Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Newest Craze to Hit Pennsylvania:
Whisper Down the Deadly Alley...

It's Thursday night. All is quite on the Keystone Front. Hughes's and Zartman's alike are going about their evening business none the wiser that they are about to enter...

DA-DA-DA-DUMMMMMMMMM!!!!

The Whisper Down the Deadly Alley Zone...
Ring-ring... Ring-ring...
Me: Hello?
Aunt Mary: Jason?
Me: Yes?
Aunt Mary: Where's your mother?
Me: Umm... At home, I guess...
Aunt Mary: She's not picking up.
Me: Er... okay...
Aunt Mary: I need to talk to her, now!
Me: Umm...
Aunt Mary: Leonard's dead!
Me: What?
Aunt Mary: Leonard's dead! Leonard! Dead!
Me: Holy crap! Really?
Aunt Mary: And I need to talk to your mother!
Me: Well, did you try their cell phone? When did he die? What happened?
Aunt Mary: I tried that.
Me: ...
Aunt Mary: I said, I tried that!
Me: Well... what happened?
Aunt Mary: I got no answer. I need to talk to her!
Me: No, I mean... what happened to Leonard?
Aunt Mary: He was mowing the lawn at the church and he died. Your grandmother said she isn't telling his kids what happened until she makes the funeral arrangements!
FYI: Leonard is my grandmother's husband; nice guy, too good for Grandmom (much like Grandpop was...) And Grandmom not wanting to tell his kids? Classic Grandmom...
Me: She's not telling Betsy or Bruce?
Aunt Mary: No! I don't want to be stuck in the middle. I tried calling Cindy, but I didn't get through there either.
Me: Why did Grandmom call you?
Aunt Mary: I don't know, but I need--
Me: I'll try to get a hold of her. As soon as I do, I'll have her call you, okay?
Aunt Mary: Okay...
Ring-ring... Ring-ring...
Me: Mom? Are you there? Pick up-pick up-pick up! It's me...
Mom: Hello? Sorry, we just got in the door...
Me: Are you sitting down?
Mom: Um... Okay, I am now, what's wrong?
Me: Leonard's dead.
Mom: What?
Me: Leonard's dead.
Mom: Oh no...
Me: And Grandmom isn't going to tell his kids until she has the funeral planned...
Mom: What?!
Me: I'm so mad right now...
Mom: She isn't telling them? What happened?
Me: Something about mowing grass at church, I dunno the details...
Mom: But she isn't... I mean....
Me: She's such a bitch!
Mom: Oh my word... Poor Leonard...
Me: You need to call Mary back. She's been trying to get a hold of you because she doesn't want to be the one to tell Betsy and get between Betsy and Grandmom...
Mom: I don't want to do it either!
Me: I can't blame you... But you at least should call Mary back, she's really upset...
Mom: When did it happen?
Me: Well, you know Mary's hard of hearing, so who knows how much she caught and how much she didn't... She needs a new hearing aid... I think you should call Mary back...
Mom: Here, tell your father what's going on... I need to think...

