantum Leap (Scott Bakula!) playing the captain? And the oh-so-hot-my-shorts-are-damp Connor Trinneer as the chief engineer? Ooh-la-la!

But whoever picked that goddamn awful "theme" music, "Faith of the Heart" by Rod Stewart? You should be shot, quartered, tarred, feathered, hung, asphyxiated in deep space, and then fed to the infamous Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal--and that's just for starters. I mean, who the hell picks that type of awful easy listening for a science fiction show? It's disgusting.

But that's not what this post is about. Well, not really anyway...

After watching a few episodes, I realized the show was set in the year 2151. Only a mere 140 years from now. Which, if science fiction is to be an accurate precursor to real life, means we should meet a Vulcan in about forty years, give or take.

Then we have to wonder how accurate a precursor to real life science fiction actually is. After all, I'm doubting there are actual Vulcans. (Sorry Spock...)

Please realize, however, that if it wasn't for great imaginations and science fiction, we wouldn't have half the wonders we have today--like satellite radio, cell phones, elevators, Tang... (Honestly? Okay, we could have forgotten the Tang...) But you get my drift.

Oh, yum!

Where was I? Oh, yeah...

Um...

(Could someone stop posting images of Connor Trinneer on my computer? It's highly distracting when I'm trying to type here... Thanks...)

So I'm on my back deck, taking in the lightning bugs, the gentle breeze, staring at the Big Dipper going, what if...?

You ever do that? Just stare up at space, taking in the Milky Way in all her brilliant glory? Not because there's supposed to be a meteor shower, not because you can't get your goddamn cell phone to get a signal, and not because you thought you heard a helicopter...

But just... Because...

Somewhere out there....

Shit. Now that fucking "Somewhere Out There" song that freaky little mouse Feivel sang is stuck in my head... Of course, that might have been a better theme song choice for Enterprise then that douche-bag Rod Stewart... But I digress... For now...

Somewhere out there, another form of intelligent life may be looking at a constellation that they've named, and our sun might be one of the stars fueling their imaginations. There they sit there on their patios, drinking their version of Tang (and thinking their parents are cheap as well for trying to pass it off as orange juice), staring up at a formation of stars from their end of their solar system, having just watched a sci-fi show with a totally hot male version of their species, and hoping. Waiting. Watching.

For us. Or another intelligent being. Another creature or species with the curiosity and drive to reach up to those stars and look. To see what's out there, to experience the vastness of our galaxy, and even maybe one day our universe!

In early 2004, a new type of rocket fuel was being invented that was speculated could make a trip to Mars from 1.5 to 3 years (with conventional Apollo-type technology) down to 6 months to a year. (See here.) Now, after 6 more years of developing this technology, scientists think we could get to Mars in just 39 days! (See here.)

Thirty-nine days. To Mars.

Of course, we should already be on Mars. But NASA lost sight of it's mission, granted. Instead of constantly developing new and better technology for getting men into space, they stuck with the space shuttle program for waaaaaaay too long. Now, irony of ironies, we're going to be piggy-backing with the Russians to get to and from the space station, as if we lost the space race in the late 1960s...

It's shameful and humbling.

But it's also the chance we may need.

Now that we have to work with other countries, now that we have to cooperate for shallow-space missions, what could the brilliant scientists of many countries come up with? What's just around the corner?

Just how soon might we have planetary colonists on the red planet?

True, I'm probably gonna be six feet under by then. Worm food, if you will.

So until then, I'll just have to dream...

Of course, 39 days alone on a plasma-fueled rocket with Connor Trinneer couldn't hurt anything, could it? And honestly, it would only improve morale overall, especially when we discover that new intelligent life, and they find out how hot and sexy of a species we actually are, right?

Right...

Ooh-la-la!

They Promised Us Hover Cars...No, Seriously! They Did!

It's me. Jason. It's approximately the year 2011 (I say approximately because we've realized we can't trust our government about anything--least of all those hover cars that were promised, let alone the year...). I was gonna take the easy route and write to future me--after all, if I'm this awesome now, how totally, insanely, fan-freakin-tastically awesome will future me be?

Yeah, I drew the same conclusion: Unstoppably Rockin.

So instead, I decided to write to those of you who have perfected faster-than-light travel; who think skipping off to the rings of Saturn for a weekend jaunt is old hat; where a beach-vaca in the Andromeda galaxy is "too local" for you mere Earthlings. Yeah, you know who you are. (You've also perfected time-travel, obviously, and are laughing your asses off as you read this thinking we haven't caught on to you--well, we have, we'd just hate to blow your cover... Duh!)

You see, I have no idea when all that nifty stuff--like space travel for the lay person, or trans-warptation from your bed to your job, or when you can genetically alter your mutt just enough to learn to mow the lawn--is going to happen. After all, I'm back here in the supposed year 2011. Will ancient blogs like mine still be available to read in the year 3030? Will these typed, digitized words be archived somewhere on an administrative planet to be shielded from those pesky, data-wiping gamma bursts when stars thoughtlessly die without regard for how much consumer debt they wipe out? Will Pauly Shore be just as dorky? Will an Alf-like creature have been discovered that actually use felines in their General Tsao's?

You see, it sucks being back here--not as much as it sucked for cavemen, granted (or worse yet, BETAMAX VCRs)--but it sucks nonetheless. We have no idea what you future dudes and dudettes are up to! (Yes, an homage to the supposed decade known as "1980s"...) Have you kept that human drive of curiosity burning? Have you actually reached the limits of your species' imagination? What wonderous toys and gizmo's and what-not you must take for granted, like your super-deluxe Ninja-Cacti-Gremlins that slice and dice while waxing your Kia Centauri Cruiser! Or your green Flibbidijibbits that serve exactly what you were hungry for before you even knew what you were hungry for! (Hmm... Pizza... With Asteroid cubes and Jupiter Crust!!)

Perhaps you'll be sunning on the event horizon of a black hole three galaxies to the left (because of course you have by now mastered which end of space is UP, so obviously there is, indeed, a left...), wishing for a simpler time when all the hooligans left black holes well enough alone...

But enough about that--after all, we have it pretty good too. I bet you aren't even going to realize what it was like to gaze at the stars and wonder... To imagine what it would be like to stand on a planet with orange skies and magenta clouds... To contemplate if the jump into hyper-light would give you butterflies much like today's roller coasters...

Granted, in a few decades time, I'll be finally getting that hover car I was promised, upping my awesomeness to whole new levels of unmentionable and unforseen zeniths that humanity never knew it could reach until I came along...

But until then, I will slightly envy you, future humans...

Because to you, hover cars will be so old, they won't even be considered classics...

There's Noah Counting for Taste...

You see, the fable goes something like this:

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Gen 6:13-22 And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.
Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. And this [is the fashion] which thou shalt make it [of]: The length of the ark [shall be] three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; [with] lower, second, and third [stories] shalt thou make it. And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein [is] the breath of life, from under heaven; [and] every thing that [is] in the earth shall die.
But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee. And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every [sort] shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep [them] alive with thee; they shall be male and female. Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every [sort] shall come unto thee, to keep [them] alive. And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather [it] to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.
Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

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We'll just assume that the chapter 7 version of Genesis was God trying to improve genetic variation when he changed his mind and said to bring 7 of most kinds of animals, and then 2 of everything else... Cause you know YWHW, all about the gene pool!

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Gen 7:2-3 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that [are] not clean by two, the male and his female. Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

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I imagine Noah went something like: "Wait, what? You just said 2 of every animal and fowl, now you want seven of some and 2 of others? What the hell, YWHW?!"

In case you haven't heard, more of us will be yelling "What the hell?" in the coming days. It seems that a bunch of Christians have decided that it is wiser to spend their money on building a full-scale, life-size biblical ark than it is to help the poor, the widows, the children... You know, your downtrodden souls in need at this time of year.

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Noah may have taken 400 years to build the ark but investors of a new biblical theme park in northern Kentucky plan to replicate a full-scale model in under 36 months.

