Thanks for Clarifying That, Pace...

Remember in March earlier this year, when General Pace said the following?:

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"I do not believe the United States is well served by a policy that says it is OK to be immoral in any way..."

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He apparently didn't think he was clear about his stance on homosexuals in the military--so he decided to rectify that answer--an answer he said today was "misreported" in March of 2007. So, in an effort to let Americans know how he really-for-real-and-for-true feels about having gays in the military, he clarified before a Senate hearing that:

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"Are there wonderful Americans who happen to be homosexual serving in the military? Yes," he told the Senate Appropriations Committee during a hearing focused on the Pentagon's 2008 war spending request.

"We need to be very precise then, about what I said wearing my stars and being very conscious of it," he added. "And that was very simply that we should respect those who want to serve the nation, but not through the law of the land condone activity in my upbringing is counter to God's law."

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Well, it certainly seems to me his earlier remarks were misrepresented! I mean, here, all along I thought he was against repealing don't ask, don't tell because he thought it was "immoral" in god's eyes--and here all along, it's been because he thinks it's wrong in god's eyes!! Whew! I certainly am glad he cleared that up!

I'm just glad that a four-frickin'-star general thinks military policy should be dictated by a bible and not by actual military policy built on years of training and tested-and-true tactic and strategy! Apparently, god forbid!

Of course, while the general is looking to the bible to guide his military decisions, I dare him to get everyone under his command to walk circles around a city blowing horns--we'll call it an experiment to see if the walls actually crumble (or if it was simply the inhabitants going insane from all the damn noise...) Or maybe for his next strategic battle against enemies both domestic and foreign, he could slaughter all the men, children, and animals, but keeping all the virgins alive for he and his men... I mean, it's biblical, so it must be okay for the United States army, right? I mean, as long as those dirty homosexuals aren't around to ruin the biblical fun of raping and pillaging the enemy (all in the name of securing the "promised land," of course...)

Of course, as I said earlier, you'd think the freakin' right-wing and conservatives would be thrilled to let the gays serve in the military: It's getting rid of a sinful scourge in our country *while* killing those evil, evil Iraqi's who supposedly bombed the World Trade Center (and if you still believe Saddam was behind the WTC attacks, I have some ocean-front property in Arizona for sale...)

So, just to make sure poor maligned General Pace isn't misunderstood again, let me summarize for you: You shouldn't have gays in the military; if you do indeed find out that you are a gay in the military, you can stay as long as you tell no one, don't have sex, or at least have the decency to get married... which you can't do 'cause god said so. Henceforth, the new policy for being gay and joining the military will work as such:

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ALL REQUESTS FOR JOINING THE MILITARY SHALL BE PROCESSED AT WINDOW 1.

ALL REQUESTS FOR MARRIAGE OR OTHER MARRIAGE-LIKE STATUS'S WHICH WILL ALLOW YOU TO HAVE SEX UNDER GENERAL PACE'S INTERPRETATION OF THE LAW OF THE LAND (AKA THE BIBLE), WILL NOW BE PROCESSED BY GENERAL PACE AT WINDOW NUMBER 3.

HOWEVER, YOUR CURRENT LEVEL OF PATRIOTISM MUST FIRST BE ESTABLISHED AT WINDOW 12, WHERE YOU WILL RECEIVE THE APPROPRIATE DOCUMENTS IF YOU ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS APPROPRIATELY, AND BRING THEM TO WINDOW 4.

IF YOU ARE IN THE MILITARY, AND HAVE PASSED BOTH WINDOWS 1 AND 12, YOU MUST FIRST GO TO WINDOW 5 BEFORE WINDOW 6 OR WINDOW 4, WHERE YOU SHALL REMAIN QUIET AND SEXLESS UNTIL SAID TIME WHEN YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE SUMMONED YOU TO EITHER WINDOW 8 OR WINDOW 3. IF YOU WISH TO ACHIEVE A MARRIAGE-LIKE STATUS AT THIS TIME PLEASE PROCEED TO WINDOW NUMBER 8 BEFORE PROCEEDING TO WINDOW 3.

IF YOU ARE A GAY BLACK MUSLIM OF JEWISH DESCENT, PROCEED TO WINDOW 3A, WHICH IS CONVENIENTLY LOCATED JUST BENEATH WINDOW 3, AT ABOUT WAIST-HEIGHT...

IF YOU ARE A WHITE ANGLO-SAXON HOMOSEXUAL WHO CAN TRANSLATE ARABIC, BEND OVER AT WINDOW 3A BEFORE PROCEEDING TO WINDOW 15C TO RECEIVE DISCHARGE PAPERS.

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I hope that clears up Pace's position on homosexual activity in the military--god forbid he be misrepresented again...