Thursday, December 21, 2006

Oh, That YHWH...

I forget why... but I was researching something for another post which I totally forget the reason for (perhaps I'll remember when they stop frying my brain at work) but I came across this silly, silly passage in Leviticus that I just have to add my own personal commentary on. If you mind to much, you might as well just not read. If you are an easily offended Christian, you may as well not read. But, unlike a lot of the medicines you hear about on TV, you will not end up with a failing liver, a three-headed child, or a heart condition inadvertently caused by your new heart medication. Oh, the ironies...

Leviticus 11:13-25
The Gist: God is giving a list of the birds that it is okay to eat or not eat as a Hebrew wandering the desert in search of a promised land that they supposedly can't enter for a water faux pas from earlier in our little fairy tale...
The Verses: (The following in italics are mine, in case you confuse the wisdom of my words with the "wisdom" of sky god...)
13 And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls; they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,
14 And the vulture, and the kite after his kind;
15 Every raven after his kind;
16 And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,
17 And the little owl, and the cormorant, and the great owl,
18 And the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle,
19 And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat. (Pardon? The bat is a bird? What evolutionary tree is sky god looking at? A bat is a bird... sheesh!)
20 All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. (Hmm, yeah, those four-legged chickens--wait! Um... "Four-legged fowls"...? Anybody know where I could find one of these things? Could sky god possibly be referring to a flying squirrel? Did they even live in the desert?)
21 Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth; (Sky god say what? Perhaps he's referring to insects? He does mention "locusts" next, but even locusts have six legs, as do most insects... Perhaps sky god can't count? I mean, after all, where could he have gone to school if he is the end all be all?)
22 Even these of them ye may eat; the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind.
23 But all other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you. (Um, excuse me... not to interrupt this catastrophic lesson on insectology, but you didn't even mention any bugs that have four feet! This may explain some of the confusion around the whole six-day "creation" process... I mean, if sky god can't even count how many legs a bug has, who's to say he even knows how long it took him to create anything?)
24 And for these ye shall be unclean: whosoever toucheth the carcase of them shall be unclean until the even. (Here that? Ever picked up a dead bug? You are unclean until the even!!! Okay, yeah, don't get too tough on the wandering Hebrews! "Until the even!" Shudder, shudder... I wonder if Moses and Aaron had boots to shake in?)
25 And whosoever beareth ought of the carcase of them shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even. (There's that "even" again... dear lord, how does one deal with the uncleaness! Until the even, even!)

Oh, that sky god! Perhaps when some of you fundies do reach Nirvana, you may want to bring some flash cards... and a science book.

1 comment:

mom said...

hello jason! i didn't think i would have anytime to pop in on your blog but i do! i am so good at having everything already for Christmas! it is called being organized! :) i am good at this! :) well, anyway, this is about your 4 legged fowl thing that you are wondering about. i was watching some animal show and they were showing some kind of lizard that lived in some sandy place and i found it interesting that they said this lizard (and i am almost sure on this) was related to birds a long time ago. (they threw some number in where i said a long time ago and you know me and numbers, who cares. :) ) anyway, i have you know this was one of those shows where if you were watching it with me you would go 'see mom! what did i tell you'. and i would just look at you. :) i don't know enough about the bat or squirrel thing but i do know squirrels are pretty smart and they do taste like chicken! :) call me when they develop the pictures of the creation thing! :) when the hebrew people where roaming around they might of had animals that looked alot different and that is what God was talking about. well, anyway, i am sure we will have fun over the holidays when we all get together and start hashing out these subjects. :) just remember santa is watching for next year already!! :) :) i know mrs. claus likes the after Christmas sales! :) and someones birthday is coming up. what you going to say now?? :) :) love and prayers