Oh No He Didn't!

And in those days, there walked an Anonymous who felt his opinions about life, the universe, and everything weighed heavy on his heart, and in a moment of weakness, unable to keep his wise words to himself, did vomit them upon this blog, and thus the words were spoken, and an imaginary audience did rejoice and feast and praise the god(s) on high for the courage to spew...

Okay, I digress...

But dear, dear Anon (number 1,302 by my reckoning) commented on another of my top-rated posts and said the following:

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Anon: Well, I agree with you on somethings. These crazy folks add weight to your cause. They make you seem smarter than you are.
(Do you always start off calling people stupid nicely...? Always a good way to make a point, don't you think?)

Anon: But I wonder, what do you atheists agree on?
(At the next meeting, when we hand out membership cards, I'll be sure to get you an exhaustive list; until then, please note that the word "atheist" pretty much covers it: no belief in any type of god(s)... You realize you are an atheist as well, right? Just about different gods that others hold dear...)

Anon: Oh, I know what you agree on, you are each your own god (with a little "g")
(Um, no, sorry: an inactive belief in any type of god, whether capital or lowercase, doesn't suddenly default us to god status. Not believing in gods means just that, even for ourselves. We don't believe in any god, whether yours, his, hers, or theirs, and that also means ourselves: we don't believe we are gods either... But I'll add it to the list for our next meeting--"See if we can turn water into wine at Dawkins next birthday bash...")

Anon: Isn't that scary to you?
(That you think I think I'm a god? Yes, that is scary... However, you may leave all sacrifices on the stoop, and anything I don't care for I'll feed to my dog...)

Anon: I mean the government can come and strip you of everything you have including your rights, and there is nothing you can do about it.
(You realize, of course, that they can do this to you as well, whether or not you're a Christian, Muslim, or Wiccan, right? There isn't a waver in the constitution for a belief in god(s), just and FYI as I can't possibly see what this has to do with anything at all...)

Anon: Are you sure there is no higher power that you can depend on. (Yes, otherwise I wouldn't be a very good atheist, would I?)

Anon: Not for your physical possessions,
(Oh, thank myself you pointed that out! I was ready to believe in spite of my HO scale train in the attic!)

Anon: but for your "after this life" well being.
(No such thing as an "afterlife," unless you died, took some Polaroids and video, and St. Pete missed them at the security check point at customs...)

Anon: Oh, I forgot, you guys may or may not believe or agree on that either.
(If you forgot, why did you ask? Seems rather asinine on your part... By the by, there's no "may not" about it--we don't. Are you sure you know what the word "atheist" means? [I suddenly feel like I'm in The Princess Bride, and you're playing the part of small, angry Sicilian...])

Anon: One thing is for sure, this world and everything in it hangs on right and wrong, black and white.
(Actually, "this world and everything in it" hangs on the laws of physics, which have nothing to do with man-made constructs such as "right," "wrong," "black," or "white." Nothing "hangs in the balance" except your sanity and the civil rights of others to believe in their fairy tales, much as you believe in yours...)

Anon: Are you right? (Yes, but are you sure you're all right?)

Anon: I mean all of your data comes from someone else's writings right.
(As does yours...)

Anon: Was it documented correctly?
(We know from much historical findings that yours isn't... And we know from a little thing you may have heard of, the Scientific Method? that all findings are tested, retested, retested ad infinitum, even things assumed to be true... See here for a short, simple lesson on how science works...)

Anon: That's funny, you don't find it hard to believe some ancient writings, but you can't seem to believe that someone has to be responsible for this universe.
(You realize, I hope, that your sentence was self-contradictory... What "ancient writings" am I finding it easy to believe "in", and where does the automatic default into "someone" needing to be "in control" and "responsible for" the universe come in? Did you actually just fall off a turnip truck? I always thought that was just a phrase... Funny that...)

Anon: I mean, where did everything that exists come from?
(Take a look, it's in a book, Reading Rainbow... LOL! Does your whole of existence actually depend on an answer to that question? "Where it all came from?" Please, I'd honestly like to know if this is your sole reason for believing in a higher power...)

Anon: I know you have some humorous come back for that.
(Some things never change...)

Anon: You people always do.
(Hmm... Was that registered at our annual atheist meeting? I'll check to see if it's on the list...)

Anon: That's how you avoid a point that has been made.
(I hate to burst your bubble [okay, not so much], but you haven't made a point--and if you actually think you HAVE, then you need to go back and reread what you wrote... All I've gathered thus far is that you want a list of what atheists agree on [like we have a statement of "doctrine" or something? Seriously?]; that you feel someone needs to be "in control" for you to feel valid as a creature on this planet; and that you have no idea what the word "atheist" means...)

Anon: Look, I'm not saying that you have to believe what everyone tells you.
(Damn, I was about to believe you just because you said so! Honestly, I actually make it a point never to believe what anyone tells me until I've looked into it myself from more than one source, and always from independent, unconnected sources...)

Anon: I myself have been hurt by "church folks" and some of their lies (not all people in the Church are of the Church).
(Ah, the old stand-by--Not only must I have been "hurt" somehow, but it was obviously not from a REAL Christian, it must of been one of those many pretenders who obviously doesn't have the holy Casper dwelling in them... As if they would actually walk 500 Miles... Damn pretenders...)

Anon: But in the middle of that, I still had to know my maker.
(Ah! Then I'm speaking to Pinocchio? You became a "real boy" then after all, didn't you! Good on ya!)

Anon: He is easier to find than you think.
(It must be the invisibility, the silence, and the nonsensical followers that threw me for a loop then... Actual lack of evidence notwithstanding...)

Anon: You just have to stop being your own god to see him.
(Note to self: stop being own god! And pick up more Post-its!)

Anon: I really hope you find the truth you are looking for.
(Not in the direction you're pointing, but thanks for stopping by anyway...)

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Oh, how I love the loons... They never seem to be out of season...