Tuesday, September 19, 2006

"Come on, Rose... Tell Me One of Your Boring Stories... That Always Puts Me to Sleep..."

Wendy's been talking to me a lot lately and I cannot figure out why. I stand there sullenly as normal to avoid vapid conversations about nothing in particular until something piques my interest... but lately, she's been initiating conversations. It wouldn't be so bad if she actually told interesting stories, or at least mildly funny, but she doesn't. She chatters nonstop about the stupidest things in the most boring manner possible...

Blanche: No, no, no please. I cannot bear that again. She was listening to her car radio, Big Band, not all talk. There was a contest. Something about a little voice, a lucky number and a dime in a door handle, then Bim Bam Boosh, won the tickets.
Dorothy: Take a lesson Rose. That's how you tell a story.
More people should learn the art of story-telling, don't you think? It's definitely a lost art--one has only to browse through current fiction in any American bookstore and see loads of crap for only $4.95 in paperback...

Rose: I have a story to end all stories about when someone wouldn't sleep with me.
Blanche: Ok Honey, but PLEASE keep it in ten words or less.
Rose: OK. I will.
Dorothy: Ok then Rose, let's hear it. In ten words or less, when did a man not sleep with you?
Rose: The time I was radioactive.
You don't start off by asking me how I am, do I have trees in my yard, or even bushes, and then take fifteen minutes to explain to me how you are going to turn your bushes out front into giant pumpkins for Halloween. Not only did you take too long, you bored me to tears. I ask you, is my life that non-valuable to you that you would want to bore me? If fact, the sad part is, your life should be boring to you, too, but you're too stupid to realize it...

Rose: This reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, stop! Rose, why is it that every time one of us makes an observation, the first thing we hear from you is "Back in St. Olaf?" I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe we're tired of hearing "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf," "Back in St. Olaf!"
Rose: Gee, no, I... I'm sorry.
Dorothy: Oh... .that's okay.
[pauses for a moment to rethink her approach]
Rose: Back in that town whose name you're tired of hearing...
Dorothy: Rose!
Have I mentioned I miss having Kelly at work lately?

Sigh. Back to work...

Dorothy: Oh... but you thought we'd be interested in the story of little Yimminy? The boy who was raised by a moose...?
Rose: That moose not only raised little Yimminy, he put him through medical school.

1 comment:

Kelly said...

I was just smiling to myself with the happy thought, "I don't EVER have to hear one of Wendy's stupid comments or stories again!" when I came upon the part about you missing moi. I forgot that some of my joy will equal your pain.

If it's any consolation, I miss you, too. I miss having our dumb, yet interesting conversations. (BTW, what did you think of Survivor and Amazing Race? We NEED to talk, Ja!)

But I don't miss Wendy. And I don't miss Erin's dumb, quiet stories that she tells in order to somehow make herself seem more adventurous and/or a badass. As if that could ever happen.

Is Wendy bombarding you at your smoke break? Hell, that would be the best reason to quit--your own personal Nicorate!