The completely wooden ark, which would measure 500 ft. across, 75 ft. wide and 45 ft. high, is slated to be unveiled in spring 2014 as one of the attractions of the proposed $150 million Ark Encounter theme park.

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You get those sizes down? That's literal interpretation for you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, an area smaller than a football field supposedly carried 2 to 7 of every creature on earth for much longer than 40 days and nights! Not to mention their food supplies and tools for keeping the place sanitary--as if sanitary were even a glimmer of a thought... Of course, keeping in mind that the lions, tigers, bears, wolves and boa constrictors would eat the sheep, goats, pigs, cats... Hmm...

But, wait! The idiocy continues!:

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Answers in Genesis, known for the popular Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky., is partnering with Ark Encounter to raise the $24.5 million needed to build the life-size ark. People can participate by donating $100 for a peg, $1,000 for a plank, or $5,000 for a beam to construct the ark.

As of Thursday afternoon, the non-profit organization has raised about $114,000 – just one day since it launched the campaign for Noah's Ark.

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In just ONE DAY they raised $114,000. (And that's not in Roman denarius...) Of course, I'm left wondering why a peg costs $100 when you can buy a dozen of them at Home Depot for only $2.99... But then again, perhaps they haven't been blessed or baptized or whatever the hell it is they do with wooden pegs these days... Of course, thinking that an ark less than half the size of a football field could hold the millions of animal species, from microscopic to Indricotherium, I can see why they'd have trouble with math...

And did we forget about the plants? Almost no vegetation would survive, let alone be actively growing, after 40 days and nights (and please note, 40 days and nights is how long it supposedly rained for--it doesn't say how long it took these waters to recede...)--even if Noah did somehow manage to keep the T-Rex from devouring those seven measly sheep, what the hell were the surviving sheep going to eat? Dead earth?

I hope they build it--I really do! Nothing better could convince anyone with at least one working brain synapse of the idiocy of believing in literal bible inerrancy than seeing this tiny boat filled with--at the very minimum--two to seven of every member of the "Family" of animals located within. (Note that I'm being generous here and allowing them to move up 2 whole scientific categories instead of trying to fit in every "Genus" or "Species" of animal... They still wouldn't all fit, FYI...) There are more issues with this "literal global flood" than there are with almost anything else located within the bibles' pages...

Of course, I realize with a belief in an omnipotent god, you can have seven hundred miracles happen to explain away this one miracle--or, "blind faith," I do believe any self-respecting fundamentalist would call it... There's a reason you guys believe in a literal ark and flood, because you lack critical reasoning skills, and nothing I say could convince you otherwise...

That being said, however, when you pack up the family and head to the life-size ark (and I do hope you realize, "ark" means BOX) in Kentucky, and you sit there and realize you could simply spit across the entire width of the ark... Remember, it's your dumb-ass belief...

For logical, well-thought out arguments which pretty much prove the story is bunk, here are a couple of websites to get your started:

• Problems with the Global Flood by TalkOrigins
• Noah's Ark by the Skeptics Dictionary

A Certain Christian's Main Problems with Understanding Evolution... Part 1

No, this cartoon isn't the argument, I just found it amusing and quite apt.

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I was reminded a few weeks ago that I had made a promise to refute, in its entirety, the erroneous and terrible misunderstandings (I'll refrain from using "lies" at this point) in a certain post some time ago, but never actually got around to doing so... And seeing as I now have the time (due to some fortunate/unfortunate circumstances), I present you with that argument point-by-point: Why Steve's "Evolution’s Big Problems, Part 1" are not big problems at all, and why some of those aforementioned "Big Problems" are actually just uneducated misses on his part.

We'll begin with Steve's first "big problem" and just go down the list, shall we?

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1. In the history of scientific research, living organisms have never formed from non-living matter. Evolutionists hold the unscientific belief that this is possible as the first phase of evolution, but they cannot explain, replicate, or prove it can happen.

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Au contraire. I actually blogged about this very topic back in February of 2008 when a fascinating article ran on Discover's web site--about how the building blocks of life arose from non-living chemicals... No, a large chimp didn't appear in the ice. No, it did not dwell on it's existence, question it's place in the world, or seek absolution from its inherent sin nature. It was RNA and DNA created in ice from ammonia and cyanide. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, it was considerably more than the seven days, lacked a certain flair for the dramatic perhaps. After all, it's ice cubes forming the basic building blocks of life! How droll!

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2. Nothing has ever given birth to something more genetically complex than itself. This is just assumed by evolutionists to be possible. Never before has information been added to the genome of a species.

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Again, something I've blogged about! Here, mainly, but also here. (This may end up being easier than I thought!) Actually, lots of plants and creatures have reproduced offspring more complex then itself, and we've many times seen "information" (think RNA/DNA) added to a genome! For example, a new species of plant arose via polyploidy (when the chromosome count multiplies by two or more) (de Wet 1971). Primula kewensis (a new type of primrose) was created when Primula verticillata and Primula florbunda (each with 18 chromosomes) interpollinated. The new flower, Primula kewensis has 36 chromosomes and cannot breed with either of its parent species, but can promote itself with itself, thus fitting the definition of a new species, having also the added benefit of additional chromosomes (i.e., having had information added to it's genome...) Two birds, one stone. Sweet... And then you can read this post about a bacteria that not only fuses its DNA to its host (thus "adding to the genome"), but this once-independent-minded little creature actually has its DNA passed on with its hosts, and can be recreated even after antibiotics are used to kill it.

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3. No single-celled organism has ever morphed into a multi-cell organism. Evolutionists firmly believe this can happen as the second phase of evolution, despite the fact that it has never been observed in the history of scientific research.

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Ever heard of algae? Most algae exists as individual free-floating cells (phytoplankton) and occasionally, sometimes even within the same species of normally free-floating cells, these cells cluster together. There is probably some evolutionary advantage to doing so--facilitate exchange of genetic material between the cells, for example. In some species, these cells start to show some level of "specialization." Specialization allows to make the cells more efficient at their task but tend to make the cells more dependent on the other cells... So, should such a clusters of specialized cells (that often multiplied from a single cell and hence contains the same genetic information) be considered a single organism (such as the Portuguese Man-O-war?) or simply a collection of single-celled organisms (such as a clump of algae?) Well, the limit is a bit blurry and subjective; evolution by definition is progressive but, in many "true" multi-cellular organisms, specialization is the normal state of being for a cell, and it's not expected for a cell to revert to a general state. As such, many cells lose their ability to revert to general cells and to re-specialize into something different. Cells which still have this ability, by the way, are called "stem-cells"--and you've heard of them, I'm sure :)

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4. No creature has ever given birth to something that was a different kind of organism than itself. This is again just believed by evolutionists to be possible, although it has never happened in recorded history. Evolutionists believe that over time, lizards change into birds and fish turn into mammals. Yet, of all the billions of lizards on Earth, not a single one is in turning into a bird. Of all the billions of fish on Earth, not a single one is in the process of becoming a mammal.

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Oh. My. God. To have so much so wrong in so little a paragraph... Well, for starters, just head back up there to #2. As stated, lots of creatures and plants give birth to something completely different then itself. Happens more often than most would believe, actually. That being said, and as I also expect this to be a *very* long post, I'll try to sum up simply and concisely why not all lizards have "become" birds, and why not all fish have "become" mammals--try and stay with me on this: Despite the fact that evolution happens most times in small, local steps as necessity, chance, and environment dictate--say, that fish with the stronger fins able to flop to the next puddle and survive until the rainy season as opposed to the others whose fins weren't as strong and couldn't make the land crossing... This process ensures that only those stronger-finned fish will pass on their genes (DNA), as well as the learning process of moving over land to reach a more suitable area. The same type of fish on the other side of the forest had no such need to "walk" to another body of water, and thus will change and adapt only as much as it needs to--and thus, separated by maybe only a few hundred yards, you may have the beginnings of speciation occurring and, given a bit more time, other environmental factors, and other causes such as disease and predation, you may end up after only a few hundred years with two completely different looking fish that had the same genetic base--and further, may now not be able to interbreed with one another, thus ensuring that both branches of this tree will survive and continue to grow more branches. Of course, branches that haven't had enough time can still intermingle--maybe due to lack of similar mates, or some sort of quake that separated one from the rest--and some of those changes may then re-enter the original gene pool, but certainly not enough to ensure that all the guppies (or what-have-you) will have super-strong fins, and perhaps may even be bred out of this population as the need isn't present! Now, take that one step further (for, as anyone with a multi-cellular brain can tell you, macroevolution is the exact same thing as microevolution), and perhaps you can glimmer why we still have lizards *and* birds, fish *and* mammals...

