Thursday, March 22, 2007

I Wish They All Could Be California...

Richard is pretty much forcing my hand...

I've resisted for years. In fact, ever since that first day out of the military when I slept in till 10 a.m., I haven't lifted a finger or walked a step for the purpose of "staying in shape."

I'm that lazy.

But here we are, almost eight years later and at least 30 to 50 pounds heavier each. And with an impending island vacation within the next fourteen months (give or take), Rich is feeling the call of the six-pack, and not the liquid kind either...

So he made an appointment to tour a gym facility halfway between my work and home, but totally out of the way for himself. He's going out of his way intentionally to make sure I have no excuse to avoid exercise...

Which, in a way, is very sweet... And very annoying.

Sigh. So at noon on Saturday, I will go to the home of the Gym Bunnies--where the people live to work-out, feel "refreshed" after exhausting their bodies on the machines of mayhem, with their steel weights and chrome highlights. Where bicycles take you no where and treadmills stare at televisions to make you feel like--any minute now--all the walking you are doing will put you in Regis and Kelly's studio audience.

Funny, The Land of the Lost theme song just popped into my head... Coincidence?

So I suppose I'm going to be a Gym Bunny, come hell or high water...

I can't promise I won't every now and then talk about "how great it feels" and "How much energy I have"--of course, this is assuming I actually find a reason to go to the gym... I'm hoping for a Lehigh Valley Brad Pitt wanna-be who will keep the same hours I do so I have something pretty to look at while punishing myself for not having a faster metabolism...

So begins my personal "War on Fat." This means I'll likely have to compose an "Axis of Evil" ("...in other news, Rosie O'Donnel, Cathryn Manheim, and Buford Stephenson the III have been arrested in what appears to be a sting operation in the continuing War on Fat... We go to our field anchor, Ms. Skinny Dip... Skinny?"), declare war on unsuspecting food groups which have nothing to do with my gut ("Intelligence reports indicate that Broccoli now causes cancer! For more, we turn to Skinny Dip at the White House... Skinny?"), perhaps even give no-bid contracts to BowFlex just for having hot guys in their commercials ("...it seems that Chuck Norris really uses a BowFlex! Users of the AbFlex are outraged at such blatant homosexual propaganda. We go now live to Skinny Dip at BowFlex headquarters, Skinny?"). Of course, to top it all off, I'm going to have to admit mistakes in other areas of my Fitness Administration ("...Hawthorne seen letting himself out to do his business. Animal Cruelty? Or awesome doggy-door installation! You be the judge, today, on the People's Court!"), ignore parts of the world that get flooded ("Basemantic Ocean now spilling over into neighbors yard! Neighbors form brute squad in the absence of any type of acknowledgment from the Cape Cod House... Where are our fearless, abs-of-steel leaders? Tonight, on Geraldo!), and basically smile like a moron if anyone questions the most idiotic of things I might do... ("... and we have more on that story of Jason and Rich trying to mow their lawn with a goat as a time saving measure. Skinny, what's the scoop?") in an effort to go to the gym...

Geez, I'm tired just thinking about it...

Sigh. My only consolation is, though I would still be in shape if I had stayed in the military, it would be due to the embalming fluid they pumped me full of before they shipped me home from Iraq in a coffin....

And that's how we sign off on a Happy Thought around here. Catch ya's later...

2 comments:

mom said...

hello jason! after reading you and rich going to the gym i kept thinking of some Bobby Bare songs. Food Blues, Diet Song, and The Jogger. some great music for the person working out or just thinking about working out or just thinking about not working out. :) won't it be nice when you about 80 and decide who cares what i look like and just eat anything since at 80 you probably near death anyway. thats what i'm doing when i turn 80. and i think aunt dee will join me since its always good to have friends who think alike. :) :) have fun getting that body. i am sure we are going to here some great stories. :) love and prayers

Sylvia said...

Ok, this may sound weird. But, our friend Mike G. has this thing called the Nintendo Wii. And I've played. And let me tell you, it's the funnest way to get active again. And in the comfort of your own home. I know that after playing it one time, I had the "sore" feeling you get when you've exercised (after being lazy for a while) and it's sooooooo much fun! The system comes with tennis, bowling (which makes you use your legs and arms - just like real bowling) and it has golf and baseball. It's about 300 dollars for the system (don't know what a gym membership is costing these days) but it may save money....and IT DOES WORK. Once you start getting more active, you'll start to lose weight. It works. I wish I had one.
Just a thought.
Love ya!
Sylvia