Zombies and Wind and Jesus, Oh! My!

It still boggles my mind to this day that there is a persistent belief in a god(s), especially in a society where education should be a priority. (Should be because not enough people value asking “why?”, and politicians always seem to think budget cuts start in our schools…)

You see, a recent game of “Which would you rather” in the morning somehow got turned into a “Have you seen this crap!” and thus, a coworker recently pointed me to another coworker’s blog, where the heavy-handed “I’m more moral than the world” coupled with the “I’m so humble in Jesus” monologues made me want to gag, vomit, commit suicide, and drop nuke’s on every major religious center in the world—

Scratch that—it made me want to drop nukes on even the minor religious centers.

I do try my best to withhold judgment when people make off-handed comments in my general direction, like “Jesus helped me do this,” or “I know God’s watching over me because of blah blah blah”; seriously, I say nothing most times, just smile and nod like I’m one of the sheep who checked his brain at the door to life and thinks angels are dancing all around me with swords flying to keep Satan and his minions at bay from causing me to commit one type of sin or another…

Sigh…

I try to be a live-and-let-live dude, what with the mass of brain-dead zombies that inhabit even the most liberal locations of where I live. Add to the fact that most of my family, and my partner, have religious and spiritual inclinations, I’m pretty well versed in the mumbo-jumbo, the beliefs, the practices, the voodoo. So, in the name of tolerance, I will sometimes make an observation, delicately-put depending on the audience, or sometimes outright laugh, also depending on the audience…

But overall, I’m highly disappointed in you, human race…

One of the more common arguments I hear from the windbag types is, “Well, you can’t see the wind—how do you know it’s there? All you can see is the effects! So Ha!” (As if such a mind-numbingly silly argument came from the lips of God hisself into their ears… Which is funny, because I’m feeling the effects of all the hot air they’re spewing when making this claim, but there it is…) If you can’t figure out why this is such a weak, silly, and all-around stupid argument, I’ll not bother to educate you. Suffice it to say, if you’ve ever considered this argument to be a firm tenant in your belief system, you have bigger problems than just believing in sky daddies and angel fairies… Suffice it to say that it hints to the notion (okay, okay, outright screams to the notion) that you somehow think wind is magical and supernatural… And I can only hope you realize how silly a position that is…

I can only hope you also realize that, when the apocalypse does come and the zombies do take over, you’ll only have to look at the closest standing religious center to find out where the infection started. (There’s a reason they hafta eat brains—their god(s) took theirs away…)

Fact of the matter is, anytime you are going to believe in something that cannot be seen, measured, tested, or even just plain logical, you may as well just do us all a favor and remove yourself from both the mating pool and the voting masses…

Knowing you exist out there really makes me think the Constitution should be amended to read “We the intelligent people…,” with a special clause regulating the rest of you to speed bump duty… Which, of course, will be unnecessary once my hover-stang is perfected. And when such a time arrives, you’ll be reassigned to coat-rack duty, assuming that global warming has been corrected by that time (and it will be, because the idiots will have been spayed and neutered and busy being coat racks…), and that sometime, somewhere, we the intelligent people will sometimes need to wear a coat due to the chilly “magical” wind…

The Growth of a Human Being...

---

“If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone.” --John Maxwell

---

First off, let's please note the irony of an atheist quoting an evangelical pastor.

So noted? Good. Moving on...

Now, let's note Spike. He is the 19+ inch tall cactus you see just there on the right. When I received Spike as a gift about 6 years ago, he was two inches tall with a purple plastic flower glued to his top. He was purchased at a grocery store in that section where they retain all things green but not necessarily of the produce persuasion. I was in the hospital having a tumor removed from my spine (benign, of course), and husband knew of my love for all things plant, but not necessarily produce, related. It was one of those "I fall in love with you all over again" moments.

Spike himself won't naturally bloom until he is somewhere between three and four feet tall, as is the wont of his species of cacti. If I ever want to see Spike dressed to the nines in this fashion, I must make sure Spike gets all the things he needs to be a fully productive member of his species: water (if sparingly), sunlight, proper soil. If I fail, Spike may die. He certainly wouldn't flourish and grow. And he will never, ever bloom if I, as his caretaker, fail in any way to provide for his needs.

Moving on...

A few years ago, there was quite the bru-ha-ha in our family as we were all once again planning our giant family get-together for the summer. And I say "giant" because when you have four siblings, each with their partners and various children and the total number of people in your immediate family exceeds twenty individuals--well, not many can relate to an immediate family of that magnitude (which is why some of the in-laws have adjustment issues when they first join our clan), and it's always quite the production.

But the bru-ha-ha happened because of the youngest sibling: she wanted to take a "moral stand." She was afraid her two children would see me and the husband in the same bedroom and ask questions--questions she wasn't prepared to answer. She was afraid they would somehow be introduced to the "gay lifestyle" too early, that it would seem as if she were "endorsing" our relationship (a very bad thing to do when you're a conservative Christian, as some of you may know), and didn't think she should have to explain to her children why Uncle Jason slept in the same room as Uncle Rich...

Needless to say, they never did come on that family vacation with the rest of us...

Anyway, a recent blog post by a Catholic woman has gone viral (see here) and it reminded me very much of the incident in our own family three years ago. Some excerpts from her blog post:

---

At the pool this summer there were homosexual couples with children and, while I was polite as my own young daughters doted on the baby with two "mommies", I also held my breath in anticipation of awkward questions - questions I'm not ready to answer. My young daughters are all under the age of eight and they are not old enough to understand why a baby would have two women calling themselves "mommies".

...

When there were two men relaxing at the side of the pool unnaturally close to each other, effeminately rubbing elbows and exchanging doe-eyes, I was again anxiously watching my children hoping they wouldn't ask questions. They don't see Daddy do that with anyone but Mommy.

...

Two of my daughters were in the sandbox, one on the slide, the other on the swings, and as I lifted the baby out of his stroller I looked up to see four women laughing at a baby boy as he was swinging in one of those bucket baby swings. That seems harmless enough, but I'm so sensitized to the strangeness in my community that I've developed this ever-present jumpiness whenever I'm in public. Sure enough, two of the women, so happy to see a baby boy laughing, embraced and remained standing there rubbing each other's back in a way that was clearly not just friendly affection.

...

I find myself unable to even leave the house anymore without worrying about what in tarnation we are going to encounter. We are responsible citizens. We live by the rules, we pay our taxes, we take care of our things. I'm supposed to be able to influence what goes on in my community, and as a voter I do exercise that right. But I'm outnumbered. I can't even go to normal places without having to sit silently and tolerate immorality. We all know what would happen if I asked two men or two women to stop displaying, right in front of me and my children, that they live in sodomy.

---

Am I allowed to say how scared I am that this woman is raising seven children?

But I digress. What I really want to talk about is the rampant "sheltering" that goes on in conservative communities. As if "parenting" has come to mean giving your children "selective" information about the world instead of trying to teach them to live and cope within it. To protect them from differing people instead of trying to teach them about the differing people of the world. To raise kids in a bubble so impenetrable, so strong, that when they do hit the real world, when they do find out that there are people out there who don't share the same view that they had growing up--well, they either

• fall back on that same mindset and continue to shelter themselves from the world (thus stunting their own growth even more than their "concerned parents" had...)
• go crazy, not knowing how to cope, and go off the deep end in various ways (i.e., having no knowledge of the dangers of over-drinking, of unprotected sex, or any number of other, easily explained social dangers),
• or they examine their beliefs, realize how they were failed as children by their uber-protective parents, and grow in the new sunlight of knowledge.

Did you notice the recurring fears in Stacy's post? Afraid of the "awkward questions - questions I'm not ready to answer"? "[W]atching my children hoping they wouldn't ask questions"?

One of the (misguided? misunderstood?) recurring themes in the comments is the "if you're liberal, you should tolerate my viewpoint" persuasion. But the thing the right-wing doesn't seem to understand about tolerance is the fact that tolerance does not mean putting up with nonsense, does not mean putting up with ill-thought-out beliefs, does not mean letting them believe whatever the hell they want without challenge, especially if you are putting it out in the public sphere of a blog.