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5. Never in the history of science has any mutation benefitted an animal’s species long term, or made it more genetically complex. Evolution would require billions of these mutations to be happening constantly both today and throughout history, and yet none have ever been observed. All mutations ever witnessed in reptiles, birds, or mammals are either a loss or a scrambling of existing genetic information, and are either neutral or negative to the mutated animal.

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Oh my. I see we're beginning to get redundant. Well, again, read #2. Let me know when it starts sinking in. Okay? Got it? Positive mutations documented and noted? Great. Hopefully number 5 isn't the same argument reworded and repeated.

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6. Transitional species required for the theory of evolution to be true are called “missing links,” instead of “links,” because they do not exist.

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Uh, no. But thanks for trying. Trouble is, every time someone discovers a "missing link," it creates two new gaps "which prove that an unseen hand was at work" (as if...) The Earth is billions of years old. To create fossils, a very unique set of requirements is needed. Thus, to say "every single gap must be filled before I will believe in evolution" not only means you probably failed at "connect the dots" in elementary school, but over billions of years, lots of fossils are made and lost through erosion and cataclysmic events--but, since you think the Earth is some type of closed system that swallows all bones and preserves them like a giant freezer, you still wouldn't believe if I had a Polaroid of each and every second of every step from the first microscopic strand of RNA until your mother spewed you our of her uterus, so... Good look with that...

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7. It is impossible for a cold blooded animal to give birth to a warm blooded animal; and yet this is believed by evolutionists in the fish to mammal and lizard to bird theories.

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Because there's no such thing as a warm-blooded lizard or fish? See here concerning warm-blooded sharks and tuna, or here, or even here.

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8. Plants have been around since the beginning of life, and despite all the supposed evolution that should’ve taken place, they have not evolved intelligence.

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And thank you for proving you know nothing about evolution. Where, in any and all of the scientific data on evolution, does it state that some form of intelligence is necessary? That intelligence should be a by-product? That intelligence is a goal, or the goal of evolution? Because the one has absolutely nothing to do with the other.

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9. There are no instances of plants morphing into animals.

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And now I'm beginning to think you're trying to be an a**hole. Since when has evolution ever claimed that plants turned into animals? Or vice versa? I thought this was supposed to be the "Big Problems with Evolution," not the "Stupid Arguments I Thought Up on the Crapper."

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10. Eyes are far more complex than anything man can create, and yet they’ve been around since the first animals of an evolutionist timescale. In addition, fossils indicate that they’ve always been just as complex as they are today, which means that evolutionists face a fundamental problem. For instance, trilobites had extremely complex eyes, and were supposedly alive long before people according to evolutionist assumptions. Their eyes had two lens layers that allowed everything to be in focus without the need for refocusing, and yet had no spherical aberrations (distortion) because of the precise alignment of the lenses. Chuck Darwin, the founder of the religion of evolution, didn’t even believe eyes could have evolved:

“To suppose that the eye… could have been formed by natural selection, seems, I freely confess, absurd in the highest degree.” -Charles Darwin, in ‘The Origin of Species,’ 1859, p. 217

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Again, something I've blogged about before here. You've also COMPLETELY and MISLEADINGLY and DECEPTIVELY misquoted Darwin. Why a Christian would need to mislead (dare I say "lie" at this point?) is, indeed, a grave mark against taking anything else you say seriously, but I'll digress if only to continue showing how foolishly ignorant you are of even the most basic evolutionary principles. Darwin goes on to say: "Yet reason tells me, that if numerous gradations from a perfect and complex eye to one very imperfect and simple, each grade being useful to its possessor, can be shown to exist; if further, the eye does vary ever so slightly, and the variations be inherited, which is certainly the case; and if any variation or modification in the organ be ever useful to an animal under changing conditions of life, then the difficulty of believing that a perfect and complex eye could be formed by natural selection, though insuperable by our imagination, can hardly be considered real. How a nerve comes to be sensitive to light, hardly concerns us more than how life itself first originated; but I may remark that several facts make me suspect that any sensitive nerve may be rendered sensitive to light, and likewise to those coarser vibrations of the air which produce sound." (This is where my mom usually says, "What? What is that in layman's terms! Speak English!") Darwin acknowledges first the complexity of the eye in its various, interworking parts and states up front that, if one were to simply say the "eyeball evolved" exactly as it presently is into being, thinking so would be absurd! (As is thinking the sky god made it as it is!) Nothing simply pops up into existence so complex! But he goes onto explain that, through small, numerous changes over periods of time involving genetic variance and natural selection, such a complex thing comes into being as it continues to need improvement for the survival of the fittest, as well as for the species itself! But, of course, being as you fundies don't like using reasoning or logic, you simply say, "Wow! It must have been a god!" and totally ignore (conveniently) Darwin's simple, clear explanation of how it came to be. You can read the rest of that old blog post if you care to actually learn anything. For now, we'll move onto your next "big problem":

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10. Virtually every species of animal has two genders required for reproduction. How this system could have randomly changed from cell division, when it started, and how it manages to be so consistent is inexplicable by evolutionists. I wonder how any species survived before it gained the instinct and ability to reproduce.

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Would it be remiss to note that you have two #10's? Is that a "big problem" as well? Anyway, onto sexual reproduction!! First off, there are more than two genders--but I expected that kind of ignorance from you. Second, sexual reproduction is cell division. Third: not all creatures need the opposite sex present to reproduce, like this blog post about the a shark in an aquarium. Fourth, add to that the fact that no creature that produces sexually ever produces it's "own kind." It may be seen as a matter of semantics, but every creature born through sexual reproduction is an "average" of the two creatures that mated. If there's anything else you still don't understand about why cell division is sex, you need to head back to the ninth grade...

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11. Nature is full of “irreducible complexities,” or things that could not function if a single part is removed. Since evolution is a gradual and slow process, things like the human knee joint could not have evolved, because they would not function until they were fully formed. If one part/aspect were missing, they would serve no purpose. This is inexplicable by evolutionists.

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This one has also been beaten to death, especially since the Dover trial in PA in 2005. The fact that you still have it listed as a "Big Problem" proves to me that you aren't interested in educating yourself so much as hoping no one will take the time to call you out on your "big problems."

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12. No creature has ever evolved or “adapted” a new body-part to suit it’s environment, despite evolutionist belief, and they do not have the capability to do so. Among the ridiculous claims of evolutionists, one would be the land mammal that evolved into a whale. I’d like to see the transition where the nostrils supposedly change into the blowhole and move to the top of the head, and learn how the hind legs could magically morph into a tail flipper, all while continuing to function for millions of years.

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Have you heard of seals? Manitees? Walrus's? Lungfish? Well, if you care to learn about whale nasal drift or tail formation, see here or you can order a very educational DVD from PBS here. Happy learning!

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13. Spiders have been found perfectly preserved in amber that supposedly date back “hundreds of millions of years,” according to evolutionist faith-based dating systems. These spiders spin webs, and are no different from today’s modern spiders. If evolution were true, spiders should have changed significantly over millions and millions of years. To the contrary, spiders remain the same spiders throughout the fossil record. How would the first spider gain the ability to spin a web? By accident?

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Go back and read the answer to #4. It's a doozy! (And accurate!) If you can't make the leap after that, you're more hopeless than I thought...

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14. DNA has to already be present in order to create protein, and protein has to be present in order to create DNA. Both are required as building blocks of a living organism. Which formed first, randomly, from the primordial soup that may or may not have existed, and how is that possible?”

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And now you can go back and read the answer to #1! Wow, we've come full circle! Do you see, Steve? Your big problems have been taken care of, in some cases years ago! Not that I expect this will change anything, but at least you no longer have these pathetic excuses to fall back on.

