Sunday, February 18, 2007

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

  1. How Did You Find Out About Your Deity?
    1. __ Newspaper
    2. __ Bible
    3. __ Torah
    4. __ Book of Mormon
    5. __ Divine Inspiration
    6. __ Dead Sea Scrolls
    7. __ Television
    8. __ Tabloid
    9. __ My Mama Told Me
    10. __ Burning Shrubbery
    11. __ Near Life Experience
    12. __ Near Death Experience
    13. __ National Public Radio
    14. __ Other (please specify):
      _____________________________
      _____________________________


  2. Which Model Deity Did You Acquire?
    1. __ Yahweh
    2. __ Jehovah
    3. __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
    4. __ Krishna
    5. __ Allah
    6. __ Zeus & entourage (Olympus Pak)
    7. __ Satan
    8. __ Gaia/Earth Mother
    9. __ Odin & entourage (Valhalla Pak)
    10. __ Jesus
    11. __ Mithra
    12. __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
    13. __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god


  3. Did Your God Come To You Undamaged, With All Parts In Good Working Order and With No Obvious Breakage or Missing Attributes?
    1. __ Yes
    2. __ No
    3. IF NO, please indicate the problems you initially encountered here. Check all that apply:
      __ Not eternal
      __ Finite/Does not occupy the entire cosmos
      __ Not omniscient
      __ Not omnipotent
      __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
      __ Permits sex outside of marriage
      __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
      __ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, et al)
      __ Permits bad things to happen to good people
      __ Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo full of Jews)
      __ When beseeched, doesn't stay besecheed
      __ Requires one or more of the following:
      1. __ burnt offerings
      2. __ virgin(s)
      3. __ sacrifices
      4. __ foreskins


  4. What Factors Were Relevant In Your Decision to Acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
    1. __ Indoctrinated by parents
    2. __ Needed a reason to live
    3. __ Indoctrinated by society
    4. __ Needed focus in whom to despise
    5. __ Imaginary friend grew up
    6. __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
    7. __ Hate to think for myself
    8. __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
    9. __ Fear of death
    10. __ Wanted to piss off parents
    11. __ Fear of life
    12. __ Needed a day away from work
    13. __ Desperate need for certainty
    14. __ Like organ music
    15. __ Need to feel Morally Superior
    16. __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
    17. __ Shit was falling out of the sky
    18. __ My shrubbery told me to do it
    19. __ Other: ___________


  5. Are You Currently Using Medication?
    1. __ Yes
    2. __ No


  6. Have You Ever Worshipped a Deity Before? If so, please check false god(s) you were fooled by.
    1. __ Mick Jagger
    2. __ Cthulhu
    3. __ The Almighty Dollar
    4. __ Bill Gates
    5. __ Left Wing Liberalism
    6. __ The Radical Right
    7. __ The Sun
    8. __ Baal
    9. __ Ra
    10. __ The Moon
    11. __ Beelzebub
    12. __ The Designated Hitter Rule
    13. __ The Great Spirit
    14. __ The Great Pumpkin
    15. __ Cindy Crawford
    16. __ A burning shrubbery
    17. __ Elvis
    18. __ Dennis Rodman
    19. __ Tinky Winky
    20. __ Other: _________________


  7. Are You Currently Using Any Other Source of Inspiration Besides God? Check all that apply.
    1. __ Tarot
    2. __ Astrology
    3. __ Lottery
    4. __ Television
    5. __ Fortune cookies
    6. __ Ann Landers
    7. __ Dianetics
    8. __ Palmistry
    9. __ Psychic Friends Network
    10. __ Self-help books
    11. __ Biorhythms
    12. __ Masturbation
    13. __ Alcohol
    14. __ Bill Clinton
    15. __ Hollywood
    16. __ Tea Leaves
    17. __ EST
    18. __ CompuServe
    19. __ Mantras
    20. __ Jimmy Swaggert
    21. __ Crystals
    22. __ Human Sacrifice
    23. __ Pyramids
    24. __ Wandering around the desert
    25. __ Insurance policies
    26. __ Burning shrubbery
    27. __ Tinky Winky
    28. __ Barney Fife
    29. __ Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll
    30. __ Miss Cleo
    31. __ Other: _________________


  8. God Employs a Limited Degree of Divine Intervention to Preserve a Balanced Level of Felt Presence and Blind Faith. Your Preference Is? Check all that apply.
    1. __ More Divine Intervention
    2. __ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    3. __ Less Divine Intervention
    4. __ Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?


  9. God Also Attempts to Maintain a Balanced Level of Disasters and Miracles...
    Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent).
    1. DISASTERS:
      ___ Flood
      ___ Famine
      ___ Earthquakes
      ___ War
      ___ Pestilence
      ___ Plague
      ___ SPAM
      ___ AOL
      ___ Plague
    2. MIRACLES:
      ___ Rescues
      ___ Spontaneous remissions
      ___ Crying statues
      ___ Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
      ___ Water changing to wine
      ___ Water changing to ice
      ___ Walking on water
      ___ DVD players that set their own clocks
      ___ Saddam Hussein still alive
      ___ Getting any sex whatsoever


  10. Do You Have Any Additional Comments or Suggestions For Improving The Quality of God's Services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)
    ____________________________________
    ____________________________________
    ____________________________________
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes at least 30 days before the Rapture, you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).

Adapted from "God Wants to Know," © 1993 B.C. Brown

3 comments:

Secret Rapture said...

My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions! The Secret Rapture soon, by my hand!
Read My Inaugural Address
My Site=http://www.angelfire.com/crazy/spaceman
Your jaw will drop!

Anonymous said...

okay, who is the crazy secret rapture dude? he comments on this blog all the time and it is always the same thing. btw, the post about God's total quality mgt. is ridiculous and very ignorant - thus the one comment by secret rapture

Jason Hughes said...

I have no idea who he is, but his speech is pretty funny...

Much like this post, but apparently you had to give up your sense of humor when you found Jesus, eh?

Or could you just not pass up the opportunity to show your pride in Jesus by posting anonymously?

You must make him so proud!