Repeat above conversation mostly, except Dad's much calmer...
10 minutes later.
Ring-ring... Ring-ring...
Mom: I don't know... I just don't know...
Me: Did you call Mary back?
Mom: Yes, and... Why is my mother like this?
Me: Cause she's a bitch.
Mom: Should I call Betsy?
Me: I think you should... I mean, if Grandmom won't tell her...
Mom: I know, but... Oh, this is so hard... Betsy loved her father...
Me: Is Grandmom going to tell her?
Mom: I'm not calling her to find out.
Me: Do you want me to call Grandmom? Put out some feelers?
Mom: No... You don't have to do that... I'll call Betsy tomorrow. Dad said if he was at the church, someone must have told Betsy and Bruce...
Me: Yeah, maybe...
Mom: But... Oh, I don't want to go through this again.
Me: I know. I remember what she was like when Grandpop died...
Mom: I can't believe...
Me: She's a bitch.
Mom: I just... I don't know... I'm not going to the funeral alone.
Me: I'll go. I liked Leonard. He was too good for Grandmom.
Mom: I need to call Cindy, I think.
Me: If Grandmom's called anyone else, it'll be her or Sylvia...
Mom: You're right. I'm so glad I live up here now...
Me: Me too.
Mom: I should call Betsy.
Me: Send me her address by e-mail so I can send flowers or something.
Mom: Oh, I will, I will, I just...
Ring-ring... Ring-ring...
Mom: You're never going to believe this.
Me: What happened now?
Mom: Leonard's not dead. (Mom tries to stifle insane giggle.)
Me: What?
Mom: Leonard's not dead!
Me: Oh thank goodness!
Mom: I know... (Trying to stifle more giggles...)
Me: What? What's so funny.
Mom: Well, it's not funny, really...
Me: What?
Mom: Your uncle Dick is dead...
Me: Who? Oh...
Mom: He died on the lawn mower at church...
Me: Grandmom's brother?
Mom: Yes... (stifling more giggles)
Me: Well, I'm not going to his funeral. I wouldn't know him if I ran over him. Grandmom didn't even like him...
Mom: I know, but... (Laughing out loud now...)
Me: What? (Laughter becoming contagious...)
Mom: I called Cindy... and she didn't know what I was talking about at first... And... and... then she was like, "Oh, Mom, no. Leonard's fine. Uncle Dick is dead."... And... and...
Me: But Leonard's fine?
Mom: Yes...
Me: Thank goodness...
Mom: But then I tried to call Mary back... and her daughter answered... And I'm like, "Marie, do you want me to tell your mom she got it wrong, or should I?" And she said... she said, "Oh no, you're telling her, not me!" (Huge bout of laughter...)
At this point I should probably mention we're just relieved Leonard isn't dead...
Mom: And then... And then...
Me: What did Mary say?
Mom: She was just upset Grandmom wasn't telling Leonard's kids!
Me: Oh geez...
Mom: So I need to try again...
Me: I suppose... Does Scott know yet?
Mom: He's driving around the country somewhere thinking Leonard's still dead! I'm so glad I didn't call Betsy right away!
Me: I'm glad too! Can you imagine?
Mom: I need a shower. I'll try calling Mary back then... And Scott...
Me: So Grandmom's not on the prowl again?
Mom: Not yet, anyway...

1 comment:

mom said...

hello jason! after reading this all makes me wish it wasn't me that went through this but if i don't laugh i would be crying. the sad part in this whole thing is that my mothers character can support us all in thinking she could be so underhanded. going through this with her before you kids actually knew how she was was not easy since for years i kept thinking if i only was a better daughter than i could love her easier. than when my youngest brother and i started to talk about this and that you realize it is not just you and its not only you and him but others that felt and saw the same thing. with this whole thing in how it boils down to in dealing with this is is to live a life that others can see a good character. also to make sure when you are talking on the phone with a person with a hearing problem to make sure they understand you especially when its important information. now jason do you wonder why your mother doesn't really give 2 hoots how life began? dealing with people in your life that you call family takes alot of emotion and you can't choose family you deal with them. thank God for the so called normal family members you do have. i don't have time or the energy to worry about the stuff that happened way back when since i trying to deal with what is happeining now. :) it all just goes to show you that you can be a person you want to be like or a person you don't want to be like and i hope i will be the person you want to be like. well, going to go run my sweeper before my young and restless comes on since after watching these soaps you realize my life can be worse. :) :) now they have some problems! :) especially the people on that bold and beautiful. :) love and prayrs ps thanks to you and to sylvia and cindy for the good words that helped me deal with this whole thing before we found out that leonard is alive and healthy. thank goodness he is alive and maybe God will see fit not to let him pass on before my mother. my uncle is in heaven and like only us fellow believers can understand the joy in knowing there is a reunion going on with the others that passed on and know i will some day see him again since he was a man of faith. he was a good man and not like his sister.