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish...S/He Fish?

This is a story of a fish. Not a particularly beautiful fish, not too red, not too blue, not too large, not too small... It's not the one that supposedly swallowed Jonah (that fish was much too large), nor was it the fishes Jesus supposedly fed 5,000 people with (those fish were much too small), and neither is it the type of fish a researcher would dream up with the sole intent and purpose of driving a literal creationist mad...

That's purely icing... (and juuuuuuuust riiiiight...)

I remember a time in the not-too-distant past--no, no, not about the Jesus Shark--when my father took umbrage that not all creatures were reproducing after their own kind! What with the wholphins, the ligers, and the Primula kewensis (that would be a new type of primrose for you non-Latin-speaking gardeners out there...)

But then there's this fish, the oddly named California Sheephead (and it may just be me, but when I look at it, the name "Dolly" doesn't exactly spring to mind...) The remarkable thing about the California Sheephead, however, isn't so much its size, or its color, or its ability to eat mollusks... It's the willful ignorance and sheer exuberance of this fish to defy set-forth biblical law! Hello, "male and female he created them"? Does the California Sheephead not have a bible!?

You see, California Sheephead are all born female. Each and every one. All female (but before the feminists get carried away, you should finish reading...). So there they are, a whole flock of scaly vagina's, loving life, swimming free, eating mollusks, until... Well, depending on factors such as size, age, and how many other California Sheephead are lurking in the general vicinity... Well, it seems they then grow a penis, much to their own consternation... (The feminists of the group may now cry with anger and frustration...) Every single California Sheephead eventually ends up a male--usually four-fifths of their life is spent wondering where this new organ came from and why they feel the need to stab the younger ones with it who haven't grown one--yet. In fact, they usually end up spontaneously growing this penis at about seven or eight years of age, then spend the rest of their almost fifty years on this earth lugging it around making a new batch of females with the other females who have yet to undergo gender reassignment surgery...

I suppose this means Chaz Bono wishes he had been born a California Sheephead. But then again, maybe not...

Believe it or not, there a quite a large number of fishes who have this female-to-male sex switching going on (and not in the 1970s kind of way--hello swingers, wherever you are!), but California Sheepheads are unique in that they are the only ones who always start out female and always end up males! (And you thought the orgies you attended were confusing!)

And of course, I never did care overly much for s/he-food...

Now, while there may be something that needs to be said about the whole "Hmm? I wonder what I would do if one morning I woke up the opposite sex!?" (all straight men reading this suddenly started rubbing their chests knowing they would spend all day playing with their new boobs...) I know I personally am breathing a sigh of relief that I know I'll still have what I have when I wake up tomorrow morning...

As long as I stay away from Lorena Bobbit...

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Sources:

• National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
• The Santa Barbara Independent
• Wikipedia

A Counter Argument... (or, At the Very Least, a Response...)

This blog post is mainly a response to a discussion going on here at War of the Waves.

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The problem with saying "Darwinism" is at fault, or at least "the scientific rationale for Communism-an ideology" is it's not only a mis-directed blame-ology, it is a false argument at it's core. It would be much like trying to say it's the bible's fault that people have used scripture as the basis for some of the bloodiest and deadliest wars in all of recorded history. Just because Marx was able to twist Darwin's writings on natural selection as a way of building a government system with which to subjugate and control most of a continent isn't Darwin's fault, and it certainly isn't evolutions fault--it's Marx's fault! And you, Richard Ramsey, are making the same misplaced logic that Marx was at fault for using! You just have a different goal for misreading evolutionary theory! (not to say that the misreading is entirely "on purpose," but it is nonetheless twisted and misread on your part...)

And while it may be nice, even a worthy goal, to read up and study Communism's faults, foibles, and history upon earth as it relates to human history and such, it is still a very bad casual connection to say Darwin and evolutionary theory are somehow to blame for Communism's brutal and bloody reign. The bible, and the wars fought on it's behalf (or, if you will, the beliefs held by those who have read and misread it for eons) have caused just as much misery, pain, torture as Marx--more, if truth be entirely told. And while it is easy to see how Marx could misread and use evolutionary theory to build a governmental system meant for subjugating a people, the fault lies in that, instead of seeing how Marx misread the writings of Darwin, but that you think Marx read them correctly and thus it must be Darwin's fault (or at the very least evolution's fault!) means that you think Marx's misreading and misapplication must have been the only true and accurate way of reading Darwin's material in the first place!

I am hoping you see the distinction here, but if you think I'm not being entirely clear here on the distinction, let me know and I can try to figure out another way to phrase or illustrate my point...

Now, onto your second point, "how can one go about observing one species changing into another?"

First, I suggest you read up on how micro- and macroevoltion are the exact same thing. (You can see my 29 posts about the topic of evolution and it's impact on all our lives, or if you do a simple Google search on macroevolution and find many reputable, scientific articles, sources, and facts about macroevolution and its many proofs). Of course, none of this will mean a pile of dingo's kidneys if you refuse to look at any of it with any type of critical thinking (so many refuse to engage in critical thinking when it comes to these topics of "creationism V evolution") but I like to think most people keep an open mind when considering any point of view or reading any new material... :)

Why 42 is Actually a Better Answer...

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... more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters, Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes, and Who is This God Person Anyway?...

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You Got to Have Faith-ah-Faith-ah-Faith-Ah!

Now, dear reader, we've spoken of faith before: What is Faith?, Things That Make You Go Hmm..., Knowing is Half the Battle, A Proof of Faith, If You Don't Believe in Flying Pigs, and Creationism, Faith, and Proof, just to name a few!

But one of the recurring things that come up in any discussion with a rabid fundamentalist is something along the lines of, "I don't care what science says, I have faith in god and that settles it!" or "I don't care what you say or what the evidence is, god said it, I believe it, and that settles it!" You get the gist: Despite evidence and reason to the contrary, if they can think of a verse that "contradicts" the evidence (as if man's written word from 2000+ years ago could be considered "relevant" and "up-to-date" when it comes to man's wealth of knowledge), it must be the bible that is true (as it does claim to be the truly inspired word of god [actually, that statement refers only to the first five books of the OT, but most fundies overlook that bit of literalism...] and how could we argue with such circularity?).

But what about this verse?

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Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

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Take a moment, digest it, think about where I might be going...

Let's highlight the most important portion there: faith is [...] the evidence of things not seen. One of the more wonderful and intelligent Christians I know put it this way: "[I]t should not be taken as justification for claiming what we see doesn't exist." He goes on to reiterate, "it may make room for Christians to affirm an afterlife, for instance, but it doesn't justify denying evolution."

To rephrase, faith is a wonderful thing for people to have (in fact, as stated in older posts, we utilize faith on a daily basis!) as long as that faith is based on something reasonable, logical, and based on experience and knowledge! The problem with fundamentalist faith, with baseless faith, is clearly seen in such silly arguments as "God said it, I believe it, and that settles it!" In fact, such a statement settles nothing at all and flies in the face of all things based on reality as we know it, not to mention it even seems to fly a little bit in the face of Paul (but that's another argument altogether...).

As our growing body of knowledge increases exponentially every day with breakthroughs in medicine and technology in science labs across the planet, one would certainly not be remiss in pointing out that the amount of things "unseen" gets relatively smaller and smaller (although our understanding of the laws of physics continues to add more and more questions which we then set about trying to answer as well), so it is no surprise that the God of All Things in Times Past has become the God of Small Things in Times Present (and the foreseeable future!)...

Of course, the most jolting thing at the beginning of this century has been the rise of not only radical fundamentalism in Islamic circles, but the rise of ideological fundamentalism here in the land with brought light to the enlightened! ("G.E.: We Bring Good Things to Light!!") When our last president fully embraced the ignorance of his religion (exclaiming that "creationism" should be taught alongside the laws of evolution, for instance), people's whose brains had much better things to do suddenly had to put on the brakes and figure out who misplaced the Enlightenment, and once found, how to bring it back to the masses so that humanity could continue its course on finding The Answer. That it happened at all in this day and age is a bit embarrassing--after all, who expected humanity to suddenly prefer religious ignorance to the sound logic, realistic knowledge of the new century? (The enlightened certainly didn't!)