Tolerance IS ONLY ever meant to be the smallest part of patience. And when the patience has been tried, tolerance goes out the window. Tolerate is what you do when your two-year-old tried again to drink from a cup instead of his sippy-cup; or you tolerate the sales person who called during dinner only as long as it takes to get them off the phone; you tolerate a visit from some member of the family you dislike for the sake of a holiday, or some-such other type scenario. Tolerance is not letting you live in fairy-tale land where you get to tell everyone else how to live and making your religious preferences the rules the rest of us have to live by. We tolerate a plethora of beliefs in this country. We do not have to tolerate you trying to tell everyone else how to live, and we certainly do not have to stop holding hands just because of your failure to answer a child's questions, if indeed they even ask any.

It is not the rest of the world's job to protect your children from life. It is not the rest of the world's obligation to shelter your children. When you decided to become a parent, you assumed the role of care-giver, of knowledge-imparter, of teacher/guidance counselor/role model, and a plethora of other hats. It is not a parent's job to shelter children--in fact, that would be the exact opposite of being a parent.

In fact, that would be more the role of jailer; prison guard; totalitarian.

And in those conditions? Nothing ever blooms... Nothing good ever comes of it... Nothing productive ever will.

Unless you think the role of parenting is to stunt the growth, knowledge, and strength of the next generation...

The growth of a human being...

My Father, My Fellow Human...

Dad doesn't read my blog. I'm not sure the in's and out's why--it could be that their computer rivals the Tandy 64K color computer in age and memory capacity. It could be that he really just doesn't get into the whole "web surfing" thing these young kids today are doing. For all I know, he may view most of the web as a tool of Satan with pockets of righteousness far and few between...! I've never really asked because I don't feel like my friends or family have to read my blog to continue being counted among my friends or family--I *like* it that some of them do, don't get me wrong! But it certainly isn't a deciding factor in whom I love or like more or less (otherwise the husband would have been long gone as well!)

I could call Dad a shit-kicking, dumb-ass, ignorant son-of-a-bitch if I felt the urge (and who hasn't at some point in their lives thought this of their father?) and the only reason he would be the wiser is because my mother or my sister would tell him. (Tattle tales...)

However, I won't do that for two reasons:

1. He's my father, and I love and respect him too much to say things like that about him behind his back, and
2. It isn't true anyway...

Add in for good measure that I usually respect his opinions on things with nary a horrible thing to say, and we have a pretty good relationship--a fantastic relationship, truth be told, especially considering the relationship he has with his father...

Be that as it may, however, he is one stubborn, ass-backward thinking individual at times, and arrogant to boot! (Hey, I had to inherit these traits from somewhere, right? The stubborn and arrogant parts, at least...)

But see, here's the thing: He has somehow managed to convince himself that I actually do believe in god, with Jesus as my savior and sidekick (with guest appearances by Casper), that I subconsciously know he is right and am too stubborn to admit it for some reason, that science will somehow magically "prove" his interpretation of scripture is correct (not too mention the young earth it "teaches us" about), and that OT god was of course morally right and good for allowing the Israelite's to kill men, women, and children to live on a piece of land that he "promised them" as his children...

And that was just our conversation over dessert when the parents were over for dinner last weekend... There is a lot more that was discussed over dinner...

I wasn't even sure where to begin...

My father is a smart man--a really smart man, if I'm allowed to boast a tad here. He can design a building with nothing but a pencil and a sheet of paper, to scale, with all the electrical, plumbing, and architecture sound and stable. He can get a notion into his head about adding three feet onto the living room of his house, and do it from beginning to end without a lick of outside help. He can look at any problem, anywhere, at any time, and come up with a solution that works wonders on the problem, and foresees and forestalls future problems that weren't even problems yet. He has more talent in his pinkie finger than I could ever hope to possess in my lifetime...

But I can't help but wonder how he checks that brain out the door when the topic of religion or god or Jesus (with guest appearances by Casper) come up... I don't know if it's the very idea that they may not exist which makes him run screaming, or if it's just that he's been so deeply brainwashed by his father of a Baptist minister, or even if it's something else entirely...

I'm okay with the fact that he believes in a young earth, believe it or not. I'll argue with him the facts and theories of the matter til the cows come home on it, if for no other reason than I maintain hope that a seed of logic and rationality will plant itself and he may actually look into the pseudo-science he's been peddled all these years. But it really makes no difference here or there if he believes the earth is young or old--it really doesn't.

I could even care less when he or Mom tell me they're praying for me, or that they felt god helped them make a decision, or that they felt better about this or that after some deep thought and prayer about a situation--it floats their boat, it keeps them sane, whatever...

And far be it from me to tell people what crutches they can or cannot lean on when times are tough.

HOWEVER...

And I'm not sure why he thinks this was okay. I'm not even sure if he even realizes how just not okay this was...

And I've promised myself I'm going to call him to talk about this just as soon as it stops making me angry just thinking about it...

You see, he told me what I believe. Not what he thinks I should believe. Not what he wishes I would believe. He said, "You know I am right, and you know there's a god."

Excuse me?

I think I actually said, "Huh?" The "excuse me" may have been implied. I know my head was shaking, but then again, we both shake our heads at one another when we are busy disagreeing vehemently on all things of a supernatural nature. It's kind of how we Hughes's role. When we disagree, we shake our heads and try to make sure that the frowns on our face, with matching furrowed brows, conveys the deep amount of disagreement we are currently feeling.

How we Zartman's role, however, is a different matter entirely. (Kudos and props to my mom's side...) We speak up, say what we mean, mean what we say, exercise our right to free speech, and don't give a great big goddamn who agrees or disagrees.

So while my Hughes half is busy shaking it's head, furrowing it's brow, and frowning most vehemently, my Zartman half is going, "How can you even think that?! Do you not hear the words coming out of my mouth?!"

We all say stupid things. A lot of stupid things. I realize my parents are also prone to saying stupid things. A lot of stupid things. They are not perfect, they are people. Just as I am not perfect, and also say stupid things, mostly because I am a product of them, but partly because I am human. (Hughes arrogance notwithstanding...)

But he sat there on my deck and told me what I believe.

I'm not sure if he gets just how "not okay" that is. I may be wrong (see above about saying stupid things), but I'm pretty damn sure I don't run around telling people what they actually believe "deep down." I share what my beliefs are. I share my opinion on what your beliefs are. Hell, I've called their beliefs stupid (an opinion I still hold to be true) in what I feel are tactfully blunt ways, meant in love and with what I feel is a proper amount of respect. (Again, though, I could be wrong, but I doubt they would continue to talk to me, offspring-status notwithstanding, if I were that rude, outrageous, or disrespectful...) But I'm also pretty sure I would never feel the urge to say "This is what you believe, you just don't want to admit it."

Never mind that that's supposed to be god's job (knowing what people are thinking and feeling), never mind that "psychic" has never been a family trait. If fact, let's even disregard the fact that maybe he hopes and truly believes that I do believe--is it really okay to make such assumptions about another person's life and values? It isn't like I decided to be an atheist while on the crapper last Tuesday, just because it seemed like atheists would have softer, more gentle toilet paper, and better reading material while shitting on the third rock from the sun!

In fact, this is the second time my father has trivialized decisions I've made in my life, the first time being when he found out I was gay, and decided, upon our first conversation since my coming out, to ask me if I was "still being stupid." (Because this decision, too, was obviously decided one random Wednesday morning on the crapper, when I decided that homosexuals were afforded more comfortable toilet seats beside windows with better views...)

Perhaps I'm not understanding something. Maybe I'm being too sensitive when it comes to Dad's words... Perhaps I do still seek his approval on levels I don't even realize, therefore when he makes such grand judgments, they hurt more than they should, or carry more weight to me than they actually do from his perspective?

All I know is I'm pissed, and until I can calm down, I can't talk to him about it, otherwise I, too, my end up saying something stupid to the father I love... Hell, maybe I'll pull a classic Hughes maneuver and just never bring it up again--who knows? (We Hughes men rock at not talking when we get in the mood...)

I just... Sigh... I just don't get my father sometimes...

The 11th Commandment: "Thou Shalt be Ignorant."

Over on Leitmotif, Ergo was having a discussion about Human Perfection, and how, while it is possible for man to obtain such a state insomuch as we understand it to be so from a certain perspective, others who come at life from the view of "man as fallen" or "man is wrong" conceive of standards of probability and impossibility. His take is quite nicely put, but I wish to follow the lines of argument on a more practical plane, as I tend to think in terms of practicality, or obvious and immediate application as such.

---

---

The reason I bring it up is because, in reading his post, my mind reacted to certain "tangents," shall we say, and thought I'd expound upon some of the thoughts and ideas this caused to happen in my mind.

