Someone's Watching You...

Driving home from work today, I saw that once again the Lutheran church on Mountain Road decided to try to sound catchy and witty by placing once more some little mind-numbing witticism on their billboard out front. Granted, most of them make me laugh so hard I veer a little around the S-curve (like the fact that every summer they put up "You think it's hot here?"). But today's just made me think, "Why would he bother?"

Today the sign proclaimed, with great pomposity:

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"God is watching you."

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I lead a pretty boring life--I like it that way. When you grow up surrounded by drama, you find solace in those quiet moments, when soft music is playing on the stereo, the dog is laying by your feet, the phone is unplugged, and your time is your own to ponder things like this. I go to work (AKA Micro-managed Hell in a Building) and sit at a computer and deal with emails that say things like "Where's that PDF? We need it now!" or "Here's 600 corrections to this awful author's latest novel--we need it by the end of the day, is that okay? Thanks." I come home, eat some dinner, watch a little television, read a book, what-have-you. Nothing very exciting or drama filled. Why would God bother?

But then a Sunday school flashback strikes, and I cower at the stop sign briefly as I shudder at this hateful time of learning about the "love" of Jesus. God, supposedly, is everywhere. (How'd you like the smell of those intestinalized taco's, big guy? Makes you wish you weren't watching in the toilet, doesn't it?)

But--wait a moment... If God is everywhere... And I'm supposed to think "it's hot here,"...

Reminds me of that line from The Birdcage, when Robin William's character says "So this is Hell... and there's a crucifix in it." Classic.

But then, I thought the whole concept behind hell was the absence of God's presence... So God couldn't be everywhere, could he? I'm sure some Jesus-hugger has come up with some clever ill-logically-thought-out scenario in which sky god is present while also allowing us to not have his presence while we slowly become human Hot Pockets for eternity, but it does seem only fair that if he's going to make us spend eternity in an Easy-Bake Oven for something we didn't even do (When was the last time a snake offered you some fruit?), he should be frying for eternity as well.

Of course, if we continue this train of thought, and sky god really is everywhere, (and we all know how the fundies like to take everything so freakin' literally) then God is also in your shit, your snot, the aroma of your fart... He's there in the cum that the rapist spews into his victim's vagina, in the knife that cuts the throat of the hostage, in the water that drowns the people in the path of the tsunami... Which means that God is also a part of things that are evil, or morally wrong in the eyes of society. And for a God in which John claims there should be no fear in the love of (1 John 4:16-21), the whole thing not only becomes very disconcerting but also hypocritical on a whole new level. So what's a Christian to do? (besides continuing to ignore every other aspect of their religion that makes no sense?)

Of course, if one reads Isaiah, God fully acknowledges that he is at the very core of evil, chaos, destruction and death (so much for "God is Love"; see Isaiah 45:7 and Lamentations 3:37-38). As, it follows that if sky god is claimed to have created everything, and everything is inclusive of evil, the whole thing is really just God's screwed-up fault. And it follows in my mind that, why would you want to worship someone or something that fucked up so badly? Even if it was not his intention (which would negate omnipotence, mind you), you now have a God that not only can't control what the hell (this part you can take literally) is going on, but the best idea he could come up with to try to make things right was to kill his kid (you know, the "one and only begotten?). Wasn't it worth it to him to kill himself? If he was so upset, distraught, and overcome with emotion at what he created, why not put his own life on the line? I mean, Holy Casper and Jesus would still be there to carry the weight of the world (if you also buy into the whole Trinity fiasco), so why kill the kid? Talk about not taking responsibility!

So where does that leave us? With an irresponsible, non-omnipotent God who, even if he is everywhere, is an active participant in the evil he created, whether of his own volition or not. Oh, and he's a murderer (but we'll just keep blaming ourselves for that, right?).

Yeah, great God you got there. But at least you have the comfort of knowing the next time your taking a shit, it's like communing with your lord and savior... Literally.