God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How Did You Find Out About Your Deity?
   1. __ Newspaper
   2. __ Bible
   3. __ Torah
   4. __ Book of Mormon
   5. __ Divine Inspiration
   6. __ Dead Sea Scrolls
   7. __ Television
   8. __ Tabloid
   9. __ My Mama Told Me
   10. __ Burning Shrubbery
   11. __ Near Life Experience
   12. __ Near Death Experience
   13. __ National Public Radio
   14. __ Other (please specify):
       _____________________________
       _____________________________
   
   
   
2. Which Model Deity Did You Acquire?
   1. __ Yahweh
   2. __ Jehovah
   3. __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
   4. __ Krishna
   5. __ Allah
   6. __ Zeus & entourage (Olympus Pak)
   7. __ Satan
   8. __ Gaia/Earth Mother
   9. __ Odin & entourage (Valhalla Pak)
   10. __ Jesus
   11. __ Mithra
   12. __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
   13. __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
   
   
   
3. Did Your God Come To You Undamaged, With All Parts In Good Working Order and With No Obvious Breakage or Missing Attributes?
   
   1. __ Yes
   2. __ No
   3. IF NO, please indicate the problems you initially encountered here. Check all that apply:
      __ Not eternal
      __ Finite/Does not occupy the entire cosmos
      __ Not omniscient
      __ Not omnipotent
      __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
      __ Permits sex outside of marriage
      __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
      __ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, et al)
      __ Permits bad things to happen to good people
      __ Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo full of Jews)
      __ When beseeched, doesn't stay besecheed
      __ Requires one or more of the following:
      1. __ burnt offerings
      2. __ virgin(s)
      3. __ sacrifices
      4. __ foreskins
   
   
   
4. What Factors Were Relevant In Your Decision to Acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
   1. __ Indoctrinated by parents
   2. __ Needed a reason to live
   3. __ Indoctrinated by society
   4. __ Needed focus in whom to despise
   5. __ Imaginary friend grew up
   6. __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
   7. __ Hate to think for myself
   8. __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
   9. __ Fear of death
   10. __ Wanted to piss off parents
   11. __ Fear of life
   12. __ Needed a day away from work
   13. __ Desperate need for certainty
   14. __ Like organ music
   15. __ Need to feel Morally Superior
   16. __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
   17. __ Shit was falling out of the sky
   18. __ My shrubbery told me to do it
   19. __ Other: ___________
   
   
   
5. Are You Currently Using Medication?
   1. __ Yes
   2. __ No
   
   
   
6. Have You Ever Worshipped a Deity Before? If so, please check false god(s) you were fooled by.
   1. __ Mick Jagger
   2. __ Cthulhu
   3. __ The Almighty Dollar
   4. __ Bill Gates
   5. __ Left Wing Liberalism
   6. __ The Radical Right
   7. __ The Sun
   8. __ Baal
   9. __ Ra
   10. __ The Moon
   11. __ Beelzebub
   12. __ The Designated Hitter Rule
   13. __ The Great Spirit
   14. __ The Great Pumpkin
   15. __ Cindy Crawford
   16. __ A burning shrubbery
   17. __ Elvis
   18. __ Dennis Rodman
   19. __ Tinky Winky
   20. __ Other: _________________
   
   
   
7. Are You Currently Using Any Other Source of Inspiration Besides God? Check all that apply.
   1. __ Tarot
   2. __ Astrology
   3. __ Lottery
   4. __ Television
   5. __ Fortune cookies
   6. __ Ann Landers
   7. __ Dianetics
   8. __ Palmistry
   9. __ Psychic Friends Network
   10. __ Self-help books
   11. __ Biorhythms
   12. __ Masturbation
   13. __ Alcohol
   14. __ Bill Clinton
   15. __ Hollywood
   16. __ Tea Leaves
   17. __ EST
   18. __ CompuServe
   19. __ Mantras
   20. __ Jimmy Swaggert
   21. __ Crystals
   22. __ Human Sacrifice
   23. __ Pyramids
   24. __ Wandering around the desert
   25. __ Insurance policies
   26. __ Burning shrubbery
   27. __ Tinky Winky
   28. __ Barney Fife
   29. __ Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll
   30. __ Miss Cleo
   31. __ Other: _________________
   
   
   
8. God Employs a Limited Degree of Divine Intervention to Preserve a Balanced Level of Felt Presence and Blind Faith. Your Preference Is? Check all that apply.
   1. __ More Divine Intervention
   2. __ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   3. __ Less Divine Intervention
   4. __ Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?
   
   
   
9. God Also Attempts to Maintain a Balanced Level of Disasters and Miracles...
   Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent).
   1. DISASTERS:
      ___ Flood
      ___ Famine
      ___ Earthquakes
      ___ War
      ___ Pestilence
      ___ Plague
      ___ SPAM
      ___ AOL
      ___ Plague
   2. MIRACLES:
      ___ Rescues
      ___ Spontaneous remissions
      ___ Crying statues
      ___ Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
      ___ Water changing to wine
      ___ Water changing to ice
      ___ Walking on water
      ___ DVD players that set their own clocks
      ___ Saddam Hussein still alive
      ___ Getting any sex whatsoever
   
   
   
10. Do You Have Any Additional Comments or Suggestions For Improving The Quality of God's Services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)
    ____________________________________
    ____________________________________
    ____________________________________

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes at least 30 days before the Rapture, you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).

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Adapted from "God Wants to Know," © 1993 B.C. Brown