Thursday, February 2, 2006

Conservatives Upset about Brokeback...

Come on, now, are we really surprised? I think it all comes down to jealousy that they have yet to be nominated for anything at the Academy Awards. After all the antics and buffoonery they perform on a weekly basis, and they can't get a single nomination? Here are my nominees from the conservative base:

For Best Costume and Makeup: Tammy Faye Bakker. Using glowing colors and neon costumes, she has decorated her face regardless of trend or physical beauty. She will be running up against Gwen Stephanie and Courtney Love. Famous line of hers: "...and now we're down to our last $37,000." --Tammy Faye Bakker

For Best Actor in a Fictional Religious Drama: Pat Robertson. For a slow country boy, he sure can act like he's talking to god, can't he? Running up against James Dobson and Tom Delay. Famous quote of his: "Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." --Pat Robertson

For Best Liar in a Religious Context: Pope Benedict. Going up against James Dobson and Pat Robertson for this one, this should be a tough category that all will be watching. Famous quote: "A Catholic would be guilty of formal cooperation in evil, and so unworthy to present himself for holy Communion, if he were to deliberately vote for a candidate precisely because of the candidate's permissive stand on abortion and/or euthanasia." --Pope Benedict XVI

For Best Hypocrisy in a Homosexual Moment: Msgr. Edmund Whalen of St. Benedict's in the Bronx; for kicking out two members of the choir, even though he knew they were gay, when they tried to get married. Love thy neighbor anyone? Going against Pat Robertson and George W. Bush. Famous quote: None (Not expected to win in this category, but he thinks it is an honor to be nominated.)

For Best Hatred to Hide Own Homosexuality: Fred Phelps, "Pastor" of the Westboro Baptist Church; Best known for his actions in picketing the Matthew Shepard funeral; going against the former mayor of Spokane Washington, James West, and ex-governor Jim McGreevy of New Jersey. Famous quote: "God Hates Fags." And here we all thought God was love... go figure.

For Best Televangelist Begging-for-Money Moment: Jerry Falwell. Going up against some tough competition, Pat Robertson (who has received the most nominations, but doesn't feel honored at all) and Jim Bakker (who after being incarcerated doesn't feel worthy of the nomination). Famous quote of Falwell's: "Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them." --Jerry Falwell

As a side note: there are so many off-the-wall quotes of Jerry Falwell's that I may dedicate a future blog to his insane ravings... we'll just have to see.


Hopefully one of these fine folks of the lord will be awarded a trophy, and they won't feel slighted when Heath and Jake get awards for their moving, stunning performances about love. Hmm... love... maybe that's the reason for all the Brokeback nominations and no religious conservative ones, eh?


Kelly said...


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go practice witchcraft.

"Just doing my best to piss off the religious right..."

Jason Hughes said...

Oooh, we should have the Feminist Awards or something... You could be nominated for "Best Pisser-Offer of Right Wing Whacko's."

And the Oscar goes too .....

[enter drumroll]

noell said...

That Fallwell quote killed me. More! I want more!