Edouard hit Texas today with 70mph winds and tons of rain. Local officials are worried that this may be a sign of the apocalypse and god's general unhappiness with the lack of gay marriage in the state.
"We think that maybe God is fed up with our biblical-based stance on homosexuals," says Bea O'Problem, local Baptist and all-around do-gooder. "But God has to realize we stand by His word even when He doesn't."
Churches are scrambling to get in a word with the Big Cheese before any more tropical storms or hurricanes develop off the coast of the Bible Belt.
"We're having a prayer breakfast for all the non-homosexual men in the area first thing in the morning," Rev. Ima Facist was reported as saying early this morning before hopping into his storm shelter. "We ask that all the women-folk take some time to prepare a hearty breakfast for all the men-folk with whatever they can find in the storm's ruins. And it better be good," he quickly finished before his door slammed shut behind him.
Edouard is expected to dump heavy rains in already flooded areas of Texas--none of which allow same-sex marriage or same-sex divorce--and some residents are asking for answers.
"We pray and pray and pray," local housewife Amanda Huggenkiss said while her 12 young ones scampered about for clean diapers and scraps of food. "But Jesus jes' don't seem to care none anymore."
Officials estimate Edouard will leave behind millions of dollars in damages, but the blue-staters from the secular portions of America have already pledged more aid and support than those in Texas had to begin with.
"Regardless of which fairy-tale you happen to believe in or worship, we'll always be here with food, clean water, blankets and clothing for all those in the Bible Belt," Hap P. Agnostic said, safe in his liberal home in Massachusetts as Edouard made landfall. "Someone has to take care of these people, especially when their God doesn't seem to care one way or another."
Some locals were upset by Hap P.'s remarks, as Texan local Homer Sexual was quick to point out after a telephone pole landed on his garage. "It's for people like him that God does things like that to my garage!"
Homer step-brother and son-in-law, Heywood U. Fukme, quickly chimed in, "Yeah! God's jes' got bad aim is all!"
Regardless of whether God needs Pearl Vision, aid from all over the U.S. is ready to help as soon as Edouard clears the area. Blue staters reckon this cycle will keep happening as long as people look to supernatural explanations for natural events, and hold out no hope of the Bible Belt learning from its own mistakes. "If I were going to live in Florida or Texas, or anyplace else that gets hit with these types of natural disasters, I myself may be more inclined to think someone or something was out to get me," said Hunk O'Burninlove from his ranch in northern Idaho, "but then again, it still wouldn't make sense to think that way. People have go to learn, and last time I checked, a public education was still free in this country."
Education may be free, but it may take more than a miracle to get others to see what's right in front of them.
Just another hurricane.