Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Army Made Me Skinny...

Life made me chubby...

Actually, it was part life, part genetics. We who are descended from farmer stock have a genetic handicap, you see. They bred 'em big and stocky--thus, in today's day and age, farmless in rural America, I continue on with my so-called "battle." The bulge, that is. I find it sincerely frustrating that, although I can now squeeze into a 36 (something I haven't been able to do since 1998), unfortunately guts don't shrink in relation to waists, and thus...

Too poor to join a gym... Too lazy to wake up early and jog... Too exhausted when I get home to put in the effort. Small consolation that the treadmill sold for a nice price at the yard sale--at least I don't have to go into the unused spare room and stare at it for ten minutes in guilt every evening--that alone must have been worth 150 calories, no? No? Yeah, no...

I keep telling myself that part of my new and fabulous life in Florida will include a personal trainer with the body of a god, the patience of a saint, and the monetary independence that will allow him to whip me into tip-top physical shape out of sheer goodwill, sort of like a charity project. He'll show up around 10 in the morning ready to go; I'll come in from off the lanai, finish my coffee and leave my paper on the kitchen counter, and we'll work out for about an hour or so; then he'll be off to his next charity case (Richard, perhaps? :D) while I finish reading the paper, drinking a protein-packed soy latte with the faint aroma of almonds and the taste of cinnamon and vanilla doughnuts...

Of course, I could just break down and pretend like I'm back in basic: get up at 3:00 am, run for a gazillion miles, then jumping jacks, down hill skiers, yadda yadda blah blah, have breakfast at 6:30 a.m. after cleaning the barracks and making the bed and waxing the floor and still have a full day of work ahead of me... But just the thought is exhausting, let alone any possible follow-through! Even the military couldn't break me of the inherent laziness--my first day out, I slept in until 10:00 and didn't even feel the urge to run, or do anything even remotely run-like...

But I was skinny...

The sole motivating factor in the military, sadly, was that if I didn't run the gazillion miles, my punishment would be to run a gazillion more. Motivation is a funny thing, isn't it? I only exercised to get out of doing more exercise...

This is why I am now on the smaller side of "chubby." If there is such a thing.

I wonder how much lipo costs these days...?

But then, I'd really like to meet that personal trainer...

3 comments:

elj377 said...

I hear you...I'm the biggest I've ever been not pregnant...which is small compared to many but when I look in the mirror it doesn't scream skinny...

If you find your motivation let me know...I need some too...

Jason Hughes said...

It's so hard for me to imagine you gaining weight at all! You were always such a bean pole, LOL! Guess age (and weight) catch up with all of us... :)

elj377 said...

I hear you...I'm the biggest I've ever been not pregnant...which is small compared to many but when I look in the mirror it doesn't scream skinny...

If you find your motivation let me know...I need some too...