Of course, some of the things you learn over the course of four weeks and three hospital visits include:
- Vasovego is not a new hot dance move, but a medical condition. It's actually a form of "passing out" that means "We don't know what's causing it, so we'll blame it on stress." Yeah, I know, I'd rather make it the new Macarana as well...
- Doctors have a hard time saying "I don't know..." That's how you end up with a diagnosis that sounds like a dance move instead of an actual medical-sounding term, like "-osis" or "-itis." Perhaps they mispronounced it and it should be called "Vesovegitis"?
- Sponge baths aren't nearly as fun as you would imagine them to be. Especially when any male nurse that does happen to exist on your floor and in your wing looks more like Roseanne Barr than even Roseanne does. Quite the libido killer, that. Not to mention no sponge is actually used, simply a thin, white rag that could use a spot of bleach or two...
- Don't eat the Chinese in the cafeteria. It only comes in one flavor, despite labels such as "General Tsao" or "Garlic Beef"--that flavor is "Super-Spicy!!!!", and I can think of no other reason than Pepto-Bismol has a share-holder stake in the hospital itself, and it saves insurance companies on having to pay for ambulatory services if the emergency room is just down the hall when you think your chest is on fire and you're about to shit your stomach out your rectum. Needless to say, "unpleasant" is an understatement of magnificent proportions.
- There are two types of nurses: "Bubbly-sweet" and "Ice Queen." Both have their up- and down-sides, neither is pleasant to deal with at 2, 4, or 6:00 am (for different reasons), and they all care more about sitting at their desks than answering the nifty little buttons that supposedly mean "Your nurse will rush in to see what you need and to verify you aren't dying," but which actually mean "After I finish this fascinating conversation with my co-worker, I'll meander aimlessly for about half-an-hour and even then may not drop in unless it is time for you to swallow a pill." This system also applies to techs, Doctors, orderlies, the cafeteria staff, and other patients' loved ones. One of the ice-queen nurses was so happy I was leaving she actually smiled--in an "ice queen" kind of way, of course.
- I am a bitch. No, I did already know this fact, but I didn't think it actually applied to people who paid more for their schooling than I did... i.e., Doctors, nurses, and techs. However, it seems I have no qualms when it comes to interrupting their stories about their kids with their coworkers, and if you have placed a wheelchair outside of Rich's room to let him leave, but disappear for an hour? I will roll that wheelchair into his room, tell him they said I could, and then start wheeling him down the hall until someone says, "Hey, you!" I also have no qualms about telling them why... It made one of the ice queens smile, if only because it probably gave her a happy thought knowing she could piss me off that one last time.