I was accosted in Wal-Mart today. There I was, between the pharmacy and the pet section, minding my own beeswax as I pondered over what the best way was to construct a fency-type trellis to keep my gladiolas from falling over once they bloom. (I know, to have my problems, right?) So as I'm standing there mulling over new and inventive ways to use towel racks, I feel a tap on my shoulder from behind. I turn around, ready to proclaim my "No, I don't work here" line (am I the only one in the world who gets asked by random people in Wal-Mart where things are located? I must have "a look" or something) when a couple of little old ladies say:
So that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I imagine a celebrity must feel like. Even if it was just for a few moment... In a Wal-Mart...
Old Lady #1: You're that young man who had the yard sale last weekend, right?
Me: Um, yes, over on Rt 895, yeah?
Old Lady #2: Well, my friend here and I were having a very heated disagreement ever since we left your yard sale last week and were wondering if we could run our problem by you?
Old Lady #1: That would be nice if you could...
Me: Um, sure, I guess. A problem with something you bought from me?
Old Lady #1: Oh, no, no--
Old Lady #2: Nothing like that--
Old Lady #1: Why I wouldn't dream of returning--
Old Lady #2: It's just that--
Old Lady #1: --something I bought at a yard sale--
Old Lady #2: --when we left--
Me: (Am I in hell?)
Old Lady #1: --even if it was broken or something--
Old Lady #2: --we fought a bit and almost--
Old Lady #1: --which it wasn't, no worries--
Old Lady #2: --turned around...
Old Lady #1: --but I was thinking--
Old Lady #2: --Frita, please!
Me: (Yep, hell... In Wal-Mart... Who knew?)
Bernice: Let me handle this, all right? We were just wondering if you two gentlemen were...
Frita:Put it delicately, Bernice!
Bernice: Oh, shush. Well, are you gentlemen--together?
Me: (Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!) Uhh...
Bernice: Not that it matters--
Frita:--so cute together--
Bernice: --as my daughter is actually--
Frita: --just the way you two--
Bernice: --maybe you know her?--
Frita: --sat there, so happy together--
Bernice: --what's the name of that gay place?--
Me: (I should always know where the fire exits are, shouldn't I?)
Frita: --as I was saying to Bernice--
Bernice: --Emeralds? Rubies? No, that's a burger chain--
Frita: --I think it's so nice--
Bernice: --Diamonds! That's it! Do you go there?--
Frita: --and complimented her on her tank top--
Bernice: --that was the biggest clue, wasn't it, Frita?--
Me: Uh, well, yes, we are "a couple," ten years now...
Bernice: I told you, Frita!
Frita: Yes, yes you did...
Bernice: Well, we just wanted to tell you gentlemen good for you!
Frita: Yes, very much so!
Bernice: And in this area!
Frita: It's so sad...
Bernice: And that California thing? Shameful!
Frita: We should let him finish his shopping...
Bernice: Yes, we've bothered you enough, but, well, good for you!
Frita: You have our support!
Me: Uh, thank you, ladies. You have a nice day, now...
Bernice: So polite!
Frita: Real gentlemen...