Regardless of whether or not this resurgent fundamentalism is a backlash against globalization or simply a matter of poor educational institutions putting up with too much riff raff, the question remains: How does society go about bringing everyone back up to speed on the current body of knowledge, and then keep them there? It may be all well and good to claim an afterlife--but what is the underlying motive behind preaching a seven-day creationism? In what way do such arguments hinder or help humanity? Even Paul, a favorite among evangelicals everywhere, preached that the only thing one needed to believe was that Jesus was the son of god, and that he had died and risen again--where does a belief in the seven-day creation period have anything to do with that message? And for that matter, what does being "pro-life" or "pro-choice" have to do with that? Never mind that the evangelical movement has lost its "mission from god" in a dramatic and dangerous fashion (one only need look at the recent murder of late-term abortion provider Dr. Tiller to see the consequences of unchecked radical fundamentalism), but it seems to me they've lost their sense of decency. After all, in what way could all this mobilized effort against health care reform and "protecting the unborn" be used more productively than in providing care for the widows and orphans, as was one of Jesus' main concerns? What would happen if Focus on the Family and the American Family Association, instead of trying to prevent gay marriage, used all that time, money, and propaganda to instead feed the homeless? Provide prescriptions for the elderly? Shelter the orphans?

It doesn't take a Christian to see where fundamentalist Christians have it all wrong, and in more ways than just the false science of creationism... They've become the followers of the God of Small Details That Ultimately Mean Nothing, something considerably worse than just being the followers of the God of Small Things... It may only take baseless, unseen faith to become a Christian, but it takes a special kind of on-purpose blindness to be a fundamentalist evangelical Christian... I am glad that I do know so many good people, Christians and non-Christians, who do take the time to say a kind word to a stranger, who hand the homeless guy a fiver, who offer the stranger a jacket or sweatshirt... These are the people who Get It, who realize that our common humanity is much more than ignoring the seen things. Indeed, these are the people who seek out the unseen in the hopes of making things better for all!

Faith is NOT a good reason for blindness to the human condition, and more often than not it is used as an excuse. Today's fundamentalists in religious circles (Islamic, Christian, Jewish, what-have-you) is nothing more than well-disguised political movement using god as a weapon and faith as a bludgeon against anything remotely "unbiblically based," even when (and sometimes seemingly especially when) the matters being discussed have no bearing whatsoever in the religious spheres and circles... I think that, if we are to drag humanity back past the Enlightenment (with probably a lot of the kicking and screaming we're experiencing today), we must once again focus on the basics of what it means to be a decent human being...

And have a little faith in one another... Not in the unseen sky daddies of the past...

Speaking of Luck....

But... No one even mentioned it! you're thinking...

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Visiting Scientist: Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?
Bohr: I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not! How can one argue with such logic?

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Indeed, it's much like the "What harm does it do to believe in God?" (Ask the last group that drank the Kool-Aid...) For the record, Bohr is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, but there he is, with a freakin' horseshoe hanging on the wall over his desk. And why? Even he isn't sure...

We humans are a generally stupid species, for all of our technological innovations and such--perhaps our one saving grace (perpetual curse?) being we are just smart enough to know how stupid we are without being quite smart enough to know how to not be so stupid. Why, for instance, do we knock on wood? Call off on Friday the 13th? Expect people to act just a tad crazier under a full moon? Worship gods? Pray to angels?

Did you know that, while wearing a seat belt has been known to save more lives in the drivers' seat of a moving vehicle, the number of pedestrians and cyclists who die increases in areas where seat-belt wearing is mandatory? Honestly! Any lives "saved" through the use of seat belts has been negated by the fact that, since the drivers feel more secure in the automobile, they in fact drive more recklessly than they had previous to being forced to wear such a safety device! But so many people believe that seat belts save lives that we thus made a law saying you must wear one, even though as a result more people will now die--just on the other side of the wheel... Gotta love the irony there.

Remember back in the 80s when we were all told that heavy rock music stars actually recorded Satan speaking backwards on their records? (How many of you just wondered what the heck a "record" was?) People by the hundreds threw out thousands of dollars worth of albums so that their children wouldn't be influenced by the evil Satanic speech coming from their record players (as if!!). Most of these songs you can now hear on any commercial-filled yet Satan-free "classic rock" or "easy listening" station.

Now, somewhere between the unreasonable panic over swine flu and the even more unreasonable panic over the thought of terrorists using a cargo container to sneak in a nuclear bomb (as if...), one wonders how the term "common sense" ever came to be coined when it's obvious so many people lack the very stuff. (Perhaps "common sense" is just one of those mythical things, like demons, gremlins, and luck dragons...? Often mentioned, never seen...?) Yet for sense to be "common" (in that, every one is supposed to have it), one has to simply observe how many buildings do NOT have a 13th floor; how many people refuse to go to work on Friday the 13th; how many actually stop and change their path to avoid going under the ladder (I actually think a painter made this one up just to prevent himself from getting nervous up there watching all those doofs go under him!). What is it about irrational and illogical beliefs that so many refuse to give them up?

Could it all actually be for shits and giggles? Somehow I doubt this...

Most people know the principle that any action causes an equal and opposite reaction. (Okay,maybe you don't, just google it and it's won't be long til you're all caught up.) We step on a loose rock and lose our balance, we quickly form quite a few beliefs:

• Falling hurts
• Loose rocks cause falling
• Loose rocks are dangerous
• Loose rocks are to be avoided whenever possible

But, before you know it, all things "loose" are suspect. Of course, this is a very logical conclusion to come to, not only because of your experience, but it's rationally sound. Loose footing = falling down = pain. It's not that hard, is it?

But then think about "Break a leg!" To wish an actor or performer "Good luck!" is to jinx them--why? Because somewhere along the way, a few to many people were wished "good luck" before their performance and proceeded bomb in front of an audience. There's no direct correlation between these spoken words of "good luck" and bombing your rendition of "Baby Got Back!" (one wonders how many contestants on American Idol have been inadvertently wished "good luck" before Simon ripped their hearts out with a toothpick). But our minds do make that correlation for no good reason. It's illogical, irrational, very unsound, and if you based your thesis for graduating on such a premise, they'd revoke your right to say anything at all about anything afterward! We silly, stupid humans do this sort of thing all the time!

How many of us know rationally that knocking on wood doesn't do anything, yet, once we say something out loud, there go our knuckles, banging out a River Dance of the fingers! We know that those random numbers we picked at 2:00 pm are just as unlikely to be winners at 8:55 pm, yet we are 90 percent more likely to be unwilling to trade our lottery ticket for another ticket of equally random, equally chance of winning numbers at 8:55 then we were at 2:00... Why? Who knows... Because we're stupid. We believe prayer actually does something... We believe standing in the rain causes a cold... We believe all sorts of crazy, stupid things...

With a little luck, here's hoping this post causes you all to stop and think before you start knuckling out the Star Spangled Banner...

As if "luck" has anything to do with it...

On Being "Not in Pain..."

You remember, dear reader, when I mentioned briefly the fact that I was to be "scanned" on Saturday to "see what was going on in there," right? There was a possibility of diverticulitis or some such other disturbing intestinal issue...

Well... That was the understatement of the century!

It started Saturday morning--a very unassuming, kind of pretty morning, where a few birds decided to sing and we had an easy time finding the hospital where the CT scan was supposed to take place. I drank the tepid, stale-milkshake tasting crap ("tasty barium solution") beginning at 7:45 am, 8:40 am, and then at 9:10 am. Blech! They place me on a table, run me back and forth through a metal donut a few times all the while piping something into my veins through my left knuckle. (Due to many hospitalizations in my life, most of my elbow veins are quite... collapsed?... leaving the rest of my arms open for needle infestation wherever they can get blood to appear...) Fifteen minutes later they tell me I can go, so Rich and I head to the coal place to buy some bags of coal to heat our home. 45 minutes later, as I am lugging 30 lb bags of chestnut coal into the house and Rich lays down for a nap (having only had four hours of sleep due to double shifts and not knowing what this appointment involved), my cell phone begins ringing. I don't recognize the number, so I don't answer--half the time my cell doesn't connect at home anyway, so I figure I'll check my voice mail after eating a nice big lunch--the first lunch in over two weeks in which I'm allowed to start "reintroducing carbs" into my diet. I'm imagining a nice grilled cheese sandwich with a few fries dipped in honey mustard... Heaven on a plate, I tell you...

