Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Bless My Soul!

Hi, Bea Dickson here. Have I mentioned how glad I am that the American Family Association is around to defend poor, defenseless Baby Jesus? Why just today, that upstanding bulwark of morality and goodness sent me a message stating that people are censoring Christmas! Can you believe it?It seems that the Gap and Old Navy, trying to appeal to everyone, has slapped Baby Jesus without so much as a "Hey! How are you?" by using the term holiday instead of Christmas--Sweet God in Heaven!

Never minding that Christmas is a holiday, but can you imagine? All you want to do is get Aunt Chloe that knitted pull-over sweater ($8.95), a few clothes for the kids to wear to school ($62.43), and a nice maroon scarf to go with that dynamite leather coat you got at Burlington Coat Factory ($14.00 and $98.00 respectively), and when you rip out your credit cards for purchasing, instead of hearing "Merry Christmas," you get a "Happy Holidays" (Priceless.) Luckily, in the grand tradition of the wiseman giving gold to a baby in a manger, MasterCard is there to get us through the "holiday blues" and back to the "Christmas joys." I tell you, if Jesus were still on earth, he'd be turning over on his cross!

In fact, just the other day, I was driving through the neighborhood, and one of those damned Jews had the nerve--the audacity!!--to put up a light-up "Happy Holidays" sign right where all the Christians could see it! What will my kids think when the school bus drives by? So after I noticed them leaving, probably for one of their dinner engagements that these Jews always seem to go to, I ripped the "Happy Holidays" sign from their garage door, praise be to Baby Jesus, cause he gave me the strength to do it! I then plastered up a large "Jesus is the reason for the season" billboard in its place! Hopefully these Jews will learn that Christians are the only ones who celebrate anything in America, especially this time of year!

As I heard Pastor Iman Azhole say it on Sunday, "We stole Christmas fair and square from the pagans 1,200 years ago, and by Lawd, we ain't givin' it back till the Rapture!" God bless Pastor Iman Azhol for speaking up against these horrible sinners, who just want to be nice to everyone and respect the beliefs and traditions of others--this is America, dammit! A Christian nation if I ever saw one!

Oh, dear, now look, you made me use a naughty word. Luckily, I'm so close to Jesus he hits the snooze button for me! I'm telling you heathens! Don't censor Christmas, or we'll-- Um, yeah we will... Hold that thought...
Bea: (ring-ring... ring-ring) Hello, Pastor Iman?
Pastor Iman: Why, hello, Mrs. Bea Dickson, how are you?
Bea: Well, Iman Azhole, I was just wondering--what do we do about the heathens using the phrase "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas"?
Pastor Iman: Well, yes, Bea, that is a problem, isn't it? Why, these folks have forgotten the reason for the season!
Bea: I couldn't agree more!
Pastor Iman: And we need to stand up and say, "I'm offended!"
Bea: Amen, Pastor!
Pastor Iman: We need to pray that the spirit of the LAWD comes down and WASHES away their respect for others!
Bea: Sing it, Pastor! LAWDY lawdy!
Pastor Iman: Go with God, sister!
Bea: Thank you, Pastor Iman Azhole, thank you! (tears streaming down Bea's face...)
Hello, heathens, still there! Well, I just spoke to my thinker-- I mean, my pastor, as he said-- Um...You are all going to hell for turning your back on Baby Jesus! I mean, he's just a baby! Baby's do not share birthdays anyhow! Especially Jesus's birthday!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to Neiman Marcus and get that lovely set of pearl earrings for mother. Hopefully I won't have to hear "happy holidays" while doing so. I just don't know what I'd do then!

--Bea Dickson,
so important to God he puts Falwell on hold...

5 comments:

brandon said...

Fundie: So, you hate God?

Gay Jay: No,I dont believe God is real. I just hate fundies because they are hypocrites.

Fundie: Do you buy Christmas presents for your family and do you recieve presents for Christmas from your family?

Gay Jay: Yes, I love to buy Christmas presents and I loved that new scarf Aunt Bea got me last year.

Fundie: But wait! If you dont believe in God, then you dont believe in His son, Jesus, so then that makes you the hypocrite for celebrating Christmas.