1. Man Was Created Perfect in God's Image:
No, no, no, not that I believe this, but it is one of the "standards" to which a Christian (mostly literal, fundamentalist ones) is led down the road to the "fall" of man, or the insertion of the "sin" nature that prevents man from ever re-attaining his so-called perfect status within the realm that they believe their god intended. In a nutshell, god created man in his image (woman as an after-thought from a supposed spare rib [which in turn begs how a creature created perfectly could still be so when missing a rib]) and thus, in all ways possible in the realm of earth and its reality, man was, indeed, perfect. But, this perfection, as it were, left much to be desired, as anyone can tell from a simple, short reading of the Genesis account. So let's start with a definition of perfect,shall we?

---

Perfection: 1 : the quality or state of being perfect : as a : freedom from fault or defect : FLAWLESSNESS

---

Free from fault or defect. I think anyone would allow for that as a perfectly reasonable working definition, wouldn't you? But, then, if god created such a perfect man in his image, how was man able to be duped by so silly and naive a trick as the snake going, "Hmm-hmm, doesn't that fruit look yummy?" Now one could argue that, as Eve was made from only a rib, and Adam had the audacity to be created from scratch, she didn't have much of a shot, did she? Or perhaps, one could argue that being "perfect" apparently didn't include a working knowledge of good and evil, therefore she didn't know it would be wrong to disobey god and eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil (but then the whole "fall" story falls apart, as it were, for without knowing good and evil, how could she actually commit "evil" by eating from the tree?) Then there is the argument, the most logical one, as it were, that the story is just that--a story. Any critical look, using the working facilities of our supposedly god-given brains (which begs why more people don't use them) leads one to make supercilious leaps of logic and a suspension of disbelief that even B-rated horror movies can't attain.

Then there is the question of body parts alone, never mind the working facilities of brains that Adam and Eve couldn't employ even in a state of perfection. If their bodies were designed perfectly, in the image of sky god (although bodily structure is generally not considered to be in god's image--wonder why? Does the thought of god having a penis or a vagina really bother people that much?), how is it there are so many genetic defects, flaws, diseases, and such? If the body were truly "designed" and made "perfect," as a literal reading leads one to believe, no matter how disingenuously, how could the body then leave that perfect state simply from a working knowledge of the good and evil that was supposedly contained in a piece of fruit? Logically, if something is perfect, it cannot be imperfect, or even fall from that perfection, or it wasn't truly perfect from the get-go! We would also need to overlook the fact that if a perfect being created us as perfect beings who could not remain perfect, the being that created us (i.e., god) is also not perfect--after all perfection can not create anything imperfect.

Further, if one is to buy into the whole "perfect bodies" fallacy, where in the hell did the appendix come from? It has no function whatsoever!! (and if it does, someone needs to get mine back from the doctor who removed it when I was in ninth grade!!) One needs--again--to suspend disbelief in order to come up with plausible reasons as to why god, in his perfect design, would include a useless organ? (Never mind the extra rib that was used to fashion Eve!) Along those lines, one could supposedly argue the appendix was only used for eating "perfect" fruit (i.e., fruit not containing a knowledge of good and evil, or knowledge of snake anatomy, for that matter); or perhaps argue that we "micro-evolutionized" it away, which, in all actuality, a perfect body would have no need to micro-evolutionize anything away from anywhere--supposedly it's already perfect! (not to mention that, if the body evolutionized away from having an organ in a perfect body, wouldn't the body then be even closer to perfection as it figured out it didn't need said organ, thus negating the entire original premise of having a perfect body from the get-go?)

Then there are the countless mutations, birth defects, abnormalities--I suggest anyone who would like a firsthand glimpse, or better yet, an awe-inspiring account of the actual numbers that still carry on to this day of Cyclops's, webbed feet and fingers, double-headed persons, multi-eye faceted, hair covering, extra-limb carrying, tailed human births--live births!--that happen every day in our world pick up a copy of Mutants by Armand Marie Leroi. Subtitled "On Genetic Variety and the Human Body," it's a fascinating read! You've no idea! (And it's has pictures and illustrations!!) Point being, though, a perfect body wouldn't break down, wouldn't devolve into the hunks of junk we currently pull around against gravity, and there certainly wouldn't be over 100,000 miscarriages every year in the United States alone! God could have done a lot better with this "perfect state" he supposedly created us in, wouldn't you say?

Regardless, the "created in perfection" isn't a plausible working model, no matter which way you slice the pie. As to whether Ergo's greater point in his post, that perfection is attainable by man, I don't know if I follow it correctly or not. I may not be the brightest bulb (in fact, I know I'm not!), but I think even if you do buy into the whole "man is in sin" argument, it allows for a great read, so I suggest you check it out (and not because he links back to me in it! :D)

---

---

2. The Only Way for Man to Reach Perfection Again is Through Jesus.
Now, never minding the fact that we are now being asked to appeal to the very god that made us flawed (in that, what he gave us neither retained its supposed perfection, and even in our state of perfection, we simply needed to be asked and were indeed looking for something more than what had been provided), in the hopes that, if this radical cult leader form the zero-st century is correct and to be believed, he was again perfect, and died perfectly flawless, so that we can all join in happy bliss and ignorance with this creator for eternity (and I know some of you are cringing, as this would be your definition of hell! :D) A friend brought up a great point earlier in his comments on one of my older posts, and I agree with him whole-heartedly, that without a working knowledge of what evil, or bad, is, one cannot even begin to know what good is, and vice-versa! It is impossible for one to assess, for instance, the "goodness" or "badness" of a toaster, until such a day comes as a toaster stops working on you; but even then, you don't swear off toasters! You simply label that particular toaster as bad, and go out to buy a good toaster. Perhaps you may go so far as to label the brand of toaster as "bad," or, less than ideal, but toasters in and of themselves remain "good," not only because you have now experienced a "bad" toaster, but because having toast is, in your world, "good."

When it comes to fluid morality (and the other half of you that couldn't understand why we would think of heaven as hell are now up in arms over the very concept!), good is only as good, and bad is only as bad, as it affects us directly. True, one can hold to "murder" as bad without having been murdered, or having been a murderer--but murder has to have occurred within your realm of existence to be labeled so, otherwise you wouldn't even know what murder was, and without knowing what it was, it couldn't be bad. Morality is dependent upon human perception. It goes back to that wise old Chinese saying, "If a tree falls in a forest, but no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Well, one wouldn't know unless one were there. And though one could reasonably argue about sound waves and vibrations and such that there theoretically was a sound, the sound itself is dependent upon your ear bones being there to catch the vibration, thus enabling there to actually be a sound! Without those bones in your ear, there isn't a sound, as nothing was contacted, or vibrated, as a result of the falling tree. As such, it goes back to "right" and "wrong." "Right" can only be "right" or "good" insomuch as there is a comparative "bad" or "not so good" in comparison.

Concluding, therefore, one could reasonably argue that naivete, or a non-working knowledge of right and wrong, could allow for a "state" of perfection; however, it is a mislabelling to use the word "perfection" in describing this state of non-morality. The opposite wouldn't be amorality, or bad, as this would imply a working sense of moral and good--this state would actually be ignorance. And in being naive or ignorant for eternity with a sky god that couldn't even keep your "perfect" bodies from breaking down and mutating, you have not attained perfection, you have obtained ignorance. Heaven could not possibly be a "happy" or "blissful" place unless one were well aware of the "hell" or "suffering" place with which to compare your existence as such. You can't know the beauty of a rose unless you've seen a rose and you've also seen a dead flower. You could know it is a rose if someone tells you, but unless you have something "ugly" or "plain" to compare it against, you don't know that you find it beautiful (and, even then, perhaps you don't find it as such, but instead see it as pretentious and gaudy, in which case you will still need a daisy or a buttercup to have a reference point).

Are you catching my meaning here? For a man to claim to be the way to heaven, you in actuality wouldn't be attaining heaven, insomuch as heaven is to be understood from a Christian perspective. You'd simply be attaining ignorance. And, I dare say, ignorance is to be found aplenty here on earth, and we are not in need of a place which would allow one to not have use of his faculties. For you'd only end up in nonexistence--which is where we're all going to end up anyway...

Cheers!

Hmm... Toasted!

It boggles my brain...

Okay, maybe "boggles" is too strong a word. After all, to truly "boggle" the mind, one either needs to be unable to wrap one's mind around it, or, in fact, own a boggle. (Oops! My bad--those were Popples! Tomato, to-mah-to...)

