You have to know my uncle. Picture Leo from That Seventies Show, add a dash of Howard Stern (without the "K.") and a pinch of Aerosmith, and you've pretty much got him down. He's one of those people that always has a "Get Rich Quick" scheme, or, at least, has been suckered into many "Get Rich Quick" schemes...
Kip: Hey, Jason? Jason?
Me: Yeah? Hey, Kip, what's up?
Kip: Man, you Hughes' are hard to get a hold of! Do any of you answer the phone?
Me: Umm... I just did...
Kip: [Laughter] Yeah, I guess so. Hey, I need you to see something.
Me: Over the phone?
Kip: Yeah, yeah, you guys. No, I mean, ever hear of Vonage? VOIP?
Me: Er...
Kip: Well, listen, I'm in this new business...
See? Religion runs rampantly through this family. It's a drug, an opiate. It does more damage than a drunk elephant on a carnival cruise... Anyone in this family could start a conversation about... Oh, septic tanks. Or the mating habits of a ladybug. God will come up nine times out of ten.
Kip: ...wait till you hear about it! It's the wave of the future!
Me: What is?
Kip: It's called ANC. You can look it up, man, this shit is the future! Think about cell phones! Everyone has 'em now! You have to see this!
Me: Well... [Sigh. LOST comes on soon...] Why can't you tell me about it now?
Kip: Danny... you know Danny, right? Megan's Danny?
Me: [Who the fuck doesn't know Danny? He's only been around since I was like, nine!] Yeah?
Kip: Well, he'll be here too, and...
Me: Be where?
Kip: Oh, be at my house on Monday night. At seven! You'll hear all about it...
Me: About what?
Kip: About ANC. It's this great company that... You know these guys are sitting on a beach drinking martini's and...
Me: Who is?
Kip: Whoever invented cell phones, man! And freakin', um, you know, the Internet. I love technology, you've no idea!
Me: Kip, what the hell are you talking about?
Kip: And it's a family thing, but you know my mom and my brother and Penny, well, they're all kind of stubborn...
Me: [Yeah, like you missed that boat...]
Kip: ...well, maybe not Penny so much, but, Scott and Mom, you know, you gotta have an open mind, you know?
Me: [I give up asking questions and grunt non-committally]
Kip: And if you keep an open mind, you know? This is, well, it's great! I love it, and if I love it it has to be great, right?
Me: [Another grunt]
Kip: [Laughter] And it's like satellite radio, man, I can't live without it now! But this opportunity can't be missed, it's freakin' gonna be the future!
Me: Yeah, you said. What is it again?
Kip: Well, you have to see. Hey, call your... Hey, is um.. What's his name?
Me: [For the ten-thousandth time] Rich?
Kip: Yeah, why can't I ever remember that?
Me: [Acid, crack, and heroin, perhaps?] Er...
Kip: Well, bring Rich, and get Tom, and Sylvia, and... What's Mike doing?
Me: I have no idea...
Kip: Well, what about Cindy?
Me: Kip, I have no freakin' clue what anyone's doing. [Will you please get to the fucking point?]
Kip: Well, with this, you'll always know 'cause calling is so cheap--well, you'll see on Monday, right? Right.
Me: Kip. you still haven't--
Kip: And it's great 'cause it's run by Christians, and--
Me: [This is a selling point? Are you kidding me?] So?
Kip: Well, you know they're good people, you know? And...
So I do my homework. I hop online and look up this "ANC." It's a telephone service that uses your "broadband DSL/Cable modem" to connect you with the world for pennies on the dollar. This poses quite a few problems for me:
Kip: ... save tons of money on calls and everything!
Me: I don't call anyone.
Kip: Yeah, how come you never call, man?
Me: Why would I?
Kip: To say hi?
Me: I just did when you called me.
Kip: [Laughter] Yeah, yeah, I guess you did. You guys, I tell ya...
Me: Listen, Kip, I gotta go.
Kip: Yeah, well, be here Monday, and get Tom and Sylvia to come, and see if you can get a hold of Mike, and bring... Bring... What's his name?
Me: Rich.
