Easy Ways to Make Time Stand Still; orToday's Fountain of Youth Program**...

1. Let your nephew play with your GameCube. It provides him with hours of entertainment, as well as great practice at hand-eye coordination, and makes every hour seem like five. Trust me.

2. Watch the news to hear constant coverage of:

1. Gerald Ford's funeral
2. James Brown's funeral
3. Saddam Hussein's impending funeral (which, incidentally, he was executed just now at
   10 p.m. EST; 6 a.m. Iraqi Saturday morning...
   go figure)

You have a hard time caring about any of them, yet they seems to be the only three things that are happening on the earth today.

3. Try to deposit your paycheck at lunchtime. Now I know why I've never tried to do so before. It makes your hour-long lunch break seem like 2.5 hours when, even though you'd rather be eating the awesome pizza you purchased the night before, all you've done is stand in line and watch people argue with the tellers about why they keep getting charged $27 for bounced checks (as if it's the teller's fault) as they spent too much to buy their loved one's love through gifts--much like the wise men tried to buy a place in the kingdom they thought was coming when they tried to buy off Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus by bring him expensive gifts (and people try to blame "commercialization" for gift buying--blame the wise guys!!!)

4. Algebra. Need I say more?

5. Balance your checkbook while your nephew keeps asking for your help to find his horse on the GameCube Game. And you thought you couldn't figure out where that 35 cents was before! You actually accomplish nothing while at the same time getting in some great bonding time.

6. Listen to how Rich's day went. And you thought my mom left long comments... He had off all day--you'd think he'd have nothing to say after sitting in the house all day, but really he just stores it all up so he can talk your ear off while helping Henry find his horse (while also trying to keep him from getting killed by the "bad guys") and balancing your checkbook.

7. Wait for your dog to take a crap in 25 degree weather. Seriously, I could smoke a whole pack of cigarettes waiting for that bowel movement. Really, is it that important to find a spot to shit on? This is a never-ending story on its own...

8. Read this list. Asleep yet? Feel any younger?

9. Try to come up with a number 9 so you can hopefully round out the list at 10. Yeah, really, that's number nine. You'll get over it.

10. It's Friday at 4:15 p.m., you found out your nephew Devin was rushed to the hospital with a severe asthma attack, and you want to get home so you can find out if he's okay and to make sure Henry will be entertained and have stuff to eat, but 4:30 is even farther away than it was as your clock suddenly seems to be going backwards as when you look at it again, it says 4:13, even though you could swear it was just 4:15, and your computer froze... AGAIN!!!

---

**The Today's Fountain of Youth Program should not in anyway be construed as actual medical or psychosomatic advice. If you or a loved one are suffering any symptoms such as "feelings" or "caring" or perhaps "happiness," please consult your family physician before beginning the Today's Fountain of Youth Program. Some side effects include sleepiness, headache, certain types of liver or heart problems, death, destruction, pillaging and raping of your neighborhood, and an urge to call yourself "Frank" and refer to yourself in the royal "we." Nursing, pregnant, or women who plan on becoming pregnant with quadruplets should see their doctor or a licensed quack before starting the Today's Fountain of Youth program. You should not operate machinery or GameCube's when starting the Today's Fountain of Youth program until you know how it will affect you. See our web site for money saving coupons and a free five-year-old nephew for trial use. Does not come with GameCube, some assembly may be required. See our web site for complete details. Delivery of nephew cannot come to PO Boxes or any but the 48 contiguous states. Residents of New York, Michigan, and South Dakota will be charged a convenience fee of $65 on Saturdays and on nights of a full moon; residents of Oregon, North Dakota, and Kentucky $45 on Tuesdays if you are wearing purple socks at time of delivery. West Virginia is flat OUT, as you have a high number of beatings of red-headed step-children and other nefarious creatures of the devil (as you so claim). Purchase of five-year-old nephew does not construe any obligation on the part of the Today's Fountain of Youth Program to supply child support, food, clothes, money, batteries, presents, cake, education, BMW's, or Taiwanese transgendered prostitutes. No purchase is actually necessary to enter any form of sweepstakes or contest that may or may not be going on at any given time and winners are usually loved one's or friends of company executives, so don't get your hopes up. See our web site for complete details. Batteries not included.