So there's this woman who is dying. Her husband refuses to let her get a blood transfusion. Why? you may ask? Good question!

He's a Jehovah's witness! Or, was a Jehovah's witness. And she never went. But he's pretty damn sure she believed what he believed, even if he no longer believes in the whole enchilada--just the parts of the enchilada that would save his wife's life! From the article:

---

“I love Candy. I told them to do absolutely anything to save her life except give her blood or blood products,” Bruce Huff said.

Bruce Huff was baptized as a Jehovah’s Witness several decades ago, and although he only sometimes attends church now for health reasons and does not consider himself a member, he still shares the beliefs of the church. According to the official website of the church, www.watchtower.org, the belief is based on their interpretation of the Bible, especially Acts 15, which reads to “keep abstaining from things sacrificed to idols and from blood” and Leviticus 17 which reads to “not partake of the blood of any flesh.”

[...]

Candy Huff never considered herself a Jehovah’s Witness but shared his beliefs, Bruce Huff said. He said they had talked many times about the blood issue and thinks she would not have wanted transfusions.

“I know my wife better than anybody. She always wanted to do what is right,” he said.

---

Why...

Wait... Blood pressure...

Okay. (In through nose, out through mouth, in through nose, out through mouth...) If Bruce hadn't claimed "religious reasons," say, his excuse was "Just because"; or "My toaster would want it that way"; or "God told me so in my hair dryer this morning." You would all (hopefully) simply think "Nutcase!" and do what the hospital did--file a petition to have someone else make her medical decisions. (The hospital won, by the way. Candy is expected to live only because her aunt isn't a blooming idiot...)

But because he has "religious reasons," we are expected to grant his wishes? Hospitals shouldn't give the care needed?

---

As a complete and off-topic aside, I also don't understand why vegetarian substitute meat products are shaped like meat and advertise that they taste almost like meat. If you are against eating a piece of chicken, why would you want a tofu stick shaped like a drumstick???

---

Dear American Religious Peron(s),

Citing "religious reasons" no longer cuts the mustard. I don't care if it has to do with blood transfusions, same-sex marriage, abortion, taxes, tithing, or where you "believe" my soul is going.

Obviously there are so many religions because no one can agree on what means what, who meant what, who wrote what, and on and on. Granted, our constitution of these United States grants you the permission--nay, the right--to believe that fairies knock over your trash cans at night while unicorns shit rainbows after rain storms. Be that as it may, simply stating "It's what I believe God says" or "I believe that's what Jesus would want" simply means you have given up custody of your brain.

Next time you feel the urge to say "Because God says blah blah blah," add the phrase, "through my blow dryer this morning" or "was engraved on my toast this morning" after your sentence--or even before it, if that will help point out the idiocy of your argument all the sooner!

Let's have a practice round:

Original: I don't believe God would want same-sex marriages.
Updated: I don't believe God would want same-sex marriages because he told me so through my hair dryer this morning.

Do you see? Want another example?

Original: God has moved me to tell you that you are going to hell and that you weren't ever really saved.
Updated: Engraved on my toast this morning, God moved me to tell you that you are going to hell and that you weren't ever really saved.

I think you get the picture, right?

So the next time you feel the need to stake out a position on, say, universal health care for all the people of this nation, and why you think it's the wrong path for our nation, do us all a favor: Use your brain to come up with logical, reasonable arguments to support your cause. Not a book written two thousand years ago, and not because it's what your pastor said last Sunday.

You are a thinking human being. Or, at least, you're supposed to be. Please prove it.

Sincerely,
Jason

Near the Beginning...: #54: Rewrites...

---

Near the Beginning: Rewrites...

---

Click here for more of Near the Beginning, or use the short cuts to the individual comics over in the right-hand column.

Show your love of Near the Beginning on Facebook by "Liking" our Fan page here.

Clicking on the comic will open it up in a larger window.

Near the Beginning...: #53: Knowledgy...

---

Near the Beginning: Knowledgy...

---

Click here for more of Near the Beginning, or use the short cuts to the individual comics over in the right-hand column.

Show your love of Near the Beginning on Facebook by "Liking" our Fan page here.

Clicking on the comic will open it up in a larger window.

Near the Beginning...: #52: Action!

---

Near the Beginning: Action!

---

Click here for more of Near the Beginning, or use the short cuts to the individual comics over in the right-hand column.

Show your love of Near the Beginning on Facebook by "Liking" our Fan page here.

Clicking on the comic will open it up in a larger window.

Near the Beginning...: #51: Adam Idol...

---

Near the Beginning: Adam Idol...

---

Click here for more of Near the Beginning, or use the short cuts to the individual comics over in the right-hand column.

Show your love of Near the Beginning on Facebook by "Liking" our Fan page here.

Clicking on the comic will open it up in a larger window.

See Ya Later, Alligator...

This isn't what I planned on blogging about, but I spewed it out nonetheless, mostly because when I was doing some surfing on the subject I did want to blog about (Possibility versus Probability), I read other things that made me think fear is the ultimate motivator for irrational belief.

I have always been fascinated, actually, by people's enjoyment of being scared. From the haunted hayrides, the corn mazes, the creepy houses, the horror flicks, the screaming and the blood--it boggles me more than fundidiots!

I personally have never liked being scared--indeed, even mild suspense can sometimes get to me, although I will state that I love a good suspense flick much better than a horror flick. My brothers would actually make fun of me when, if they happened to be watching a horror movie or show on the television, I would vacate the living room as soon as I thought something even remotely horrifying was about to make an appearance. Whether suddenly having to go to the bathroom, or making up some other such excuse, I would take that time to play the "for-once-not-being-played" Nintendo, or have the bedroom for silent reading. (We three boys shared a bedroom until I was seventeen, at which point I demanded my father build a wall in the basement at a key point in which I could finally secure my own room...)

I sometimes wonder if this is how I try exert control over my environment? Or is this me being a slave to my fears? I don't fear fear--in fact, there isn't much I do fear! I just don't like that feeling of unknowing, of the surprise that's coming, and ultimately, of the nightmarish stories my subconscious imagines in the dead of the night! I remember I once made it through (what I now realize is the cheesiest flick ever made) a whole screening of the movie Alligator, and for years afterward, I had a nightmare in which a giant alligator was coming down Toll Gate Road, trying to gobble up my family... And while I can appreciate the cheesiness of it all now, back then I was terrified at the idea of loose alligators. Go figure, eh?

I must then ask myself, why doesn't the fear of eternal damnation hang over me, or even my subconscious, to the point where I must err on the side of "caution" and "believe" just to save myself the fear of hell fire? Is it that, as an adult, I can appreciate the "cheesiness" of fire insurance for a consciousness that won't survive past my heart beat? Or, on the flip side, is it my survival instincts of self-preservation that keeps me from even contemplating the notion, much as I wouldn't contemplate watching a horror movie?

I think it must be the first, as the second, the "contemplation," has been discussed both here and on other blogs, about the ludicrousness of such a netherworld created by a being to punish beings he created and doesn't want to punish... The circular, anti-rational logic of it all, is more reminiscent of a fire insurance policy, nay, perhaps even a panic button people can hit at will in an effort to absolve themselves of misdeeds and "less than nice" thoughts or actions!

In the ultimate of ironies (much like having a spoon when all you need if a knife), one must remember two key tenants: One, that you need Jesus blood to "wash away," or "cleanse" your sins, even though through some sort of loophole, you still end up paying the price of sin (i.e, death), but end up with life "eternally" in the presence of the one who died for you; and Two, even though you have been "washed" or "cleansed" of these sins, you will still commit acts of "wrongness" or "misdeeds," and thus continually need to regret and repent of these misdeeds (although it must be pointed out, in most Christian circles, misdeeds do not end your salvation, just a close relationship with said god).

And you have to wonder (or, at least, I have to wonder) why wouldn't "salvation" erase the sin nature, thus leaving you sinless the remainder of your life? OR, barring some sort of teleological law about such a scenario (although a study of the holy book will reveal no such block to sinless nature through salvation), why not then BAM! automatic everlasting life? Why the need to still die if Jesus truly paid the price for all our sins?

As you can see, it reduces into an acrimonious harmony of illogical thought and circular rationale...

