Thursday, November 16, 2006

Redecorating Jesus-style...

Apparently I'm on some kind of mailing list. Something tells me it has to do with the Jesus-people that were by earlier trying to drag me off to the "revival."

I received a Jesus Rug. No, really, that's what it's called. This is actually the second Jesus rug I've received this week. What's supposed to happen is, you unfold this "Jesus Rug" (really just an 11 x 17" piece of paper--cheaper weave, I suppose) and stare into his eyes. Once they "open," your prayer will be answered, you mail the Jesus Rug back to the church in came from (in Alabama), along with a check as thanks to god for your answered prayer, and life will be good.

The real deal is that it's an optical allusion, and the image on the paper is painted in such a way as, if you look at it one way, his eyes are closed, and when you look at it the other way, his eyes are open, but when you stand there dazed and confused and your eyes go blurry with tears in the hopes you'll be chosen by Jesus to be looked upon and perhaps Aunt Faye will recover form that stroke, Jesus' eyes open, a shaft of light shatters though your living room ceiling, angels sing Alleluia, and hence, you are blessed above all virgins (if, in fact, you prayed for your virginity back...)

Couple of things:
  1. Are the same people that actually fall for this scam the same ones that send Falwell and Robertson a check when they suggest Jesus would kill the Venezuelan president? Or that Katrina was about the debauchery of the French Quarter? (I remind you, one of the only sections of New Orleans to not be flooded...)
  2. Why call it a "rug" when it is only a piece of paper? Or should it miraculously change at the same time Jesus opens his eyes?
  3. Who in the hell is falling for this shit? (I know, but it bears re-asking...)
In addition to the Jesus rugs, which make a handsome throw for the dog to shit on when we're away all day, I got a pamphlet extolling the virtues of buying guardian angels to hang over all my doorways (one of which glows in the dark, "so you never feel alone") and how Satan cannot possibly be overcome by the forces of plastic, fiber optics, and a banner that says "Jesus Loves You." I;m thinking this may have been more geared toward an older, more Ahlzeimer-ridden population, but I looked at the addy on the catalog, and there my name was in bold print: "Jason Hughes or legal resident." Being that it could have been for a "legal resident," I'm wondering if they think perhaps I border Mexico and possibly have illegal immigrants getting my mail for me from my mailbox...

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

WoW that's so horrible, how they scam people. I swear some evangelicals are like old school catholics, "donate" some money to the church and your time in pergatory will be cut short. It's a shame

Darkmind said...

If I am not mistaken, praying to a Jesus rug would violate "you shall not make for yourself an idol"..one of the top ten, I believe...And pruchasing salvation? That is SOOO 14th century catholic...

mom said...

hello jason! real quick like comment on this since i am a busy beaver lately!! :) its awful how some of these so called church people con money out of people. i remember when i was watching some church tv and some guy said if i touch the tv screen i would be healed!!! and darkmind that is right about the idol commandment. that is why i will never travel to get healed when i hear about a certain idol crying tears or something. i believe that no matter what we go through on this earth God has a special plan for us all whether we are believers or not. i can look back on all my health things and find the bright stuff in it all. i wish i could type this all down but i know i can't since its so long! :) God has never left me down! i know i have not always been worthy of His blessing but He always blessed me anyway! i know jason you know some of the blessings i am talking about. i will never be able to thank God enough for His blessings. well, got to go. i am getting that granddog of mine to babysit while you are away for the weekend and i have my gift wrapping station to organize now that dad brought all the stuff up i needed to start that project and i have to get it done before the dog gets here. dad just put it all on the daybed and the cat needs that space since thats the only space she stays while your dog visits! :) well, anyway, have a great trip and maybe you should send these people back a paper that if they stare at it long enough it would be some form of money! :) that might get you off the mailing list! :) love and prayers

beth said...

Hey Jason, dont worry - you arent being stalked by the people who came to your door. I got the same "rug" and I live nowhere near PA. The sad thing is that there are old women who cant get out of the house that are staring at that thing as we speak! Just like I am sure there are gay people who dont represent your views, there are so called "christians" that dont represent God. Its nothing new - next they will probably send you a paper plate that if you eat from it you will get millions of dollars. Those people arent messengers of God. In fact, they are quite the opposite. So I think the idea of using it for dog poop is most appropriate! My three cents.

Dar said...

Oh my goodness, your mom cracks me up! I love her suggestion to send the "rug" back asking them to stare at it for their money. Now I know where you get your sense of humor :)

I have never heard of the Jesus rug, but I get Rapture seminar invitations all the time. Isn't someone working on a "do not mail" list?

DaBich said...

Ahhh..I am gone for some time, and come back, and VOILA! Jason still has his wonderful sense of humor.

Jesus rug my sweet big toe! lol I'm with your mother...send it back and have them stare at it LOL

Traveling? Where to? Have fun!!

FCSuper said...

One phrase "Return to sender" works well for me when I get crap like that. Even if you open it, just tape it back up and RTS it.

On the "legal resident" note: they only believe those who are in the US legally will have salvation.

mom said...

hello jason! real quick like comment on this since i am a busy beaver lately!! :) its awful how some of these so called church people con money out of people. i remember when i was watching some church tv and some guy said if i touch the tv screen i would be healed!!! and darkmind that is right about the idol commandment. that is why i will never travel to get healed when i hear about a certain idol crying tears or something. i believe that no matter what we go through on this earth God has a special plan for us all whether we are believers or not. i can look back on all my health things and find the bright stuff in it all. i wish i could type this all down but i know i can't since its so long! :) God has never left me down! i know i have not always been worthy of His blessing but He always blessed me anyway! i know jason you know some of the blessings i am talking about. i will never be able to thank God enough for His blessings. well, got to go. i am getting that granddog of mine to babysit while you are away for the weekend and i have my gift wrapping station to organize now that dad brought all the stuff up i needed to start that project and i have to get it done before the dog gets here. dad just put it all on the daybed and the cat needs that space since thats the only space she stays while your dog visits! :) well, anyway, have a great trip and maybe you should send these people back a paper that if they stare at it long enough it would be some form of money! :) that might get you off the mailing list! :) love and prayers