Saturday, March 10, 2007

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut...

Knock, knock, knock...

Me: (opening the door...) Can I help you?
Man:Hi! We're from the Zion United Church of Christ, and we're going door to door to let people know about our Lent services going on all this month--
Me: We're you guys here, like, three months ago? For a "revival" service or something?
Man: Er... (look of confusion...) No, um, perhaps that was another one of our area Christian denominations? No, we're here to invite you to the Zion United Church of Christ. We're having Lent services every day this month, and--
Me: Are you sure?
Man: Um... Er... Yes, I'm sure. (looking around to see, I suppose, if anyone else is listening to this...) Er... Do you currently attend a weekly service?
Me: (incredulous guffaw) No, we don't.
Man: Well, I'd especially like to invite you then, to try our Zion United Church of Christ! We are a wonderful, loving community of believers who strive to teach the gospel of Christ and live--
Me: Yeah, thanks for stopping by. (Closing the door...)
Man: Sir-- (placing his hand to prevent my door from closing all the way) Do you really mean you have no desire to elarn about what God has provided for man here on earth?
Me: Get your hand off my door.
Man: Oh... (another look of confusion) Sorry, I--
Me: Good-bye.
Man: But, sir!-- (Door is now firmly closed--but this doesn't deter this soldier of god...) Sir! I'll just leave you some information so that you and your family--!
Me: (rapidly reopening door) No, you won't leave anything! The last time you people left something, all I did was burn it in the coal stove. I'm not going to burn more garbage for you people.
Man: But sir--
Me: You leave anything, I'll have the police called and have you arrested for littering.
Man: You seem very angry at God--
Me: Are you kidding me? I'm angry at you! You assume that I should give you the time of day to spout of your nonsense on my Saturday?
Man: Yuo're placing yourself and your family in mortal, eternal danger!
Me: My family is myself and my husband.
Man: Er...
Me: Put that in your pipe and smoke it. (Reclose the door)
Man: Um... Sir?! I would strongly...
Me: (Turn up the television to drown him out, but the phone rings... I answer it...) Hello?
Margorie: (next-door neighbor) Who is that?
Me: Another dude trying to save our souls...
Marjorie: Seriosuly? What is this, the PA bible belt?
Me: (laughing) Yeah, it would seem that way, wouldn't it?
Marjorie: I'll catch up with you about it later, I have to go turn out the lights to make it look like I'm not home. Bye!
Me: Bye!


Darkmind said...

Wow, you get a hell of a lot of bible pushers at your house. I live in the bible belt and don't get that much. I haven't had one in nearly two years.

Sylvia said...

Hey time they show up, just say that you "worship Satan." That will surely either shut them up or give them a heart attack...of course, if you plan on giving a heart attack, make sure you know CPR. LOL
Love ya Ja!

Darkmind said...

BWA HA HA HA!!! Christians don't need CPR...God will either save them or bring them home! BWA HA HA HA!

mom said...

hello jason! now the poor guy was just trying to be polite and invite you to the service. you should get little cards made inviting them to your non-service. :) make sure you pass the plate for offering in your non-service. nanny z. always invited all these people in had coffee with them and sometimes gave them money. now that was hospitality. i won't make you a welcome sign for your front door. :) love and prayers ps starz finally had the 5 or 6 movies of amazing stories on back to back and the family dog along with mummy daddy is now tivo. :) i think they are my favorite amazing stories. i love all those stories!