But my phone keeps ringing. And ringing. And ringing. They never leave voice mails, it's like three different numbers, over and over again. I grab Rich's cell as he half dozes on the couch and dial one of the numbers:

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ME: Hi, uh... Someone keeps calling me from this number? My name is Jason Hughes? (I don't know why I say this as a question, but there it is, hanging there the same way bricks don't...)
Woman: Yes, thank you for calling, I'm connecting you to Dr Carlson now.
Me: Wait, I-- (I've been put on hold... Why is hot intern Doc calling me?)
Doctor: Jason? Thank god, how are you feeling?
Me: Uh, fine... How are you?
Doctor: You--you feel fine?
Me: Yeeeeessssss....
Doctor: No pain?
Me: Nnnnnooooooo....
Doctor: You need to get back to the hospital right away!
Me: Um, okay, but why?
Doctor: You really have no pain?
Me: No, in fact I was about to eat lunch--
Doctor: Don't EAT!!!!
Me: Uh--okay. (I drop the sandwich as if a snake has just appeared between the leaves of lettuce... Rich stares at me curiously...)
Doctor: Your gall bladder is on the verge of exploding!
Me: Um--come again?
Doctor: Radiology called me, and that never happens. You must return to the hospital ASAP before it ruptures!
Me: My gall bladder is going to explode? (Rich sits up wide-eyed, his mouth forming a "whaaa....?")
Doctor: Yes, go straight to the ER immediately. Your--your really not in any pain at all?
Me: No, I feel fine. Great, actually.
Doctor: Amazing. Get to the ER.

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I spend the next half hour calming Rich down and we set out once again for the half-hour-away hospital. I feel no sense of urgency, mind you--have I mentioned how great I feel?--but Rich is beside himself, apologizing for every pot hole hit, for every Sunday driver in front of us on this Saturday, for every song he likes that I disdain that pops up on the radio...

We get to the ER where Rich's dad is anxiously awaiting to see me doubled over in pain and agony--after all, Rich's quick message to their answering machine left little to their imagination--"I have to run Jay to the ER--his gall bladder is exploding!!"--and is amazed as I walk in and greet him with a hug. I walk over to the receptionist in the ER.

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Me: Hi, yes, I'm here because I'm suffering from Choleocetesis? (again, the question hangs there... She eye balls me...)
Receptionist: Are you sure?
Me: According to the latest and greatest in technology, yes.
Receptionist: Well, fill out this form, we'll be right with you.

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I can hear the unspoken "Hypochondriac!" added to the end of that sentence. I fill out the forms, chatting amiably with an amazed father-in-law and a beside-himself husband. They finally call my name and am ushered behind a curtain and handed a gown--you know the kind, one-size fits none, the world can see your ass gown. I change and sit crossed-legged on the bed and amuse myself with games on my cell phone. The curtain gets ripped to the side and a doctor and nurse approach with what is to become a very routine Q&A session:

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Doctor: Tell me your name, birth date, and what you are here for.
Me: Jason Hughes, January 1976, Choleocetesis. (He looks up in alarm.)
Doctor: Gall Bladder attack? Show me where the pain is.
Me: I don't have any.
Doctor: You don't--no pain?
Me: No.
Doctor: Lay back. (He pressed various parts of my abdomen, looking for any sign of pain or discomfort...) Here? How about here? Here?
Me: Nope. No. Uh-uh.
Doctor: Who told you you were having a gall bladder attack?
Me: (I relate the events of the past two weeks.)
Doctor: And you have no pain.
Me: Nope. (I'm quite bored with the amazement of this by now, but nonetheless continue to answer this question repeatedly. Of course, now he's looking at me like I've just arrived from Carckhouse #4 looking for my next pain-killer fix...)
Doctor: Well, I'll go take a look at the results of your test. We'll be back in a few minutes.

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Yes, a few minutes. Hospital speak for an hour or two. I continue my game of Jewel Quest until they reappear ten boards later...

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Doctor: Wow... This is bad. Very bad. Uh, still no pain?
Me: No. (I half-sigh this.)
Doctor: Uh-huh. Well, we'll be admitting you shortly. In the meantime, you should call someone--
Me: My partner is in the ER waiting room.
Doctor: Nurse, bring him back so we can fill him in and get this patient admitted STAT. (I'm a bit amazed at the use of "STAT." I thought that was a television ER thing only!) We'll also be ordering an ultrasound to get a better picture of just how imminent this gall bladder explosion is, okay? See you soon.

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I'm shown to a new curtain, ordered to fill a plastic cup with urine ("Mid-stream, now, not at the end or beginning or urination, mid-stream!"), and wait patiently with Rich until another doctor shows up. In the meantime, my parents stop in for a visit, Rich wanders back and forth between complete worry and emotional breakdown. All the while I chat with nurses coming and going, filling vials of blood from various parts of my arms (yet never the elbows), inserting an IV, and listening to the older-than-Jesus woman in the next bed complaining about her leg pain. (In fact, she gets quite loud when I'm wheeled out for an ultrasound before she is...). After all that, another doctor comes in.

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Doctor: Name, birth date, complaint?
Me: Blah, blah, blah...
Doctor: And what have they given you for pain? (peering at my chart...)
Me: Nothing. I'm not--
Doctor: Nothing for the pain? Nurse!
Me: I'm not in any pain!
Doctor: What?
Me: (Sigh.) I'm not in any pain.
Doctor: Do you have a football game or something coming up?
Me: Do you need glasses?
Doctor: Excuse me?
Me: I'm thirty-three--who am I playing football for?
Doctor: Well, men like to play down pain so as not to interfere with various activities they have going on...
Me: (Apparently I need to sound more convincing...) I'm NOT IN PAIN. Honestly.
Doctor: I'm going to go take a look at the results of your test. (He is also now giving me the "Hypochondriac Crack-whore" look...)

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I sigh again as Rich looks worriedly into my eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asks. At this point, I'm so worried he's going to drop over of a stress-related heart attack, I send him off to find food and liquid for himself (yet telling him it's for me...) When the doctor returns, there is more of the "This is bad" and "This needs to come out now" talk and I'm sent up to Floor 5. I'm visited by two of the Fab Five with their spouses and children, in which my niece, poor sweet thing, says "I don't want you to die!" We console her and continue to josh and chat happily away--still not in pain. I'm beginning to imagine how my malpractice suit will take shape. Rich's parents also stop in for a brief visit and then it's off to surgery where there is much more amazement about my painless existence on this planet, more rechecking of my "tests," and still more urgency about getting my gall bladder out. From what I can gather, I have a gall bladder on the verge of exploding with one huge stone blocking all entry/exit from said bladder, and many little gall stone buddies hanging out behind him, all waiting their turns to wreak pain on my body. The large stone is apparently my saving grace from pain as it keeps all the other stones built up behind him from doing anything. Yet, at the same time, since the "bile" can also not leave, it's trying to create new exits (hence, the imminent explosion...), and I seem to be up a creek...

At midnight I am wheeled into the OR. Painless.

At 3:00 am Sunday morning, I awake. In pain.

Go figure.

As I drift back and forth between sleep and wakefulness, various nurses come and go, asking me questions, drawing more blood, hanging more IV bags, my poor husband trying to sleep but be there beside me whenever I wake up, however briefly. I get more visits from friends and family, a bunch of phone calls, and a nephew who makes me promise not to die for another 800 years (I promise him only fifty...) and am discharged at the end of the day on Sunday... Less than 24 hours after being sliced like a deli ham...