Fear, at its core, must be substantive, if it is to remain effective as a motivator (much like "justice" and "mercy" must have finite, measurable punishments for finite, measurable deeds, but that's for another time...). Fear is defined by Websters as "1 a: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger." In other words, you need a reason to be afraid, to have fear... Otherwise, your fear is considered irrational, and thus, is categorized as a "phobia." Phobia, from Websters, is "an exaggerated usually inexplicable and illogical fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation."

Hell, or even the once-removed cousin through marriage thought of eternal punishment, is a christological phobia. An irrational fear. Inexplicable, illogical, and brought on by an exaggerated fable of yesteryears beliefs. The reason hell has lost much of its umph in driving hoards to a "saving knowledge of Jesus" isn't due to a sudden gambling urge against Pascal's Wager, but by a continuing body of knowledge which points in the direction of logic, not pointy-tailed red-horned devils on one shoulder and beatific angels on the other...

And while my primal subconscious may still be dealing with the supposedly very real threat of being eaten by alligators (or its related off-shoots), I can rest easy in the knowledge that

1. Alligators are real.
2. Alligators have eaten people.
3. Alligators do not live in northeastern Pennsylvania.

Thus, there is a basis for the fear, and my conscious realizes this. The rational, logical portion of my brain recognizes the facts, and makes a decision which supersedes the more primal nature of "fight/flight," and as long as I don't feed this "fear" with heresy, false logic, and panicky hypotheticals, I sleep easy and don't plan my entire life, indeed my every thought and whim, on the basis of fear.

And, this I believe is most fundamental, fear, while maybe not widely recognized as such, is the sole motivator of continued religious belief, and it flourishes best in the minds of people who entertain false logic and hypotheticals...

Perhaps, as humanity continues to advance sociologically and psychologically, more people will confront the irrationality of god and his supposed eternal promises (not to mention punishments)?

It almost stretches one's faith in humanity to think so...

A History Lesson About the Winter Holidays, with a Dash of Common Sense and Lick of Sarcasm...

In case any of you have been missing the fun, there's a new fundie who, I have to give him credit for actually putting his name on his comments, decided it would be fun to try to mock me (they say it is the highest form of flattery...), but, as everyone should be warned, generics and knock-offs are certainly not the same. (I think any of you who have tried store-brand spaghetti sauce know what I mean.) Plus, being as there are two brandons (who'd of thunk it?), this one is not to the one whom I dedicated my garbage post too, but the one who thinks he's witty (but not gay...)

---

To My Fundie Fan, brandon: Let's deal with the first comment you left, shall we? You decided to try your hand at dialogue (and, while not bad for a beginning to our lovely site) you failed on a few key points: You said:

Fundie: So, you hate God?
Gay Jay: No, I don't believe God is real. I just hate fundies because they are hypocrites.

Didn't your mother ever tell you to say "not like" instead of hate? It really send the wrong tone. You were right on your first point though, a bravo to you for the key distinction: I can't hate something that isn't real, but I can hate the hypocrisy of the "moral majority." Kudos!

You followed up with:

Fundie: Do you buy Christmas presents for your family and do you receive presents for Christmas from your family?
Gay Jay: Yes, I love to buy Christmas presents and I loved that new scarf Aunt Bea got me last year.

Kudos again! You realize that, though one can hate the actions of others (isn't that one of your big mottos? Hate the sin, love the sinner? I know, it is a cop-out, but then again, I'm not the one preaching you really have to love everyone, am I?) Oh, and Aunt Bea? I think your confusing Ms. Bea Dickson with one of my relatives... she's not. My Aunt Bea is dead. And it hurts. A lot. Thanks for that. I don't think I can go on... But then again, I think I can.

But then you said (and, just for reference, this is where you got off track a little--okay, perhaps a lot!)

Fundie: But wait! If you don't believe in God, then you don't believe in His son, Jesus, so then that makes you the hypocrite for celebrating Christmas. If you don't believe in God, then there is nothing for you to celebrate at Christmas time. Giving or receiving Christmas gifts at Christmas makes the atheist an atheistic hypocrite.

My, so much hogwash in so short an amount of text--you make Jerry Falwell proud! (and that's no easy feat!) So because I like to get together with my family and show my love for them by buying them presents (or making them on the leaner years) and sharing food, love and laughter makes me a hypocrite? Newsflash, Brandie: Christmas has never been about Christ. It's always been about showing love for your fellow man, an idea much older and much more noble than sky god's raping of a poor village girl and shaming her before all his "chosen people."

In fact, celebration of the winter solstice goes back thousands of years--a time when people were observing the metaphorical death of the earth, the getting together to share supplies, each other's company, and make sure everyone would be okay for the coming winter months. It was a time to reflect upon the years work--harvest, hunting, what-have-you--and make sure everyone in your family or village was going to be okay. The buying of gifts is the natural evolution of that sharing of needs to wants as people and technology made life easier.

In fact, did you know before a man named Jesus ever walked the earth:

• Early Europeans celebrated light and birth in the darkest days of winter. Many people rejoiced during the winter solstice when the worst of the winter was behind them and they could look forward to the start of longer days and extended hours of sunlight.
• In Scandinavia the Norse celebrated Yule from December 21, the start of the winter solstice, through January. In recognition of the return of the sun, fathers and sons would bring home large logs which they would set on fire. The people would feast until the log burned out, and that could take as many as twelve days. The Norse believed that each spark from the fire represented a new pig or calf that would be born during the coming year.
• The end of December was a perfect time for celebration in most areas of Europe. At that time of year, most cattle were slaughtered so that they did not have to be fed during the winter. For many, it was the only time of year when they had a supply of fresh meat. In addition, most wine and beer that had been made during the year was finally fermented and ready for drinking.
• In Germany people honored the pagan god Oden during the mid-winter holiday. Germans were terrified of him for it was well-known that his nocturnal flights through the sky would help him decide which of his people would prosper or perish. Because of his presence, many people chose to say inside.
• Brazilian archeologists have found an assembly of 127 granite blocks arranged equidistant from each other. They apparently form an ancient astronomical observatory. One of the stones marked the position of the sun at the time of the winter solstice and were probably used in religious rituals.
• Ancient Egypt: The god-man/savior Osiris died and was entombed on DEC-21. "At midnight, the priests emerged from an inner shrine crying 'The Virgin has brought forth! The light is waxing" and showing the image of a baby to the worshipers."
• Greece: The winter solstice ritual was called Lenaea, the Festival of the Wild Women. In very ancient times, a man representing the harvest god Dionysos was torn to pieces and eaten by a gang of women on this day. Later in the ritual, Dionysos would be reborn as a baby. By classical times, the human sacrifice had been replaced by the killing of a goat. The women's role had changed to that of funeral mourners and observers of the birth.
• Roman times: Saturnalia began as a feast day for Saturn on DEC-17 and of Ops (DEC-19). About 50 BCE, both were later converted into two day celebrations. During the Empire, the festivals were combined to cover a full week: DEC-17 to 23.
• Budhists: On DEC-8, or on the Sunday immediately preceding, Buddhists celebrate Bodhi Day (a.k.a. Rohatsu). It recalls the day in 596 BCE, when the Buddha achieved enlightenment. He had left his family and possessions behind at the age of 29, and sought the meaning of life--particularly the reasons for its hardships. He studied under many spiritual teachers without success. Finally, he sat under a pipal tree and vowed that he would stay there until he found what he was seeking. On the morning of the eighth day, he realized that everyone suffers due to ignorance. But ignorance can be overcome through the Eightfold Path that he advocated. This day is generally regarded as the birth day of Buddhism. Being an Eastern tradition, Bodhi Day has none of the associations with the solstice and seasonal changes found in other religious observances at this time of year. However, it does signify the point in time when the Buddha achieved enlightenment and escaped the endless cycle of birth, death and rebirth through reincarnation--themes that are observed in other religions in December.
• Druids and Druidesses formed the professional class in ancient Celtic society. They performed the functions of modern day priests, teachers, ambassadors, astronomers, genealogists, philosophers, musicians, theologians, scientists, poets and judges. Druids led all public rituals, which were normally held within fenced groves of sacred trees. The solstice is the time of the death of the old sun and the birth of the dark-half of the year. It was called "Alban Arthuan by the ancient Druids. It is the end of month of the Elder Tree and the start of the month of the Birch. The three days before Yule is a magical time. This is the time of the Serpent Days or transformation...The Elder and Birch stand at the entrance to Annwn or Celtic underworld where all life was formed. Like several other myths they guard the entrance to the underworld. This is the time the Sun God journey's thru the underworld to learn the secrets of death and life. And bring out those souls to be reincarnated." A modern-day Druid, Amergin Aryson, has composed a Druidic ritual for the Winter Solstice.
• Inca's: The ancient Incas celebrated a festival if Inti Raymi at the time of the Winter Solstice. It celebrates "the Festival of the Sun where the god of the Sun, Wiracocha, is honored." Ceremonies were banned by the Roman Catholic conquistadores in the 16th century as part of their forced conversions of the Inca people to Christianity. A local group of Quecia Indians in Cusco, Peru revived the festival about 1950. It is now a major festival which begins in Cusco and proceeds to an ancient amphitheater a few miles away.
• Persia: Shabe-Yalda (a.k.a. Shab-e Yaldaa) is celebrated in Iran by followers of many religions. It originated in Zoroastrianism, the state religion which preceded Islam. The name refers to the birthday or rebirth of the sun. People gather at home around a korsee--a low square table--all night. They tell stories and read poetry. They eat watermelons, pomegranates and a special dried fruit/nut mix. Bonfires are lit outside.
• Judaism: Jews celebrate an 8 day festival of Hanukkah, (a.k.a. Feast of Lights, Festival of lights, Feast of Dedication, Chanukah, Chanukkah, Hanukah). It recalls the war fought by the Maccabees in the cause of religious freedom. Antiochus, the king of Syria, conquered Judea in the 2nd century BCE. He terminated worship in the Temple and stole the sacred lamp, the menorah, from before the altar. At the time of the solstice, they rededicated the Temple to a Pagan deity. Judah the Maccabee lead a band of rebels, and succeeding in retaking Jerusalem. They restored the temple and lit the menorah. It was exactly three years after the flame had been extinguished--at the time of the Pagan rite.
• Some Native American beliefs:
  1. The Pueblo tribe observe both the summer and winter solstices. Although the specific details of the rituals differ from pueblo to pueblo, "the rites are built around the sun, the coming new year and the rebirth of vegetation in the spring....Winter solstice rites include...prayerstick making, retreats, altars, emesis and prayers for increase."
  2. The Hopi tribe "is dedicated to giving aid and direction to the sun which is ready to 'return' and give strength to budding life." Their ceremony is called "Soyal." It lasts for 20 days and includes "prayerstick making, purification, rituals and a concluding rabbit hunt, feast and blessing..."
  3. There are countless stone structures created by Natives in the past to detect the solstices and equinoxes. One was called Calendar One by its modern-day finder. It is in a natural amphitheatre of about 20 acres in size in Vermont. From a stone enclosure in the center of the bowl, one can see a number of vertical rocks and natural features in the horizon which formed the edge of the bowl. At the solstices and equinoxes, the sun rises and sets at notches or peaks in the ridge which surrounded the calendar.

