Friday, August 18, 2006

Something Fundie This Way Comes...

So I slave at work--a 12 hour shift, I shit you not. Sometimes the customer says Louis L'Amour must be finished by a certain time (despite the fact that he's been so published and republished, not a very good writer, and nobody is just dying to see that latest font that Louis is available in...), so I want nothing more than to just plop myself on my couch for some mindless TV after staring at a monitor all day. It's the least I deserve, I tell myself...

Knock, knock, knock...

Immediately, Hawthorne and Shyanne (my mother's dog whom I am watching this weekend as she sees the wonders of Niagara...) send up a storm of barks that would scare the white off rice. After politely asking them to SHUT UP!!!!!! I peek through the window to see a well-dressed gentleman standing on my doorstep. I figure he's lost and looking for either:
  1. The Bowmanstown Diner, or
  2. His way back onto Rt. 248
After all, these are the only two types of people who have knocked on my door in the past five years of life in Bowmanstown except for the odd school-fund-raising candy bar sale or what-have-you. So I yank open the door, blocking the furballs with my legs and say:

Me: Can I help you?
Gentleman: Yes, good evening sir. My name is Dan Maynard, and I'm from St. Paul's Evangelical Church. Our place of worship is just across the river, and I would not only like to invite you to come and worship with us this Sunday, but also to ask if you have ever heard the salvation message of Jesus?
Me: ... You mean, there's people who haven't?
Dan: Why, yes sir! There are millions worldwide who souls are in peril! I take it, sir, that you have accepted Christ as your personal savior?
Me: (Inner debate ensues... Say "yes" and get rid of him? Say "no" and play with his mind? Act like a mental retard? Tell him these dogs are trained to attack on the command of "Hell-hound!"...) Listen, thank you anyway, but I'm really tired, and...
Dan: Sir--I'm sorry, your name is?
Me: (Sigh.) Jason. Listen, as I said--
Dan: May I call you Jason? Jason, the decision to accept Christ could be the biggest decision you could ever make--
Me: Listen, may I call you Dan? (Tone down the sarcasm! Tone down the sarcasm!... Deep, cleansing breath...) I just worked a 12 hour shift and am really not in the mood to listen to this right now, okay?
Dan: I can appreciate that sir. I, too, have had a long day, knocking on doors, and talking to people about God and His plan for all mankind.
Me: ... (Is someone holding a gun to your head? Scratch that...) And?
Dan: May I come in? I promise not to take too much of your time.
Me: (Say no! Say no!... He could probably use the rest after walking all day... Why are you so fucking nice!!!!) Fine. Can I get you something to drink? I have tea, water, milk...
Dan: Water would be great, thank you.
I walk into the kitchen, and Dan follows me. I think he spots the "Hot Men of America" calendar, because he turns to me and says:
Dan: Sir, have you been swayed by the devil into the homosexual lifestyle?
Me: ("Lifestyle?" Are you kidding me?!?) Okay, Dan, listen, I know you probably have what you think are my best interests at heart, I really do, but--
Dan: Sir, this is not a matter of the heart, this is a matter of sin.
Me: (Cleansing breath, cleansing breath...) Okay, really, I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.
Dan: But, sir--Jason, you don't understand how gravely important--
Me: (Is he trying to be funny? "Gravely important"?) Dan, do I come to your house and tell you what I think of you and your lifestyle?
Dan: --this is. Jesus is coming to rapture the saints into heaven--
Me: That's nice, please, I must ask you to leave, now.
Dan: --and do you want to be left behind?
Me: (Sounds like a heaven-sent answer, doesn't it?) Yes, I do. Leave me behind. (I usher him toward the front door; I'm even so forward as to take him by the elbow and guide him in that direction; I think he fears "Gay germs" as he pulls quickly away)
Dan: May I ask as to when a good time would be to come and talk to you? Some time when you are available for an in-depth discussion about this--life you lead?
Me: Yeah, catch me Sunday morning.
Dan: Hmm. That won't work for me. How about--
Me: (No shit, Sherlock...) Dan?
Dan: Yes? (A smile so big, I do believe he does toothpaste commercials in his spare time; it's a grand waste of a great smile...)
Me: I said Sunday morning on purpose...
Dan: I see. (Now a deep, concerned frown; he needs Toys R Us, I do believe...) Sir, you will be in my prayers.
Me: (as I close the front door) Yours and everyone else's...
I wish I could make this shit up; life would be a lot less drama-filled and much more relaxing. I quickly went around the back to my neighbor's to warn them about the neighborhood salvation army, but alas, I went the wrong direction--Dan had already been there. Jen (my really awesome neighbor) had politely turned him away as well, and told him he might as well skip my house... She's such a sweetheart, but her plan had unfortunately back-fired... You tell a Fundie not to witness to someone, what are the odds they'll listen? Not too good. But we talked about her son's upcoming first birthday, enjoyed the sunset from her deck, and for once, I actually enjoyed doing the "neighbor thing"... I can only hope Dan (and whatever cohorts he will be recruiting to re-invade the neighborhood) don't return too soon... Next time, I may not be able to stay polite...


Darkmind said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ergo said...

Well, was he cute?? These door-to-door fundies typically tend to be the cutie types! I think it helps in their marketing. Well, the cute-effect certainly works on me.

I was once stopped in the middle of the street by a lil' cutie-cutie-cutie Hare Krishna dude! lol! :) I spent I don't know how many hours talking to him! He was joyfully deluded and I was happily enchanted by his looks! :) We even exchanged numbers and met once after that... but then it fizzled out for some reason. Poor guy. I thought it was such a waste of beauty and brains for him to be so deluded...

Jason Hughes said...

Darkmind: I told you I was! I read the post about your parents--my, what a colorful childhood you had!!

Ergo: Well, I wouldn't ever say he was beaten with an ugly stick, but neither would he have won any beauty pageants... Average, but with a great smile...

You think they make WWJBW? "What Would Jesus Brush With" toothpaste? I imagine it would come in "Washed-Away Sin White" and "Mintiness Is Close to Godliness" flavor... :)

DaBich said...

I can't believe that idiot had the temerity to even bring the subject up. I'm with darkmind, you should learn to be meaner ;)