I've been recuperating at my mother's house (with Rich stopping in every day between work shifts) as she reintroduces me to all that I've been missing on television the last nine months, playing Nurse Good Body (as she so names herself--"I'm Nurse Good Body without the Good Body!") and slowly healing. My stomach is strangely misshapen, of course. There are five new holes just above the scar left behind when the appendix was removed in 1991, and I realize I won't be winning any "Navel of the Year" awards... ever. Suffice to say, however, that with the removal of my gall bladder, according to two doctors now, all of the heartburn and stomach pain I've been experiencing and chalking up to "getting older" have all been the result of my failing gall bladder. I've most likely been suffering this for years and the many empty bottles of tums, Pepto, Pepsid, Milk of Magnesia, all of it--should now be history.

I think that's the most amazing thing about this. I can eat red meat again without fear. Orange juice can be a part of my mornings again. Onions need not be shunned. Chili peppers are my friends again. Granted, without my gall bladder, I'm told there will be some things my body won't be able to process, but since every one's body is different, I just have to see what happens after eating certain things and then decide if it's worth it. (Apparently, some people find they can no longer eat anything greasy while others can now eat things they never could before! Go figure!) But this should end approximately five years of a diminishing array of foods and reopen my life to those things everyone else could eat without issue...

Finally painless in all areas of my diet.

Life should be good once again!

So Much for "An Apple a Day..."

We're talking pain, people. Serious, gut-wrenching, horrible nasty pain... 3:30 in the morning there's-no-way-in-hell-I-can-sleep is-there-a-doctor-in-the-house PAIN.

Yes, at 3:30 am (Eastern Standard Time, of course), I suddenly sat up in bed and cried out. I gripped my stomach where the pain was located (Mistake Number One), which, of course, intensified said pain. I cried out louder. Hawthorne leaped onto the bed and Rich says in that half-asleep-adrenaline-induced-wide-awake voice, "Are you okay?"

I'm sure the words "Uh, no, duh!" raced through my mind on some subconscious level. But in what was to be a theme for the next three days of doing the wrong thing to try to get said pain to disappear, I uttered, "Get me some Tums..."

I do believe I chewed about 20. Which, if we have to keep count, was Mistake Number Two. I laid there, willing away the pain. Every two seconds, a "Baby, are you okay?" drifted across the painful universe of which I now inhabited. I would grunt occasionally, tried laying in various positions, all to no avail. At about 4:30 am, I went to the bathroom and grabbed the bottle of "Pepto Max" and proceeded to guzzle. ( Mistake Number Three...) I went out to the couch, thinking of giving myself a rest from the "Are you okay"s and him a chance to sleep before he went into work--neither goal of which was accomplished...

Even though I knew the doc wasn't yet in, at 7:00 I started calling the office every five minutes, just in case. I called work to say I wouldn't be there. I drank more Pepto Max. Chewed more Tums. Continued to grip and ungrip my stomach.

I got an appointment at 11:10 am. I left for the appointment to the doctor's office which was just 20 minutes away at 10:00 am, again, "just in case."

Along the way I continued sipping the Pepto, alternately hitting the passenger seat and steering wheel as the pain intensified. I groaned for 45 long minutes in the waiting room, and another 30 minutes in the little room.

And why--why o why o why--do doctors insist on asking how you are? Maybe it's just me, but it's not like I make emergency appointments just to catch up on my doctors latest round of golf, you know? But there it was and I grunted something which I hoped would convey the unnecessariness of small talk and the urgent need for medical care.

It took two more hours (prodding, poking, six X-rays, three vials of blood, and a chatty nurse) before TWO doctors came back in to my tiny world. The first thing to cross my mind was "Damn, who's the fox?" which was quickly followed by "Oh, shit--I'm dying!" (One: The fox was the new resident there to learn something new and exciting, apparently. Two: I wasn't dying...)

"You know how everyone keeps telling you you're full of it? They're right!" Ha, ha, very funny... PAIN!!!!!! FIX!!!!! NOW!!!!!! I smiled wearily (at least, I think I did...) Long and short? "Take a suppository--you'll feel much better in five to six hours."

Uh-huh. I run to the grocery store, buy laxatives, suppositories, three gallons of water, a case of Ginger Ale (with the punching of the passenger seat and steering wheel, of course) and run home to lay on my couch. I read the laxative bottle: "Take 1 pill every four hours until bowel movement is achieved."

I took three. (Still counting? Mistake Number Four.)

I read the suppository bottle: "Insert 1 into the rectum once a day until bowel movement is achieved." Done.

I sat and gripped my stomach. I turned on South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut until I found out laughter wasn't the best medicine in this case. Two hours later when I still hadn't "made a movement," I "inserted" another suppository. (Mistake Number Five.) Rich comes home, "How are you feeling?"

Grunt.

All through the night I grip my stomach, unable to sleep as putting any pressure on any portion of my stomach (front, back, left, right) causes pain. PAIN.

With my dark circles, tired husband, and now a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 pain, I make a call at 9:00 am Tuesday morning. "Help..." I feebly whisper to the receptionist. "Go to the emergency room" is the advice I am given.

So I go. Rich drives, so I satisfy my pain by hitting myself in the thighs, the dashboard, tearing at the seat belt.

I have to fill out paperwork. I commit to answers that "sound good" as Rich tries to fill them out for me. As I sit the almost three hours with CNN blasting me from one side and a child who's cries you could set a watch to hitting me on the other, I gripped my stomach. The child continued:

wahhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh
wahhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh
uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh
wahhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh
wahhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh
uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh

Just as I was about to commit murder, I hear my name called out and I race for the escape from the clock-work child. I am told to wear one of those "gowns"--you know, the kind feared by those with less-than-perfect bodies but work great in porno's involving doctors and nurses? After a few more hours of X-rays and blood vials drained from my body (during which time the Clockwork Kid has been placed in the bed next to mine...), I am no longer "full of it" but "full of gas." Between the antacids slowing my metabolism and the laxatives and suppositories taken over the recommended dose, I have succeeded in going from full of stuck solids to full of trapped gasses! Should I even bother repeating here what the doctor at the ER said? ("They put directions on labels for a reason...") No shit, Sherlock. Cease my pain and I'll be glad to follow some directions! But until then? No holds barred!

Then comes to really, really mean part: "Absolutely NO Apples." Something about pectin. I dunno, I just know that my love affair with America's favorite snack is now my bane. My nemesis. My enemy.

That was followed by "...and for the next ten days, no carbs, no bananas (only TOO easy to give up--not that I've had one in 30+ years...), no potatoes, no rice, no bread, no pizza, no cupcakes, cookies, cakes, pies, APPLES... Only vegetables, vegetables, vegetables for the next TEN DAYS..." (Shoot me now, shoot me now...) "...and be sure to add the 5 P's: Plums, Pears, Peaches, Prunes, and Pineapples to your diet."

"Meat?"

"Chicken or pork, nothing red."

(Shoot me now, shoot me now...) "For how long?"

"After ten days, you may begin to reintroduce--slowly--potatoes and rice."

"And steak?"

"Not for at least three months."

"And apples?"

"Not for at least three months."

"You're killing me doc."

"Most people say that after I say 'no steak.'"

"You've never had my mother's Jewish Apple Cake..." (Sigh...)

"You're Jewish?"

"No..."

"Oh... No. Apples."

I now wonder what she would have said had I said "yes" to being Jewish...

The pain is slowly dissipating... through plentiful "emissions" both from above and below... And I may have diverticulitis! (For once, something bad inherited from my father, not my mother...) Hooray! A full CT scan is scheduled for next Saturday... A machine will virtually rape me from throat to butt to "get a sense" of "what's going on in there." They may even take more blood--who's to know?

So much for an apple a day...

The Immorality of Creationism...

I know, I know, dear reader. You think me a slacker--a lazy, good-for-nothing blog-abandoning sloth. The truth is I've been so busy in the physical world my digital world has suffered, and I do apologize for that.