DISCLAIMER: I closed the windows before I had a chance to link my sources, but if you think I may have gotten this info from your site, feel free to let me know and I'll link you!! But mostly I used Wikipedia, Encyclopedia Brittanica Online, and a few other free-lance sources from seemingly reputable individuals for the information above.

But who cares about all of that coincidence, eh? Your fabled god-child was born--who cares what everyone else celebrates, right? I mean, perish the thought that, not only has celebrating this time of year been in humanities blood eons before the desert-wandering Hebrews even thought up a monotheistic god who possibly might care for them, but even if you are celebrating what you believe to have happened so long ago in a manger, who cares? You celebrate this time of year, I celebrate this time of year, in fact thousands celebrate this time of year for vastly differing reasons! And even though it is good PR for all you fundies to come up with clever rhymes like "Jesus is the reason for the season," everyone has their own personal reasons for celebrating--even Christians!

Now, even though this is getting kind of long, since you may be learning something, I'll next touch on some things you said in your next comment.

You said: [...] but I felt it necessary to show the other side-the right side to his blasphemous remarks. You sound a little like John Edwards, you know that? The Other Side. Ooohhhhh, creepy! You didn't show anything but ignorance as to the history of humanity on earth, deciding instead it was all about your sky god and not the other souls who live upon the earth. And, sad to say, it wasn't even a good try, just--kind of sad...

You said: What about that teenage boy who is confused about his sexuality and stumbles upon this blog through a link from some other 'gay type' blog. He'll probably think, "Wow! You mean I can be a functioning normal adult? I don't have to listen to all that crap that's says there's something wrong with me? That there are others like me?" It'll offer some hope, some humor, some truth, all with a dash of sarcasm and satire. And perhaps even, a healthy sense of self that most gay teens don't get when they're growing up. But if you'd rather he think that he's an awful, "wrong" person in need of an imaginary friend, who should feel dirty and rotten about who and what he is, then by all means--keep talking.

You said: the truth of the matter is that he may be influencing someone away from God with the things he writes. Aw, how sweet of you to offer me hope. Not that I need it. But it's nice to know I'm thought of. :D

You said: I pray that you see the day when your son denounces homosexuality AND comes to Christ (I truly will pray for that). I'm thinking asking you to hold your breath for that won't make it happen, will it? Sigh. Well, if it gives you a purpose in life, who am I to take that away? Good luck--I mean that.

You said: I feel that sometimes the best way to show someone how they sound is to imitate them. Flattery will get you nowhere. I'm a happily married man.

You said: but I get riled when someone rips my Savior. You know what your book says: "Be angry and do not sin." Do you feel you may have committed a sin? (I personally don't think you did, but then again, I'm not living with a guilt-ridden soul that make some cling to imaginary beings either.)

And finally, I saved this for last even though you said it much earlier in your comment: You said: yet you continue to justify his actions. Fundie say what? Do you even read what mom posts? Have you heard our (HOURS!) long conversations? She has never "justified" anything about my lifestyle of choice, just as I have never condoned her lifestyle of choice (or yours, for that matter!) I'm guessing you are of the whole "tough love" school of though, eh? There's a bunch of crock that needs to be placed on the backburner and forgotten about, let me tell you! But be that as it may, while mom and I share a close friendship and great relationship, there are some things about ourselves we know we disagree on, we know we'll never see eye-to-eye on, and yet--somehow we manage to make it work out of respect. Now, she knows this is my blog--where I share my thoughts about what I read, see, hear, or generally wonder about. When I'm in her home, I expect to hear, see, or listen to things she believes strongly about, and you know what? I do. And we still make our proverbial red state-blue state friendship work. Go figure, huh? The Christian and the Atheist, something that tears most families apart since fundies seem to have a hard time with that thing called respect--it's what makes them try to legislate morality, demand to hear "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays." RESPECT.

Oh, and a little blasphemy never hurt anyone--except when the Church sentenced them to death. I wonder why god can't kill blasphemer's on his own? Hmm...

Near the Beginning...: #50: Dickering Deities...

---

Near the Beginning: Dickering Deities...

---

Click here for more of Near the Beginning, or use the short cuts to the individual comics over in the right-hand column.

Show your love of Near the Beginning on Facebook by "Liking" our Fan page here.

Clicking on the comic will open it up in a larger window.

There's Noah Counting for Taste...

You see, the fable goes something like this:

---

Gen 6:13-22 And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.
Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. And this [is the fashion] which thou shalt make it [of]: The length of the ark [shall be] three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; [with] lower, second, and third [stories] shalt thou make it. And, behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein [is] the breath of life, from under heaven; [and] every thing that [is] in the earth shall die.
But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons' wives with thee. And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every [sort] shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep [them] alive with thee; they shall be male and female. Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every [sort] shall come unto thee, to keep [them] alive. And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and thou shalt gather [it] to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.
Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.

---

We'll just assume that the chapter 7 version of Genesis was God trying to improve genetic variation when he changed his mind and said to bring 7 of most kinds of animals, and then 2 of everything else... Cause you know YWHW, all about the gene pool!

---

Gen 7:2-3 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that [are] not clean by two, the male and his female. Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.

---

I imagine Noah went something like: "Wait, what? You just said 2 of every animal and fowl, now you want seven of some and 2 of others? What the hell, YWHW?!"

In case you haven't heard, more of us will be yelling "What the hell?" in the coming days. It seems that a bunch of Christians have decided that it is wiser to spend their money on building a full-scale, life-size biblical ark than it is to help the poor, the widows, the children... You know, your downtrodden souls in need at this time of year.