Kip: Yeah, him, bring him. It's the wave of the future! You're gonna love it!
Me: I'm sure.
- I don't have a DSL or Cable modem
- I don't want to be "connected to the world"; it's filled with dumbasses
- I don't call anyone
And people wonder why we only get together for holidays, funerals, and weddings... And maybe not always even then!
Kip: Hey, Jason? Jason?
Me: Hey Kip, listen, I was looking at this on the web...
Kip: Doesn't it sound awesome? Wait til the presentation on Monday, man!
Me: It's a "presentation"?
Kip: Well, yeah, man, it's like--
Me: Listen, Kip, it says I need a DSL or Cable modem, and I don't have one.
Kip: Don't worry about that! I'll explain it!
Me: [There goes my easy out...] Well, Kip, I mean--
Kip: Don't worry about it! I'll tell you all about it on Monday, you're going to love it!
Me: Fine, I'll call you Sunday to confirm, okay? [Anyone have a deadly disease I could borrow for Monday night?]
Kip: See you then. And hey, bring--
Me: I know, I know, I'll talk to them--
Kip: --Tom, and Sylvia, and get Mike, and... and...
Me: Goddamn it, Kip, how hard is it? RICH. His name is fucking RICH.
Kip: [Laughter] Yeah, yeah, bring him if you can, okay?
Me: Fine. Bye.
Kip: See ya Jason.
Don't get me wrong--I love Kip to death. He was a fun uncle to have growing up! But there comes a point when you don't need to hear about yet another "get-rich-quick" scheme that he's gotten into. There's only so many times he can claim the family "doesn't support him" for not falling into these schemes with him. It's exhausting dealing with such emotionally needy people, and when you're related to them, it's a hundred times worse, trust me.
So Sylvia, Tom, Mom, and other genetically-related blog readers--you've all been told. Kip's house, Monday night at seven. We'll all suffer together, okay?
2 comments:
hello jason! i am laughing so hard!! :) :) snort snort!!! your uncle is something else and you can't help to love him but you know with the price of gas now days and i know its not a hop skip and a jump from your house to his and if you can't make it you can't. the way i hear about this he could come to your house to explain this but it is up to you and whats his name. :) :) snort snort!! i am understanding its a wireless phone thing whatever that means?? i am here to tell you our stupid cell phone DOES NOT work up here at all and you need those towers about every 5 feet i think for them to work and the computer has not changed my life to the point i couldn't live without it and when i was out of electric for NINE days the only thing that did work was the phone with the cord. thank goodness for the fireplace and the generator. rough camping inside of our house for 9 days was interesting. :) i still say all this stuff hooked up into something in the sky is yet another way to keep tabs on us all. i really don't care since my life is boring except when my dear brother calls me. :) than it gets interesting but you know whenever any of my kids call i feel it gets interesting. :) which is all good since we need interesting in our lives but i could do with out all this new stuff since its just another money making thing and we all like cattle our falling for it all. kip even said something to me that you can see who you are talking to and i ask why do i want any one to see me half the time when i answer the phone? half the time it seems the stupid phone rings when i am getting into the shower or coming out of the shower or i am in the middle of doing some serious cooking and baking or cleaning up my messes. why now do i have to look good at all times? am i in hollywood now?? i hope not. i am now just getting use to cds but still long for the record player that i can play my favorite records on and could stack them 5 at a time. i will probably not ever going to be up with the times since i am a dinosaur at heart!
:) give me the days when i don't hear about every little thing that comes down the pike!! well, i will get off of my soap box and go back to my hole and hope my phone doesn't ring. :) i think this where your dad shakes his head at me and answers the phone right before i say 'let the answering machine pick up since this is why God invented answering machines'. (had to put that in since your family can do this trick of putting God into all kinds of things.) now you always have a come back answer to the God invented answering machines for me so i will let you type it out for me. :) love and prayers only on here not on the phone :) :) :)
take my advice and stay home. it is a MLM scheme and you want no part of it - uncle or no uncle, DSL or no DSL. tell him no way , no how and tell him not to ask again. it would cost you money and people would hate to see you coming - you would be like the amway man!
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