It should be noted, of course, that the Daddy of all T-shirts for my new, up-and-coming clothing company, will be a T-shirt that reads "CHB" on the front, and "Cold-Hearted Bastard" on the back. It's a bit of a story that will be even funnier eventually.
Other T-shirt contenders include things like
- A Little Rock Goes a Long Way
- No Matter--I'm Getting Laid Tonight
- Power Bottoms = Top Rated
More unexpected newness was found in an old place--or, we should say, a friend from many years ago. Thirteen years had passed since I'd seen him last--fifteen years in actuality if we discount the one chance meeting at the local gay bar in Allentown trying to converse for a brief two minutes over booming, rhythmic music.
A lot can change in fifteen years, and things cross your mind at 36 that never even crossed your subconscious at 21 years of age, not the least of which is the fact that at 21, you just assume you're hot; at 36, you need to evaluate that in whole new ways. At 21, you know you aren't good at sex, but more than make up for it in energy and enthusiasm; at 36, you hope you've learned enough to be awesome at sex while retaining that same energy and enthusiasm.
Add to the fact that I haven't been on a date in 13 years, and I was a nervous wreck...
Nervous disaster is probably more accurate.
And then your eyes meet. You forgot they were that stunning light shade. You remember again the way he blushes, even still, with eyes crinkled in disbelief that you do find him more attractive then ever. You remember that chiseled jaw line, the way his nose curved up slightly, and as your hand reaches out to caress his jaw, it remembers automatically how to tilt it just so for that long, deep kiss...
And then you remember that you will have to try to remember that you haven't kissed another man for the last thirteen years. Will this be familiar? Different? And by how much? Will it be that silly awkward teenage make-out type session, with hands fumbling, not knowing where to hit but knowing a target is there somewhere? Or will the past rear up from where it has been buried, and we can pick up just a little of where it had been left?
An evening with an old flame...
People keep asking if this will stop me from moving to Florida, if I feel the need to try to reclaim this past and make it my present and future. I can admit the thought had crossed my own mind, but fleetingly. I know myself well enough at this point in my life to know I'm not only not ready to start a new relationship, unlike 21-year-old self who wanted a relationship come hell or high water. 36-year-old Jason is going to Florida, but for the 2 months he is still in the area, he will enjoy the company of his family and friends, old and new.
Life is just starting again. And while I think a lot of people at my stage in life, just out of a long relationship and beginning to step out again on to the dating scene go through this, reaching out to comfortable people and happier times in the past? I will not be content going backward.
And that's part of what would happen if I did change my mind at this point and not go forward with my current plans. Life would once again stall.
I think I should point out, having a relationship is not "stalling." But I do think you know what I mean. Reaching out and trying to recapture the past, while comforting, cannot sustain one as a means of approaching life. And while all the "newness" of singlehood settles about me, and my self, my personhood, finds ways to cope and deal with what at times is extremely stressful, extremely exciting, and extremely boring in alternating ways, I am finding that excitement is becoming the overriding emotion. While I still harbor sadness and anger and other unresolved emotions from the end of my relationship, it is tempered by a lot of the good and happy memories I carry of him and our past.
My life these past 13 years have not been a mistake--if anything, most of those years are precious and beautiful to me, and always will be. But it is also still too soon to revisit that person and try to foster a friendship, I think. It's only been a week--it's definitely too soon to try to be friends. I am hoping, however, that for the time being, we can be civil, respectful, and not overly emotional.
That's a bit too much to fit on a T-shirt though...