---

Noah may have taken 400 years to build the ark but investors of a new biblical theme park in northern Kentucky plan to replicate a full-scale model in under 36 months.

The completely wooden ark, which would measure 500 ft. across, 75 ft. wide and 45 ft. high, is slated to be unveiled in spring 2014 as one of the attractions of the proposed $150 million Ark Encounter theme park.

---

You get those sizes down? That's literal interpretation for you. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, an area smaller than a football field supposedly carried 2 to 7 of every creature on earth for much longer than 40 days and nights! Not to mention their food supplies and tools for keeping the place sanitary--as if sanitary were even a glimmer of a thought... Of course, keeping in mind that the lions, tigers, bears, wolves and boa constrictors would eat the sheep, goats, pigs, cats... Hmm...

But, wait! The idiocy continues!:

---

Answers in Genesis, known for the popular Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky., is partnering with Ark Encounter to raise the $24.5 million needed to build the life-size ark. People can participate by donating $100 for a peg, $1,000 for a plank, or $5,000 for a beam to construct the ark.

As of Thursday afternoon, the non-profit organization has raised about $114,000 – just one day since it launched the campaign for Noah's Ark.

---

In just ONE DAY they raised $114,000. (And that's not in Roman denarius...) Of course, I'm left wondering why a peg costs $100 when you can buy a dozen of them at Home Depot for only $2.99... But then again, perhaps they haven't been blessed or baptized or whatever the hell it is they do with wooden pegs these days... Of course, thinking that an ark less than half the size of a football field could hold the millions of animal species, from microscopic to Indricotherium, I can see why they'd have trouble with math...

And did we forget about the plants? Almost no vegetation would survive, let alone be actively growing, after 40 days and nights (and please note, 40 days and nights is how long it supposedly rained for--it doesn't say how long it took these waters to recede...)--even if Noah did somehow manage to keep the T-Rex from devouring those seven measly sheep, what the hell were the surviving sheep going to eat? Dead earth?

I hope they build it--I really do! Nothing better could convince anyone with at least one working brain synapse of the idiocy of believing in literal bible inerrancy than seeing this tiny boat filled with--at the very minimum--two to seven of every member of the "Family" of animals located within. (Note that I'm being generous here and allowing them to move up 2 whole scientific categories instead of trying to fit in every "Genus" or "Species" of animal... They still wouldn't all fit, FYI...) There are more issues with this "literal global flood" than there are with almost anything else located within the bibles' pages...

Of course, I realize with a belief in an omnipotent god, you can have seven hundred miracles happen to explain away this one miracle--or, "blind faith," I do believe any self-respecting fundamentalist would call it... There's a reason you guys believe in a literal ark and flood, because you lack critical reasoning skills, and nothing I say could convince you otherwise...

That being said, however, when you pack up the family and head to the life-size ark (and I do hope you realize, "ark" means BOX) in Kentucky, and you sit there and realize you could simply spit across the entire width of the ark... Remember, it's your dumb-ass belief...

For logical, well-thought out arguments which pretty much prove the story is bunk, here are a couple of websites to get your started:

• Problems with the Global Flood by TalkOrigins
• Noah's Ark by the Skeptics Dictionary

Near the Beginning...: #49: The Other Trinity...

---

Near the Beginning: The Other Trinity...

---

Click here for more of Near the Beginning, or use the short cuts to the individual comics over in the right-hand column.

Show your love of Near the Beginning on Facebook by "Liking" our Fan page here.

Clicking on the comic will open it up in a larger window.

In Jesus' Name...

I usually ignore things like this. "Forward this" and "forward that" type emails usually aren't even privy to being opened, let alone perused! And at first, that's what I did. Ignored it. It was one of those religious forwards meant to appeal to your sense of decency, your patriotism, and to your devout faith in god. I know a lot of my friends are very strong god believers, hence I expect to get these every now and again. Such is life, right?

The email in question is in it's entirety below, and ended with the usual:

---

If you agree with this, please pass it on.
If not delete it.

---

Of course, most people who know me know that the way to get me to share an opinion is to tell me not to share an opinion... I know, I know... This time I played right into the right-wing's evil plans by doing exactly that--I deleted it. Sigh. But then one of my other friends just had to hit "Reply All" with the following statement:

---

IN JESUS NAME.... AMEN! Thank you for sending this along. I usually ignore forwards, but I am glad this one washed upon my inbox. I pity the poor SOB that dictates to me to deny CHRIST :-D

---

Ugh. Okay, that's the part that not only got my goat, but sold it into slavery, beat it with a whip, forced it to eat brambles, and then sent it home with a belly ache on death's door. (My poor goat!) Never mind that the email had nothing to do with denying Christ, but was about praying before football games... Which, while I suppose one could read into no state-sponsored prayer before a game as a "denial" of Christ, the stretch is... Well, beyond reasonable.

First off: Andy Rooney, right-wing blabber mouth that he is, never said the words in this email even though they are ascribed to him. Or, if he did, he completely plagiarized them. (Note that this email makes the rounds also crediting these words to Paul Harvey--which is just as untrue...) Actually, most of these words were written by Nick Gholson... But that's another story...

Onto the meat of the matter, the email itself. You know how these things work: it's filled with pictures of our soldiers, a cross or three, a bible--you know, just in case words are not enough, pics are included to portray another thousand words or so.

---

Pray if you want to!

---

Oh, thank you for your permission! Never mind that everyone in this country can pray if they want to...

---

CBS and Katie Couric et al must be in a panic and rushing to reassure the White House that this is not network policy.

---

Yes, yes, that's what happens when Andy Rooney says something in his op-ed block on television--people "scramble" to make sure Obama and company "know" that this isn't "network policy". Except that Andy Rooney never said it. And neither did Paul Harvey. So even though there wouldn't have been any scrambling, and no reason to to begin with... Well... Yeah...

---

Folks, this is the year that we RE-TAKE AMERICA & CANADA.

---

Who took them? Anybody? Anybody? You mean... No one took them anywhere?! I would think even the U.S. and Canada would like a field trip every now and then... But there they are, still... Well, there... Right where they were, spinning around the sun just like always... Go figure...

---

********* Get Ready *********
Keep this going around the globe.

---

So it's not just the U.S. and Canada!? Oh, dear!

---

Read it and forward every time you receive it... We can't give up on this issue.

---

Just so we're clear--the issue seems to be relocating the entire Western half of the Northern Hemisphere...

---

Andy Rooney and Prayer. Andy Rooney says:

---

As stated above, no, he doesn't.

---

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December.

---

I couldn't even begin to imagine how one would go about suing for that reason. And thank goodness that we, as adults, are now allowed to stop believing in imaginary beings! Whew!

---

I don't agree with Darwin , but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.

---

Well, that's good because you would have lost. You see, the teacher was busy teaching you about facts, which, among other things, didn't include Santa Claus. The fact that you think Santa and scientific law are somehow related to one another is not helping your cause in any way.

---

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered in any way because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.

---

Actually, it's very possible you did infringe upon some one's liberty. Were the football students coerced into joining in because of fear of retribution from not participating? (Yes, this has happened... Probably more often than we would like to admit...) Having a moment so that people can pray to their deity of choice is not the issue--having the coach lead the students and players as if suddenly everyone there were in fact Christian and praying to the same god, IS an issue, especially if that coach is a state employee. Especially if that "voluntary" prayer is being broadcast tot he entire stadium over the stadium's state-paid-for PA system. Especially if the school policy allowed only for "appropriate" messages and imposed other guidelines that give the student's message "the imprint of the state." Separation of church and state isn't a matter of opinion or belief--it's the law. That being said, I, as most other atheists I know, don't get upset at these little Pray-Alongs. We just hum quietly, count the ceiling tiles, or make faces at you while your heads are bowed... Generally, we find a way of amusing ourselves, sometimes at your expense, while you all pray to some invisible deity who, in all honesty, if he did exist, could probably give two shits about who does or doesn't win your game of choice.

---

So what's the big deal?
It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire Book of Acts.

---

They have in the past. And they would if no one ever said anything. And that's a fact.

---

They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

---

Asking for no injuries and safe play while strapping on padding and a helmet only makes me question your faith more. If you're asking your god to protect you while playing, why the need for the shoulder pads and helmet? Not that I mind if you wear them to bed--Ooh, lala! But something tells me you have less faith than you claim...

---

But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, and Canada, countries founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect -- somebody chanting Hare Krishna?

