Conversations With God...

So a lovely, misguided couple came to our door today, handing out fliers for a "revival" service at the Bowmantown Borough building, to be held every night next week. Now, if I actually lived in Bowmanstown, I'd be calling our mayor to wonder why a public building was being used to endorse religion, but I digress. I felt bad for the couple, and especially the young girl who was obviously their daughter, as they trudged up and down our side of the street (a quick glance revealed another homely looking couple covering the other side) as today was windy, rainy, and just plain miserable. I took their flyer, thanked them, and they would have gotten away scott-free of sarcasm if the grinning ear-to-ear woman, her hair pulled ferociously back in a tight bun, said, "Praise Jesus! Hope to see you there, brother!"

---

Me: Brother?
Jesus Lady: Well, you are a son of Christ, the one true God, are you not?
Me: No, actu--
Jesus Lady: Has no one ever shared with you the saving knowledge of Jesus our God?
Jesus Man: Oh dear (shaking his head sadly...)
Me: Been shared, but thanks any--
Jesus Lady: You simply must come to our revival service, then! This is on opportunity for--
(Rich walks up behind me, standing at the front door, saying--)
Rich: Who is it, babe?
Me: Christians...
Jesus Man: Yes, sir (speaking to Rich) we were just talking to your friend, inviting him, and yourself, to our revival service on...
Jesus Lady: (Gasps) Are you-- are you a homosexual couple?
(I think the word "Babe" took a few seconds to permeate through the tightly pulled back hair)
Me: Yes, ma'am, we are--
(Jesus Man grabs their daughter and move quickly away from the front door to stand out in the driving, cold, windy rain...)
Jesus Lady: Oh, I... uh...
Me: Thank you for stopping by, anyway--
Jesus Lady: Don't you know--
Jesus Man: (from rainy sidewalk) Mabel--
Jesus Lady: Uh... Well, um, hope to see.... I... God bless! (and hurriedly removes herself from our front step and they move quickly as a unit to our neighbors house... I watch them sadly...)
Rich: That was weird...
Me: Not really...

---

So I add the flyer to the burn pile (it should come in handy for heating the home in the coal stove this winter) and then I gave God a call, for I was truly curious as to if they were truly, well, as brainwashed and naive as they appeared. Since God is long-distance, I used my cell.

---

Me: Hello, God?
God: Hello? I can barely... Hello, anyone there?
Me: (I move closer to the living room window, where I can see our neighbor leaning out of her front door, shaking her head n a negative fashion) Can you hear me now?
God: Verizon guy?
Me: No, um, this is Gay Jay. From West Bowmans?
God: Oh, hey! How's it going?
Me: Well, these people just stopped by--
God: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just saw it while channel surfing on Earth TV.
Me: So they were for real?
God: (Sighs) Yes, yes, they truly were for real...
Me: Why my place? You know I have better things to do than argue with your followers--
God: Hey, don't blame that on me! I can't help it people get these ridiculous ideas in their heads!
Me: Um... really?
God: Of course not! You think I condone all that crap? Speaking in tongues and the like? I had a hard enough time learning Holy Spirits native tongue when we hooked up--
Me: Deity say what?
God: Oh, yeah, well, that's one of those things the writers of my unauthorized biography forgot to put in, didn't they? Yeah, she's from the next universe over, my Holy Ghost. When we relaxed our immigration laws in my universe, she could come over and we could finally tie the knot and-- well, let's just say, nine months later, there was little Christ! He was so cute back then...
Me: But they all grow up, don't they?
God: Yeah, well, he wanted to see what all the hoopla was down there and-- well, you know the gist of it. Your people treated him like crap!
Me: Hey, I ain't taking credit for that if you ain't taking credit for the fundie Christians...
God: Fair enough, fair enough...
Me: Hey, listen, you still running the show, or what?
God: Well, not really. You see, I went public with Earth quite some time ago, and...
Me: And?
God: Well, it's all kind of up to the trustees now. You guys, you know. I sold most of my shares about 50 CE, when Jesus finally got back from his little--field trip, shall we say?--and ever since then, really, you all have been kind of on your own...
Me: Well, that certainly explains a lot!
God: Well, in all fairness, when I was technically the man in charge, I kind of left you to your own devices anyway! I mean, really! Who has the time?! And you people are worse than rabbits, I have to say!
Me: Hmm, yeah, I can see how we'd be a handful--
God: Yeah, but really! And the funny thing is, you people send me more junk mail then, well, Jupiter does!
Me: There're people on Jupiter?
God: No, no, no, not that Jupiter--the Greek God. He's my mother's cousins' husbands' half-brothers' nephew, you know, and he is such a forward junkie!
Me: Yeah, I know a few of those myself--
God: And they always say crap like "If you don't forward this to ten gods in a half hour, you don't believe in mankind--" or some other such nonsense. And I hit "delete" every time anyway--
Me: I hear ya!
God: Cause really! All that crap about "You are in my image"? Hogwash, and that's putting it nicely, let me tell you! You people are good and bad, all on your own. You need no help from me in either department! The only reason we're having this conversation is so many of them believe in me! My therapist says--
Me: You have a therapist?
God: Of course! You know what kind of complex you guys have given me? All "You are creator," "You are all-powerful," "You are all-mighty." It gives one a complex, you know. Holy Spirit and I almost divorced because of it! Such rubbish, really! Trying to blame me for everything--you all were around long before I was, I can tell you that! And making light! Hah! I need Bic just to start the fireplace, just like you guys do!
Me: Really?
God: Seriously! Well, my therapist said that you all need to learn how to take responsibility for yourselves. So I blocked all the prayers, all the begging, all the--just everything! My therapist--he's really good, even Zeus sees him twice weekly--he showed me how you were all able to force this crap on me as you guys created me!
Me: No way!
God: Yes, can you believe it?! I was flabbergasted myself! But, just look at your history! It's clear as day! I changed when you guys did! When you discovered that earthquakes weren't about me being angry, well, it just sort of became a common sense thing to not sacrifice your virgins! And when you guys figured out that locusts come and go with the seasons and such, and that it wasn't me "punishing" you or some other kind of crap, well, you stopped slaughtering lambs and firstborn children and what not--and I had nothing to do with any of it! Quite amazing, actually, the power you all hold. But then, since you all are so uncomfortable with all your power, well, it just seemed logical--at least, to you guys I suppose--to blame the "unseen" guy, the "creator" as it were.
Me: Mind-boggling!
God: Right?
Me: Well, I--
God: And then, about that whole "bubonic plague" thing--
Me: Listen, I--
God: --and New Orleans! I love New Orleans! Why in the hell would I--
Me: Um, listen, God, dude, I need--
God: --would I give two shits about two women tying the knot! I mean, I married a frickin' spirit for crying out loud! Jesus is inter-universal! You know how much ribbing he--
Me: Yeah, um, you're breaking up--
God: --and the whole "stay the course" crap--
Me: Bad signal, losing, what? hello?
God: --those moronic priests--
Me: Bshshshshshwashshshshs Click!

---

Yeah, so I lied to God, pretended to lose the signal, but I mean, really. The dude is long-winded as hell! But it certainly does explain a lot, doesn't it?