But as I sat down tonight--my first night of leisure in what seems an eternity--I read something so entirely disturbing I had to rip myself away from the leisurely pursuit of reading other blogs to post about it. Mind you, you may think it not a big deal and actually kind of a bore, but as it's my blog, I think my concerns take a bit more precedence than yours. ;)

---

I think it important to "know thine enemy," as it were, and after spending about two hours reading those blogs I generally enjoy and agree with (when it comes to blogs of opinion and not just daily life), I like to take some time to see what all the fundies are up in arms about. What's getting their goat lately, what's eating their cheese, what's taking the "fun" out of "fundamentalism," so to speak.

I stopped at one web site I hardly ever check on anymore, mostly because I find it's authors so totally warped and wrapped up in the dogma as to make the Pharisees of Jesus' time look like kittens who hugged too much.

Their latest "comment-getter" can be surmised as such: Teaching evolution causes people to kill people. Creationism and Genesis are the only things that can save us from ourselves. Which, to say the least, is about as dogmatic and simple-minded as it gets. I said as much (putting it as nicely as I could), but then I felt the need to come back here and say my own piece. I'm sure the author's will follow back here (and perhaps be a bit dismayed to find I'm a bit harder on them over here than I was over there) but such is life. After all, if I can't please everyone, I may as well blog about it, yes?

What really got my goat (if we are so inclined to beat a metaphor like the proverbial horse in need of an undertaker) was the following statement from the article to which they were "discussing":

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The president of Creation Worldview Ministries says decades of teaching "evolution only" in public schools and universities is partly responsible for crimes such as the mass shooting earlier this week in Virginia.

Dr. Grady McMurtry [...] says, public schools and universities have taught the theory of evolution as fact, with no opposing viewpoints — and the result, he contends, is a lack of respect for human life.

Therefore, he asserts, people should not be surprised when mass shootings occur, such as the one on the Blacksburg university campus on Monday.

---

As you can tell, this article (and most likely this blog post by them) is a bit dated, but nonetheless speaks to the dangerous mindset of fundamentalism.

It's still a bunch of hogwash. Let me explain:

As I touched on in a few earlier posts (here, here, and here, just to name a few), teaching creationism as if it were a science, let alone pretending it's some semblance of a good argument, is one of the most immoral things fundamentalists have tried to do for years. Not that trying to claim humility and humbleness while claiming you are special enough to be worth the death of a god wasn't a bad enough irony-laden position, but now to actually try to spin your fairy tale as "science that will prevent murders"? It's like they are in a one-man race toward the bottom of what it means to be stupid while appearing to be smart--and failing miserably.

To begin with, evolution is not about us being "glorified animals." It is a theory (much like gravity and flight, which I'm sure will be the next bone of contention among fundamentalist circles) which explains, quite succinctly, adequately, and truthfully, about the diversity of life upon this, the third rock from the sun. It does not speak to humanities supposed "greatness," it does not dwell on our "superiority," and is not a driving philosophy to fill the empty hours when people who wish for something just a bit more than life itself say such boorish things as "Why am I here?" and "What is my purpose in life?" As if we all have the time to give you meaning and purpose. Get a life.

Second, if anything serves to drive down meaning and purpose (again, as if living life itself weren't wonderful enough), creationism teaches nothing more than that god was bored one day, just he and his other two supposed personalities in their timeless existence, and he decided to create mud that he could play with and bring to life. And not content just to play with that life, he pretended to kill one of his personalities for the sake of "buying back" the "souls" of his Ken and Barbie dolls so that he wouldn't have to place them in the trash compactor. Splendid. I feel full of fuzzy warms already. "You mean he loves me sooooo muuuuuuch that he'll burn me forever if I don't grovel at his feet and stroke his ego? Sign me up!" If that doesn't teach you that god thinks life is disposable, nothing will. He killed his kid (or, if you prefer, he allowed his son to commit suicide [how do the Catholics explain THAT one!]) for crying out loud! And we're supposed to think he holds our lives as sacred? Seriously?

Third: To teach that evolution is nothing more than a "guess" does a serious disservice to the science community, which has proven the usefulness of evolutionary sciences in the fields of biology and medicine to provide life-saving medications and treatments. Not only has evolutionary theory kept us thriving for the last hundred years (the turning point being the polio vaccine, in my opinion), it has actually allowed humanity to be a much greater moral species--it has allowed us, using our brains and our senses, to find new ways to help one another, to save one another, to make one another's lives better! Not just to survive, but to thrive! Where people use to just sit and pray and light candles, they can now be proactive and get medicine and therapy built on the very evolutionary sciences that fundamentalists are scoffing at! Where people use to blame god's wrath or anger, we can now prevent certain conditions, heal wounds, and even bring back from death those very same people that, just even fifty years ago, would have been proclaimed as having been "called home to heaven." And people thank god? Thank a scientist! Thank a doctor, a pharmacologist, a university professor, an inquisitive mind! Thank Galileo, Newton, Einstein, and a host of others disregarded, ridiculed, and sometimes banned and killed by the church for "witchcraft" and "blaspheme." These are the people, the pioneers, of today's life-saving medicines. (And if you think these forefathers to modern scientists are unrelated to this discussion, you are worse off than I even considered!)

When it comes right down to it, however, this is really a moot point, as science never has, and possibly never will, speak to the existence of imaginary beings outside of our realms of inquiry. Believe it or not, the purpose of science is not to "attack" Christianity any more than it's purpose is to prove that jelly is, in fact, butter. The purpose of science is to ask questions, provide answers, and then keep hammering and hammering and hammering at those answers. This is the very truth of the scientific method. To continually seek new data, see how it fits into what is previously known, and change what was thought to be known based on what is now known. Science is not static (much to the chagrin of many a fundie), as they are constantly revising and updating and finding new information. Every year, in fact, there are huge arguments within the scientific community as notions are challenged, ideas are placed on the table, new data is verified, tested, and re-examined by anyone who is anyone. It is because of this method, this very morally justifiable method, that most people are even around to argue the silliness of creationism as there are today. If not for the scientific method, 90 percent of us wouldn't be here today, including myself, because we all would have sat around, staring at each other, thinking god was angry and not being able to do anything about it except more staring and praying.

Believe what you wish--science ultimately doesn't care, mostly because what you believe has little to do with anything outside of your own head. But don't you dare claim that what you believe is justifiable as an alternative to facts. Because it isn't.

Ultimately, creationism (most fundamentalist positions, actually) is very self-serving and ultimately self-defeating. The more they try to "prove" creationism by cutting out everything that doesn't fit, and then claiming that left over 1 percent is "evidence," will eventually lead to (hopefully) the eye-opening reality check for the fairy tale that it is. What's truly sad is so many hold dogma and doctrine in much higher regard than their own world and lives, and so many of them (fundies) will continue to scream, stomp their feet, and demand that they, and only they, can have the answer because of an old Hebrew text told by word of mouth for thousands of years before finally being put on paper, during captivity by the Babylonian Empire, to be read for thousands more.

To summarize: To deny and prevent the use of the evolutionary sciences will harm humanity as a whole, not only knowledge-wise, but in the very scary realm of disease, pestilence, and death--a very immoral position which places humanity in jeopardy from future problems and issues relating to virus's, bacterium, and genetically destructive mutations. Therefore, if we reduce the ability of sciences to cure, prevent, or treat human causes of suffering over "theologically important" views, an immoral and deadly position has been staked. Ergo, to support evolutionary facts and discoveries, and opposing false sciences based on theological criteria, is the right and moral thing to do.

To quote a pretty well-known Latin proverb, "Unless what we do is useful, glory is vain." Indeed, creationism holds nothing useful, not even to Christians. It will only continue to erode the very "rock solid" foundation they claim to stand on. And while many modern Christians have indeed realized that science is not a threat to their belief (and in fact, many have revised their interpretations of scripture so that they are in fact quite complimentary), whenever something is viewed as "unchanging," it will always get left behind.

And until fundamentalists realize that evolutionary sciences aren't a life philosophy, and are in fact actual truths and laws, the sooner they can give up wasting time fighting it and spend more time loving their neighbors and worshiping their god(s). Anything more would be glory for glories sake, and vanity of the highest order. Anything less would be immoral.