---

So because there are more of you, screw everyone else's beliefs? Why should the Muslim player on the team have to sit there and listen to the coach's prayer to the Christian god? Why not let the players pray to themselves? Is the coach going to lead as prayer to Allah, then? In fact (and please pay attention to this part, it's vitally important...), we are not Christian nations. We may have been founded on some of the principles in life that Christianity happens to share in common with multiple other religions around the globe, but the Founding Fathers expressly prevented mentioning any type of god in our Constitution (despite many a pastor and preacher's protestations to do just that) simply because they knew it was divisive and did *not* want to go down the path of our mother country, England. They saw what state-sponsored religion could do to a nation, and thus, not only erected a wall in the first amendment, but also included a clause in the Constitution which forbade "any religious test" as a prerequisite to holding public office. I can't speak for the history of the Canadian government's freedom of religion, but I can assure you that the United States is not a Christian nation, just a nation that happens to have a disproportionately high number of Christians...

---

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.

---

As football isn't nearly so popular in the Middle East, and considering half of Jerusalem is under Israeli control while the other half is under Palestinian control (aka mostly Muslims...)--well, odds are about 50/50 depending on what type of prayer you would hear...

---

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

---

So do they say a prayer to Allah in Baghdad? I'm just curious...

---

If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.

---

Only if the Communist authorities allowed it. I expect, given that they have to approve any and all religious practices, the Communist Chinese government would have specific words pre-approved--if approved at all--to pray before a sporting event.

---

And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit.

---

But you are offended that not everyone here in the U.S. and Canada may *not* be a Christian? Or--wait--are you offended because people may be offended by your practices holding up a sporting event with no religious affiliation whatsoever? I mean, I could understand a bit better perhaps if, say, Jesus had said, "And whosoever toucheth the pigskin, or the orange bouncer, or taketh upon themselves any sporting event not involving lions, should say a prayer, and thank the father for the blessings of sports"--well, then, I might understand your compulsion to pray for safety as you strap on 50 pounds worth of safety equipment. But since he didn't... Well... You see my issue, right?

---

But what about the atheists? Is another argument. What about them?

---

Um... We live here, too. And we play sports. And if you want to give people time to pray before a game--fine. We'll be counting the blades of grass, eying up the competition, and running through our last minute game plays while the rest of you pray to sky fairy.

---

Nobody is asking them to be baptized.

---

Um, you do live here, right? Happens to me at my house at least once every three months!

---

We're not going to pass the collection plate.

---

Oh, but you would if you could. And you know it. Just like that "it's only ten percent" line you try in your actual churches, with your stupid felt-board thermometers keeping track of just how close you are to the new roof, the summer camp trip, the missions project to Appalachia... You would.

---

Just humour us for 30 seconds.

---

Because you don't exercise your privileges enough? You need that extra 30 seconds (which is a lie, you pompous windbags! You go on for hours sometimes!) to pray--why? I thought your god was omniscient? That he knew your needs and whims? You need to pray before the game--why, exactly?

---

If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer!

---

What do you think we've been doing all these years? You thought we enjoyed staring at you down on your knees, delaying the start of every major event in our lives?

---

Or, just exercise their right to leave this country!

---

Ah, the old stand-by. "You don't like it, you can leave!" You'd like that, wouldn't you? Fortunately, I love this country just as much as you, I simply don't have the need to tell others how to live, what to do, and to be quiet while you sacrifice a chicken, or whatever the hell it is you guys do on Wednesday evenings these days. Pray all you want, I'll keep making faces, but I'll be damned if I'll leave simply because you somehow think it's a "persecution" that some people just no longer have the patience to listen to you twaddle off at invisible sky daddies.

---

Unfortunately, one or two will call their lawyer.

---

And Christian fundies never sue anyone, right?

---

One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.

---

Maybe not the world, but you Christians love to play the victim when in fact, you were making victims of others. You see, dear reader,this entire email stems from a ruling by the United States Supreme Court in 2000, when it was found that Texan school officials were allowing "student-led" prayer before games, when in reality it was just a ploy to get around the law forbidding coach-led prayers before a game. (Source.) In the Supreme Courts own ruling, it stated: "Nothing in the Constitution as interpreted by this Court prohibits any public school student from voluntarily praying at any time before, during, or after the school day. But the religious liberty protected by the Constitution is abridged when the State affirmatively sponsors the particular religious practice of prayer." Hmm, just as I said above. Imagine that.

---

Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights.

---

None of your rights have been stripped! Not to mention Jesus COMMANDS you to turn the other cheek! What has happened, however, is that Christian Privilege is no longer tolerated. We are still in process, but our country is leveling the playing field, so to speak, when it comes to religion in this country. How would you feel if Jews were suddenly demanding that a Jewish prayer be led by teachers every morning? After all, we are just as much a Jewish nation as a Christian one--yet I hear of no Jewish peoples complaining about their god not being present in school as the source of all that is wrong with the United States--why is that?

---

Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep.

---

Not every one's parents taught their children these things. Hence, religious freedom.

---

Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing.

---

Your bible. Not "our" bible. Again, that pesky religious freedom thing.

---

Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.

---

No--they are telling you to stop elevating Christianity above all other religions in this country. Again, you still have your right to pray--just not to expect the state to lead you in that prayer, promote that prayer, or in any other way make your prayer more special than anyone else's prayer.

---

God, help us.

---

Guess that praying isn't doing you too much good after all, then, eh?

---

And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me.

---

We would, but that would only feed your victim complex, you non-Andy Rooney-esque idiot.

---

The silent majority has been silent too long.

---

Could have fooled me. Seems I can't do anything without seeing your churches, hearing you on television, trying to keep you from making your religious beliefs into the law of the land. You are everywhere, yet still carry a persecution complex. Amazing the amount of self-deception that goes into these emails...

---

It's time we tell that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority doesn't care what they want! It is time that the majority rules!

---

You may not care, but that's the beauty of this country--majority rule with minority rights. This country wasn't founded by the mob for the mob. Mob rule has no place here for very good reason--reasons like the rhetoric in this email. And claiming that "you don't care what they want" isn't exactly a "love thy neighbor" type of position, is it? I'd like to hear you defend that before your supposed Creator. "Well, you see, God, I didn't mean that I didn't care, so much as I wished they would let me rule the country in your name. So you see, it was all for you, God!" Uh-huh.

---

It's time we tell them, "You don't have to pray; you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him.

---

We already knew that, and certainly didn't need to listen to all that rabble-rousing to get there. We don't pray. We do pledge our allegiance to this country (omitting that silly phrase entered by the Christian wing-nuts in the 1900s fearful of the Communists, "under god."); and we don't believe in god or attend your silly worships, but only because we made laws over the years redacting old state laws that made such worship compulsive. (A fact, see here.)

---

That is your right, and we will honor your rights, but by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away. We are fighting back, and we WILL WIN!"

---

Again, your rights have not, nor will they ever be, taken away. Freedom of Religion, dippy! (Jeebus, do these wing nuts have ear muffs on??) Saying you are going to "win" makes it seem as if you've lost something, and you haven't (unless it's your faith in your sky fairy, in which case I applaud you...)

---

God bless us one and all...Especially those who denounce Him, God bless America and Canada,

---

Yadda, yadda. Ugh. It's exhausting dealing with such stupidity...

Claims about discrimination and persecution would be justified by the Christian right if we were dealing strictly with Constitutional rights (such as the right to free speech, or the right to bear arms), but we're not talking about these things are we? As much as the Christian right would like to make this about a "violation of rights," it's really just a leveling of the playing field, and a loss of their "specialness." The truth is that Christians are losing privileges, actions, and entitlements they feel strongly about--not rights. They are losing the power to get treated better than everyone else. They are not actually being discriminated against--its just that they can no longer discriminate in their traditional ways and means, and are starting to be treated the same as everyone else. It’s certainly not unlike how the end of “white privilege” was perceived by whites during the Civil Rights era of the fifties and sixties (you know, the good old days when all these right-wingers claimed that "life" was somehow better?)

Christian privilege is one of the few traditional privileges that continues to be openly defended in today's United States. Other forms of privilege (like "white male privilege") may continue to exist, but it’s wrong actually argue in defense of them anymore (to many a discriminatory person's chagrin). Perhaps one day religious privilege will go the way that white male privilege are going, but conservative Christians are already bemoaning their loss and fighting tooth and nail (in the humility and love of Christ, of course).

One wonders what they'll resort to when all privilege is gone?