If you dont believe in God, then there is nothing for you to celebrate at Christmas time. Giving or receiving Christmas gifts at Christmas makes the atheist an atheistic hypocrite.

mom said...

hello jason, i almost did not comment on this but whenever i read something that is not in my line of thinking i do pray for you. yes, jason i do think its a bit hard to celebrate Christmas when you are not really celebrating what i am celebrating. but than i thought some more and i think celebrating the birth of Jesus is a day to day event for me but Christmas is a day that people made up not by God but us and now there are alot of people that are exchanging gifts that are every bit a hyporcrite as jason is supposed to be. i really think the fundies that are so quick to put others down and to be as ugly like and so mean should think about how it does sound on your part when you go to some ones blog and comment so mean like when i feel as a fundie to another fundie that if i was supposed to lead others to Christ i would not want to be led by you. you do have a right to comment but jason has a right to make his view come out and to me the hypocrite is more you since as the fundie i would think you should take the upper road and maybe say nothing at all or comment with some love in your typing. well, jason, it will be interesting to see how you handle this. love and prayers

brandon said...

Gay Jay's mom,
I find it funny that you slam me, but your son completely blasphemes the God you say you love and yet you continue to justify his actions. I stumbled upon this blog accidentally, but my interest was piqued by a couple of posts. Most of the posts here are dedicated to making a mockery of God. You are correct that I am being very sarcastic in my comment, but I felt it necessary to show the other side -the right side to his blasphemous remarks. I would think that someone who claims they are a child of God would agree that while we are to witness to the lost, we are to bring light where there is darkness. Your son is lost and I know you know that, but what about a seeker who reads this blog. What about that teenage boy who is confused about his sexuality and stumbles upon this blog through a link from some other 'gay type' blog. Dont you think that kid needs to know the truth? I realize that this is your son, but the truth of the matter is that he may be influencing someone away from God with the things he writes. I know that you believe what I wrote was 'not fair' or 'not Christian', but if you will remember Jesus wasnt passive about calling someone's hand - he( (and his disciples) admonished the Pahrisee hypocrites and he turned the money changer's tables over in the temple. While you favor your son (as do all good mothers) - there are kids out there who look at the total junk on the internet and have no decent motherly influence. It is the calling of each Christian to contend for their faith. I know you want your son to be saved, but allowing him to mock God is not okay. I pray that you see the day when your son denounces homosexuality AND comes to Christ (I truly will pray for that). I am sorry if you were offended by my words, but I feel that sometimes the best way to show someone how they sound is to imitate them. He is your son and I am sure you would love him no matter what, but maybe the way to reach him is not by excusing and sugar-coating his attitude, but by confronting him in your comments with what you know to be true from God's word. God will use you to reach him one day - I pray it is very soon. Sorry to rile you, but I get riled when someone rips my Savior.

mom said...

jason i hope you can excuse me from not commenting to you but to brandon. i have no control over jason at all! what gets me upset is on how some of you church people think you can control someones rights as an American and God given rights that God does not even try to control. i think as a child of God i should show love at all times and try to respect all people know matter what they say or type. i do not roll over for people but i ask God always to put the right words in my mouth and to control my actions since what you sow is what you reap. prayer for someone goes a long way before sarcastic remarks. didn't you ever hear you draw more flies with honey than vinegar? know one controls no one and if some one does happen to come across this blog well i am sure he is looking at other blogs and not just one blog is going to do it. again this so called made up kid has his own mind like most teenagers. i do know one thing i do think that there are alot worse sites than this one for a teenager to come across. i try with Gods help to type and show Gods love to jason but to all people. he knows i don't agree with the lifestyle but again its his life and his path and i much rather have him come to God on His own than because i made him. God does not make people come to Him. He offers and i think with prayer He will keep offering in His ways. i could go on but i don't even know if you will get this and i just think instead of mocking people who don't agree with us fundies try showing love and pray. love and prayers to you and jason

mom said...

jason i hope you can excuse me from not commenting to you but to brandon. i have no control over jason at all! what gets me upset is on how some of you church people think you can control someones rights as an American and God given rights that God does not even try to control. i think as a child of God i should show love at all times and try to respect all people know matter what they say or type. i do not roll over for people but i ask God always to put the right words in my mouth and to control my actions since what you sow is what you reap. prayer for someone goes a long way before sarcastic remarks. didn't you ever hear you draw more flies with honey than vinegar? know one controls no one and if some one does happen to come across this blog well i am sure he is looking at other blogs and not just one blog is going to do it. again this so called made up kid has his own mind like most teenagers. i do know one thing i do think that there are alot worse sites than this one for a teenager to come across. i try with Gods help to type and show Gods love to jason but to all people. he knows i don't agree with the lifestyle but again its his life and his path and i much rather have him come to God on His own than because i made him. God does not make people come to Him. He offers and i think with prayer He will keep offering in His ways. i could go on but i don't even know if you will get this and i just think instead of mocking people who don't agree with us fundies try showing love and pray. love and prayers to you and jason