Jesus Loves Me This I Know,Or It's Off to Hell I Go...

Sky god knows we here it often enough on our consortium of blogs and online diaries. "You'll be sorry when Jesus shows up," and "Turn to god or you know where you're going..." with, of course, the understanding being the pits of H E double hockey-sticks. (For you slower readers out there, that means HELL.)

Let's think about that for a moment. Hell. The fiery pit. The center of the earth.

This, of course, is the punishment from the same dude that claims he came here to die so that no one else would (something about that seems to have not worked out so well... Could it be the fact that people still die daily?) Regardless, a host of people from all corners of the globe believe that this is the case: Unless you "repent" due to the unfortunate accident of a naive, nude woman falling pray to a wily snake, you will burn. For eternity. (One almost wishes sky god had had enough brains to not have a silly tree that silly snakes wouldn't have to tempt young naked women to eat from, or, at least, that sky god had given the naked humans some sort of brain to have recognized that snakes don't talk, but I digress...)

Of course, in this grand tale meant to scare young children into listening to their parents, we come to understand the flip side of sky god--that being Satan, the "fallen angel" who wanted to be "like god" (an argument that is sorely lacking an adequate explanation in the self-proclaimed "good book"...) Satan, is of course, the scape goat, as it were. The one we blame bad things on, the reason for "the fall," the evil conspirator behind bad things, dead things, things that go "bump" in the night, and childhood bed-wetting. Of course, Satan's been punished (on delay) to eternity in hell, but for some reason, sky god can't seem to make that happen until his son decides to do a farewell tour, whenever that might be (or perhaps Satan earned himself a "prison working" program of some sort?) Either way, we end up with this god vs. evil type scenario in which sky god is on one end saying "Don't listen to him, I'm the man, I saved you, believe in me or else" and supposedly Satan on the other hand going "What? He's a crack pot--too much ganja weed in the sixties of the gods... Do whatever the heck you want, I could care less..." or, in some stories, he actively tries to get you to "not believe in sky god" because, while sky god can't put Satan in hell just quite yet, sky god can make Satan believe he's winning some sort of war for souls and shield him from his punishment of eternal damnation (which, as previously stated, is pending an appeal in the Zeus Court of Law and Punishment).

Seriously, folks.

Now, let's spin this for a moment (in which case all fundies should now rise up and claim me to be the tool of Satan you believe me to be), and look at this from another perspective. What if Satan is the good guy in all of this, trying to save you from an eternity of servitude to a dude who's ego is only matched by his ability to make rocks too heavy for himself to lift? What if sky god's only real motivation is to have enough people to form a line long enough that he never runs out of hand-fed grapes and palm-branch wavers on those hot, heavenly summers he can't seem to do anything about? Remember, sky god couldn't give Adam and Eve enough brains to figure out how to spot a fake snake; not enough brains to know they were naked; he didn't allow them to know the difference between right and wrong (effectively, he made man an animal; seriously, give it some thought--it's not a huge leap, people); he also can't throw Satan in hell; he couldn't even come up with a plan that didn't involve the death of his one and only son (or so we're told; I happen to believe that if sky god was really a man, he'd have knocked up more than one virgin that fateful day in the "promised land"); and, really, if god makes all the rules, why would he invent a rule that only his son's blood could make things right? He couldn't even make rules to make things right right away! He's still on time-delay! "Just a few more years, folks. Seriously, he's coming back, I swear! No, now don't be like that--I made a promise, didn't I? Didn't I? Did I? Hey, Holy Spirit, break out that book and see if I actually did promise something..."

Some "all powerful" god you got there. Reminds me of the trinkets they sell in the Dollar General. They both do about the same amount of work for the same amount of pay-off.

And then there's this whole idea of "hell" (a fact that, while it has little biblical basis, doesn't stop the fundies from throwing it around like a secret weapon that isn't so secret...) When we picture Satan in today's day and age, he's the prince of this little fiery realm, complete with horns, tail, pitchfork, and, on some makes and models, evil laughter which echoes through the rocky depths... But he isn't really. Sky god is. Sky god made this hell, sky god will be throwing us so-called "unbelievers" into this place, sky god will be making sure to throw away that key once he finally manages to get someone in there, so really--who's the big bad here? The one who claims to love everyone and wants no one to "perish," but can't find it in his heart to just forgive and forget? Or the one who says, "This is hooey. You know it, I know it, they know it."

That's really a kicker, isn't it? Of course, since neither one truly exists (or, even if one simply believes they do not) saying "You're going to hell!" isn't really much of a threat, is it? I mean, if I don't believe they exist, this heaven and hell, how is threatening me with my own unbelief really a motivator to "turn my life around," or whatever the hell it is I'm supposed to do with the so-called "wealth" of knowledge these fundies think they possess? May as well threaten me with flying pigs falling through my roof, or dragons hiding in my pantry...

Look at it that way for a while. Even though neither one exists, Satan really is the good guy in that little tale, isn't he? Saving you from an eternity of saying "Yeah, that god dude is great, isn't he?" and "Wow, god, you're so awesome!" Talk about BORING....

Of course, sky god realizes this. That's why he promises things like "treasures in heaven" and "heavenly rewards," most of which will be grape duty, palm-branch duty, or cleaning out sky-god's-pool-duty. Not to mention cleaning up after all his cats--trust me, you've no idea what an eternity of cleaning out kitty litter boxes will do for your eternity of "hosannas." It's more than a reality check, that's for sure!

But--why the need for such promises? Isn't it enough that he killed his kid (due to his own non creativity in reality-rule making)? Now he promises you "mansions," "streets of gold," and a lot of other rot. Of course, if you have these things here on earth, it's either because you've been "blessed" by sky god, or because you're a tool of Satan--no one can seem to agree which is actually the case, suffice to say they base it on whether they feel they can do just as good a job as the Holy Spirit in judging a man's soul-worthiness... Ironic, that.

So threaten me with hell. It' hollow, empty, and makes me feel you really have nothing more than blind faith (which sky god encourages--makes you wonder why he bothered to give you a brain, doesn't it? Especially since he never meant for Adam or Eve to use theirs...) and a book of fairy tales...

Oh, wait--that is all the fundies have...