Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Do You Hear What I Hear?

I fought tooth and nail to get to you tonight, dear reader. You may not realize what goes on within the domain of a single-computer, dial-up household--after all, from what I hear, each family now has 2.5 computers, broadband up the ass, and a child for every MP3 player that needs programmed. Since not all of us are so blessed, this is how it goes here:

Me: Babe, I need to blog.
Rich: Uh-huh... Five more minutes...

[Thirty minutes later...]

Me: Babe, I need--
Rich: Yeah, I heard you, I'm just in the middle of looking up something for your birthday...
Me: Didn't you do that yesterday? And the day before? Honestly, how much are you spending?
Rich: Enough, but I need... You'll have to... Five more minutes...

[Thirty minutes later...]

Me: Babe, I--
Rich: Hey, I'm sure your millions of fans aren't that worried. You can blog tomorrow. It's just that--
Me: --wanted to know if you want some ice cream... Smarty...
Rich: Oh. Um, no thanks, I... Uh... Five--
Me: --more minutes, uh-huh... I'll just blog tomorrow... Again...
Rich: At least it's for your birthday present! [Big grin...]
Me: Lemme guess. For my birthday, I'll get to use the computer again? Oh, goodie!
So, in the interests of allowing a certain someone to get back to eBay to spoil me rotten just 21 short days after the gift orgy known as Christmas, I'll keep this brief. Granted, each of the following topics were to be much grander, much longer, and much more awe-inspiring with the intent of leaving you in a state of rapturous wonder at my wordy wisdom, but I digress safe and secure in the knowledge that I'm about to get more gifts, and you will be left wondering what that gift is... :D
Brief Topic Number One: God doesn't want his followers to have Christmas trees:
Jer 10:2-4: 2. Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen [...] 3. For the customs of the people [are] vain: for [one] cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. 4. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.

Brief Topic Number Two: Bathrooms have many nooks and crannies--and you don't want to be in most of them...
It also amazes me how people actually get paint all the way behind the toilet for uniform color on a wall. At this point I would upload pictures of the new black floor (which, if truth be told, is the result of a quasi-lost battle on my end), my hand-made wooden blinds custom colored to match the walls, and the spectacular end result, but blogger's pic feature seems to be down at the moment of this posting, so that'll have to wait. Trust me, however--it looks fabulous! Black floor and all...
Brief Topic Number Three: You can put too many chocolate chips into a cake.
Cake then collapses into a half-baked chocolate mush pile that your dog just loves to knock over the garbage for, and you end up buying a package of Oreo's to bring to the family get-together. Much is made over the effort you must have put into said Oreo's, and you grin and bear it, as that is what family is for. :) I have to say, I have the best family in the world, even if evil grandmother lied about bringing her traditional graham cracker pies. I think this is the first holiday EVER in which they were not present (the pies, not the evil grandmother...) Personally, I think she was just trying to think of a way to piss us all off, but none of us took the bait. It's nice to know she can bring so much joy to our family just by being a typical bitch when we refuse to play by her mind-game rules. (I think I feel a Tiny Tim moment coming on...) But I digress.
That'll have to do for now--a certain someone is saying he must check on an auction for the upcoming 3rd anniversary of my thirtieth birthday, so I'll leave you all with this:

Have a happy new year, have fun, and in the words of my awesome Uncle Scott: If you can't be good, be careful.

Ta ta for now, my friends!


elj377 said...

I want to see pictures of your bathroom...sounds interesting!

Sorry about the cake fiasco...been there...now I have kids who eat all the goodies before I can take them and then I feel embarrassed!

Brian said...

Hi, Nice blog. I own a lawn and home business. I lean toward the lawn side of it, but I do alot of bath remodeling for my customers. I could imagine, I bet the bathroom with a black floor looks phenomenal. I would hate to clean it though.

grace and peace,

Kel said...

"Broadband up the ass?"

Just so you know, MY broadband is OUT my ass, thank you very much!

You know what they say: to each their own.